Oh Good, Porsche Has $400 Driving Pants: Cold Start

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Here’s a situation we’ve all been in: you’re driving, actively, and all of a sudden your pants just fail you, clearly not up to the active driving task, de-pantsing themselves into hundreds of trouser-shards, sending you spiraling off the road, probably over a cliff or into a ravine or something. Pants are the weak link in any driver’s arsenal, the first crucial element to go when things get tough. But what can you do? Well, if you have $400, you can go to Porsche, and they’ll send you a pair of Active Driving Trousers, which I can only assume are the only pants available that are truly able to handle seriously active driving. Man, I bet these pants have some really good action!

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Just look at these pants! Streamlined, sleek, having both belt loops and a drawstring for maximum security! Why I bet these pants are capable of taking you on a wet track in an old, tail-heavy Porsche 356, and you’ve just eaten a massive meal of chili and pound cake, so when you inevitably spin out and feel your bowels release in fear, the pants can be filled to the point where they are taut as snare drums, seams straining but with the full confidence that there will be no chance of those pants becoming compromised.

These are active driving trousers, people, not the bullshit $50 passive driving trousers you wear, like some sort of chump!

These pants aren’t just pants, they’re partners, active partners in your driving adventure! You’ll come to rely on their counsel far more than any living human! These trousers are you co-drivers (well, co-driver, but “trousers” and “pants” are plural even though they’re referring to a singular thing, so the construction is confusing) and you need to treat them with the respect that position affords.

My lord, what a world we live in, when for the cost of a nice 65″ flat-screen television you can be the proud owner of pants designed for active driving! You’re definitely not a dumbass who spent way too much on glorified sweatpants if you buy these, that’s for sure! They’re Porsche pants!

Active driving pants. Oy.

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Mercedes Streeter

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157 thoughts on “Oh Good, Porsche Has $400 Driving Pants: Cold Start”

  6. I just priced out a battery for a 2019 Cayenne, and these pants are clearly made for receiving that news. Violently shifting yourself over the number seems totally reasonable, over $2500.

  8. These pants only look good on a very specific, lanky, extremely thin body type, and they are the kind of pants you see a software developer developer wearing because jeans are “too mainstream.”

    Historians say that the rich have always dressed gaudily and their bad taste eventually became haute couture and then high fashion, but at least a Victorian dandy didn’t give off a look that made you instantly despise them.

  11. Wait just a minute!!!
    These are EXACTLY the same Passive Cruising Pants I just bought from Tesla for $415.00 with my Full Self-Driving feature.
    Somebody has got a lot of explaining to do.

    1. You can upgrade your Tesla Passive Cruising Pants to participate in the ‘Fully Active Enabled Beta” via an OTA update, for the low, low, price of $1,000/year.

  12. This could be a whole new line for Porsche, hell they could make an entire range of clothes that are designed to do only one thing!!! $350 for walking pants, $425 for eating pants. Why not $650 for shitting pants! The possibilities are endless!!!!!! I’m sure their expert sales staff can do you a combo deal if you get the optional DPK in your 911.

  18. Slim fit pants starting at a 48 inch waist? How Porsche to sell pants to people who can’t fit in their cars.
    Frankly at $400 I want them to self clean and whiten my drawers at the same time.

          1. Thanks for looking it up. I really cared so little that I wasn’t going to bother.

            I’m mostly here to enjoy the dripping sarcasm. This thread isn’t just dripping, it’s positively oozing.

            1. Yes, but I love a chance to find out some useless trivia. You know how medieval sculptors would spend just as much time on the parts that no one would ever see? This is my extremely humble equivalent.

            1. At least it isn’t the sizing used in the US for femme clothing! Oh, here, a number that only indicates relative size within a brand, so useful! And then, we’ll also only give -maybe- 3 options for height, which also is completely brand-dependent. S/M/L etc and short/regular/tall is fine for something like a t-shirt or other loose fitting garments. But for something like a dress with both length, waist and bust measurements to just be a 2 or 14 or whatever is madness, to say nothing of things such as pantsuits!!

            2. I think the underlying logic is that this value can be measured directly on the pants, when they are laid flat.

              But enjoy your day in the unit-sun American pals, I never miss an opportunity to bitch about the imperial system so it’s only fair 🙂

  19. Wonder if they come with a feature to help silence the driver’s own “trouser crickets”. I wouldn’t want the sound of my farts getting in the way of hearing the growly exhaust notes.

      2. No no no, those aren’t just options you can add onto your Porsche trousers, silly!
        If you want to almost-imperceptibly reduce weight and boost performance, you want the Ruf Active Driving Trousers.

    2. Don’t forget the available belt to keep those pants up!. $850 for vegan leather, extra $550 for real leather, and a genuine carbon fiber belt buckle only adds $2,150

  24. “active driving trousers” These admen are so on it! Only goons wear pantaloons I suppose. The need for these is easily avoided with a reasonable sidewall for a streetable steed.

  25. How is it that no one here has brought up the single best/worst Porsche crap out there? The Porsche Design Sunglasses! I LOVED them. Still do.

    I’d even say “you know what, it’s OK, they are really, really cool, such a great design, I’ll give them a pass”, except that they didn’t stop there.

    Stupidly expensive. But all I can think of now is how they are super ’80s Metal….

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