If there’s anything more amusing than the content on this great website it must be the behind-the-scenes machinations of the staff. The back-and-forth on the workaday messaging platform Slack provides premium-channel-sitcom-level humor on a regular basis, and we’ve shared some of the best of these exchanges on the Tales From The Slack posts that you can see weekly as long as you’re an official Autopian member. You are a member, aren’t you?
However, a question was asked by Mercedes Streeter a few weeks back that got me thinking:
What would the ultimate Autopian car be? While this site prides itself on being open minded to fans of all makes and models, it’s fairly clear that the staff tends to favor vehicles with a certain level of what might be called “character”. I’m not referring to the condition of their sometimes dilapidated vehicles; I am talking about attributes that the car left the showroom with. If we were to attempt to define what this difficult-to-define word means in our motor pool, we could boil it down to a few characteristics:
- Cars with unorthodox mechanical solutions or overly complex systems which were designed to do things ‘better’ but usually don’t, and quite often don’t work at all. Pointless features are also popular. Power doors that cover the climate control vents on a VW Phaeton? Love it!
- Styling and overall design that would be described as ‘acquired tastes’. Cars that mainstream media hacks put onto ‘100 Ugliest Cars’ lists or even ‘World’s Worst Cars’ are prime candidates. Go ahead and dismiss the Pacer or the Citroen DS; what do we care?
- Products from manufacturers that, likely due to the characteristics above, have not been in existence for decades. American Motors or Zastava are good examples.
It’s not that Autopian staffers hate conventionality; they typically just don’t see the point in it. All of this means that if Autopians were asked to design a car that appealed to them, these rather eccentric preferences would come shining through. Auto makers choose conventional solutions for a reason- Autopians don’t want to hear them. Twice the cost and three times the complexity for a ten percent gain in performance? Bring that shit on. Here’s what such a fictional car made up of a collection of automotive bad ideas might have looked like.
Our imaginary car would come from an imaginary place that we’ve visited before:
In 1970, a fastback sedan was launched on the tiny island of Jasonia (Jasonia Automobile Manufacturers) and exported in very small numbers to outside nations. Launched to tremendous fanfare at a Jasonia Emu Racing Park event, the JAM 808 was accompanied by an almost embarrassing press packet. An excerpt:
“Jasonia Automobile Works has used state of the art unproved technologies to attempt what others have achieved through much more basic means.”
The JAM 808 (pronounced YAHHM) sold fairly poorly outside of its birthplace; a dealership was set up in Paris but the French thought that it was “too weird.” Still, it’s quite impressive once you start looking at the unorthodox different-to-be-different features that many Autopians can’t get enough of (which, truth be told, are found on a number of now-classic cars that you might know).
Styling
If a car looks like a distorted, inaccurate vision of the future from the perspective of long ago, it’s got Autopian written all over it. Things like Tatras and Citroens get the staff all hot and bothered. Thankfully, this Jasonian-made sedan has just such a look- an aero teardrop shape with skirted rear wheels from a time when cars typically were rectilinear boxes.
source: Aguttes (car for sale)
The nose of any Autopian car worth its salt has to have hidden headlights, but the JAM takes it a step further with a center mounted ‘cyclops’ spotlight that turns with the steering wheel. The US received a small number of them, which necessitated giant rubber ram bar 5MPH bumpers. Besides the massive bumper blocks, the US models require side marker lights that JAM designers made in the shape of engine rotors.
It’s a little known fact that Jasonia fielded a world-class team in the 1976 World Wiffle Ball Championship, so this runout model has the special edition Wiffle Ball Pattern Wheels at each corner (Saab has the lock on the soccer ball shape). The headrests are shaped like heads so that, according to JAM literature, ‘the car will always look fully occupied for the safety of the driver’ (also so that those who patrol HOV lanes might be fooled).
source:
If this near-the-end-of-production 1977 model with New York ‘80085’ plates (Patrick George couldn’t get ‘808’) in the picture above seems a bit dilapidated, get used to it. There are no known running examples of JAMs anywhere on the planet today.
At the other end of the car, the JAM 808 has a two-part backlight similar to that on old Italian exotics like the Lamborghini Espada (well, or a Toyota Prius). However, unlike the Prius, JAM puts the wiper on the vertical section. The proportion of this section requires a cable-driven vertical wiper that sweeps over the entire surface. The JAM puts the taillamps behind this vertical window (like a Maserati Khamsin) so that these lamps get cleaned by the wiper as well, which must be a world first. For markets outside of the US, the license plate can sit behind the glass as well, but Americans make do with a stuck on plate between the ram bars. The rear turn signals sit high up, built into the hatch hinges near the roof. You can also electrically raise the hatch a few inches for flow through ventilation as on various Zagato creations.
The trunk can be expanded by folding the rear seatback- into the ceiling. JAM engineers thought this was an easier way to gain a flat floor.
Engine
With the introduction of the rotary engine, it probably seemed unlikely to many people of the 1960s that motors with reciprocating pistons would survive; why make such inherently unbalanced things? Well, we all know that pitfalls and challenges that were never eliminated on this type of motor, but the Autopian car would absolutely have one. Adding to the eccentricity is the fact that the JAM’s rotary power plant would be air cooled as well.
Driveline
The engine is so small and light that it weighs less than the fluid semi-automatic transaxle used, so you’d end up with a rear weight bias if the motor were placed in front. Jasonian Motor’s solution was to make the JAM rear engined, with a driveshaft sending power to the transaxle in front. Brilliant! An Autopian cannot resist a rear-engined, front wheel drive car.
source: Citroen via Posterama
Brakes and Suspension
Brakes are discs all around, but inboard in front for less unsprung weight. Up front, the suspension is torsion bars and wishbones; it’s actually one torsion bar to act as an anti roll bar as well. The rear features a DeDion setup with coil springs. Basically no other cars did had suspension and braking systems like this, and do you know why? Because most companies are weak, that’s why.
Mechanical Accessories
The power steering pump, alternator, and optional air conditioning compressor are all in front as well, powered by a power takeoff on the transaxle (the grille up front is for the A/C condenser and transmission cooler). The windshield wipers are actually powered by a fluid takeoff on the power steering pump. The master cylinder is in the nose of the car, so the brake pedal actually presses on a long metal rod to activate it. The spare tire is up front, and air pressure from the tire is used to operate the retracting headlights. This particular example has twin energy polarizers in it, similar to what Peter Brock controversially put into his racing cars, because orgone energy might not be proven but it just can’t hurt.
Interior
It goes without saying that the inside of the JAM is perfect for people that understand standard automobile interior conventions and want absolutely none of it. As with the last NSU Spider (which also doesn’t exist) the rotary theme is taken to extreme levels. A giant rotor form sits dead center of the driver above the single spoke wheel with a drum-type rotating speedometer and side gauges, while smaller switch ‘pods’ flank it. The ‘four in the air’ selector lever for the semi automatic transmission sprouts out of this mess. To truly protect your belongings in theft-prone neighborhoods, you flip a release lever and the glove box can be removed; carried around like a suitcase. Also, Jasonian home market cars are right hand drive, and they didn’t bother moving the hood release over for other markets; ‘safety reasons’ is the excuse for this laziness.
Pop the ashtray off and take it with you!
Heating and ventilation switches are on the floor between the seats, with a sideways mounted radio and ‘main nuclear power plant switch’ parking brake. The optional air conditioning and controls for the front power windows are all located on a center console. That’s rather standard, right? It is, but the console for those items is mounted to the ceiling of the JAM.
Out on the hood, a recessed area visible to the driver has a drum-type tachometer flanked by turn signal and high beam telltales.
Pioneers in any frontier often don’t fare so well, and the demise of Jasonian Automobile Manufacturers in our alternate reality after the 808 was discontinued should surprise no one. Equally unsurprising is the near mythic proportions that the legend of this collection of unconventional ideas would have reached among Autopians today.
The JAM would have lived on as a holy grail of fans of automotive misfits – like us.
A Daydreaming Designer Is Forced To Design A Vehicle For A Nation With Enormous Money – The Autopian
Our Daydreaming Designer Imagines The Ultimate Autopian Tour Bus – The Autopian
How To Repurpose Carvana Vending Machine Towers To Build An Automotive Paradise – The Autopian
Well, the taillamps behind the vertical glass panel will not be allowed in the United States. Maserati had found out when it tried to certify its Khamsin in the 1970s. The evil eyes of DOT/NHTSA said “nope, not allowed.” The taillamps were evicted from the warm and comfortable home and parked outside on the sheetmetal.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maserati_Khamsin#US-spec_models
Just wondering if there are secondary indicators under the hatch to illuminate when the trunk lid is up?
The Alfa Romeo 90 had a removable glovebox/briefcase. And the Alfa Romeo had the electric window switches in the ceiling. Because, you know, Alfa.
Absent the sillier flights of fancy, Citroen actually built – almost – this very car. And the example shown is even brown!
https://petrolicious.com/articles/an-afternoon-with-the-citroen-gs-birotor-a-wankel-powered-rarity-that-shouldnt-exist
Citroen GS – with all the weirdness that involves
Birotor Wankel engine
It’s even almost got the central headlight!
Oh, and “80085” – I see what you did there…
Build it and they will come ?!?!
“Rear Seatback folds into Ceiling”
I did a legitimate spit-take on that one.
This is perfect Autopian content. No notes.
As much as I admire the complexity of hydraulic-powered wipers running off the power steering pump, I really think a mechanical marvel such as this would benefit from vacuum wipers run from its own standalone pump.
Or they could be pneumatic and run off of the spare tire pressure like the lights.
Hell, why not just run the car off the spare tire pressure while we are at it? Four spares, mounted in series.
What a machine! Seeing those wiffle-ball wheel-covers made me initially think there was going to be a large knob somewhere in the car that needed to be pulled out around three-quarters of the way. Once the ground around the car started glowing, the operator would know to pull it out the rest of the way and the beast would fire up. The influence of course coming from a classic Mercedes design.
Rotary engine’s are so plebeian as they are actually used in cars!
To follow the remit of “ Cars with unorthodox mechanical solutions or overly complex systems which were designed to do things ‘better’ but usually don’t, and quite often don’t work at all.”
I present to you an engine never before created (to my knowledge)! The rear mounted, four wheel drive, horizontally aligned, 4 cylinder, 8 piston, supercharged, turbocharged and intercooled opposed piston two stroke Diesel!
An engine so heavy it generates its own gravity!
God, I want one!!!
Allow me to one-up you with the Napier Deltic. Three banks of six opposed piston cylinders arranged in a triangle, with three crankshafts geared together. They were used on some British locomotives, and also (I think) motor torpedo boats.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Napier_Deltic
The sonorous emanation of the rear-mounted rotary at full chat — especially given the the short exhaust system — inspired JAM’s famous ad campaign, “Nothing sounds quite like an 808!”
Hey now, Zastava as a company is alive and well, and continues to pump out copies of the AK-47 and Tokarev TT-33, just as they’ve been doing since the dust settled from the Second World War. They’ve even introduced a few models designed in the current century, and no amount of NATO bombs will stop them.
The FWD set up is eating into the frunk space. This is the only flaw I see.
I’m still mad at the writers of National Lampoon’s Vacation for ripping off JAM’s motto “You think you hate it now, but wait until you drive it”
It should also have a top-up camper top.
Begging your pardon, but I have a few correction suggestions.
1: The flag is shown backwards. Amber goes on the outside of the flag, white on the inside.
2: I believe the vents were designed to spin in place, which led to a future Mazda designer who was visiting Jasonia on a school trip to be inspired for the future oscillating vents in the 929 and 626, for instance.
3: A manual transmission was supposedly in development, but there was pushback from some of white-collar staff because they felt that using the pneumatic bulb-style actuator (like a bike/antique car horn or squeaky toy) was both too playful but also not unusual enough, as some users might think it was meant to actuate the horn.
4: The wonderful handbrake handle was designed to be removed and flipped over for RHD markets rather than designing it to have buttons on either side.
5: The action of the handbrake has been described as “better than the finest bolt-action rifle’s”, to where the engineer was headhunted by several companies from various industries, before becoming too frazzled with options and instead went into designing pinball machines.
6: The clever side markers were also covers for accessory mounting points, usually meant for convex corner-spotting mirrors (as on mail trucks/package cars and school busses). There were rumors that a “Safari” version was in development that would feature an all-wheel drive system not dissimilar to the AMC Eagle SX/4, and the front mounting point was being reinforced to allow for branch deflectors to be installed (like the current Ford Bronco).
7: Speaking of the “Safari” version, its wheels were styled after the proper Wiffle Ball, with eight oval slots concentric with the wheel face, rather than the design with round holes across the surface as on the regular models.
Why bludgeon just the passengers with the rotary theme? Carry it over to the outside with rotary-shaped turn signals, taillights, mirrors, and hubcaps, so other drivers and pedestrians can see it too!
Driver’s side lug nuts must be left-hand threaded. (Maybe only three of each five, to provide that essential security without over-doing it?)
It wants a motion-dampened jukebox that plays selected 45’s and 33’s for its in-vehicle entertainment system.
JAM, not JAW? a reference i’m ignorant of i think.
so, tire changes at dawn, or do the headlights default to open position in the absence of pressure from the spare?
how wide is the cabin? i’m built on the same scale as my old new Mini, and i could just reach the hood release from the driver’s seat if in 5th gear, so not a problem with that location if the car is narrow enough to not need extensible arms.
Man, there are a whole lot of things here to like, but here are the ones that I unironically would love:
the removable glovebox/briefcase is genuis, why isnt this a thing
One of the few good things about the Pontiac aztek was the removable center console that was also a cooler. It wasn’t the best cooler ever but it did it’s job, and GM’s interior plastic actually felt largely appropriate for something meant to be chucked around.
If only it was brown with 5 speed and a wagon, then we would all say we would buy it (we wouldn’t actually buy it, though). Even with it is obvious appeal to us weirdos, it won’t sell unless it has those features (If you add them, we will come up with more features that it needs. However, we still will not actually buy it when you make the requested changes.)
But does it have a shooting brake version!?!?
“Ultimate Autopian” should be an annual award around here.
I have never wanted a fictional thing more.
EDIT (just because I can!): air cooled rotary would likely be the world’s biggest disaster. Better install a gigantic oil cooler.
Not as much as an air-cooled DIESEL rotary would!
air-cooled *two stage compression/expansion* diesel rotary! I seem to recall seeing a Rolls-Royce prototype of such an accursed thing (save the air cooling, I’m fairly certain).
Ha, it wasn’t a fever dream! http://www.rotarywiki.com/index.php?title=Rolls_Royce_Two_Stage_Diesel_Rotary&oldid=1156
Holy crap!
I immediately thought that the Wankel has a bad surface area to volume ratio(for diesel). They thought to try two Wankels in series instead of a Roots-type blower…
I have some reading to do. Thanks for posting that!
Not the world’s biggest disaster. In fact, the air cooled rotary was only adopted after their first design- an air cooled, horizontally opposed three cylinder- didn’t work out. For reasons.
“Horizontally-opposed three-cylinder” like a rotary (plane-style, not Wankel-style) engine, or like a boxer engine but with one of the cylinders removed on one side?
Lol, a sideways radial with bevel gear to drive the front transaxle might be better than a rotary… Surely sourced from some stockpile of soviet bloc training aircraft left over from a protracted occupation.
I heard a rumor that this car inspired Alt-J to write “Tessellate”. Is there truth to the rumor? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg6BwvDcANg