Happy Friday, Autopians! We’ve reached the end of another week, and my wife and I have reached the East Coast with our second round of stuff. That’s eighty percent of our vehicles moved, and probably half our household. One more push next week, one more drive across the country (with the cats, which should prove amusing), and we’ll be done.
Needless to say, I’m tired, so today I’m pushing the “Easy” button and pitting all eight of the week’s cars against each other in a giant battle royale, with a twist that we’ll get to in a minute. First let’s talk about yesterday’s results. The Volvo won by about two to one, and I suspect it had something to do with its transmission. A car that size with a six-speed manual and 227 horsepower at its disposal is bound to be a fun ride.
I can’t help but agree. I’ve never owned a Volvo, but my wife and I have had a GM-era Saab, and it did us dirty. In fact, when we sold it, it refused to start in our own driveway after the buyer had already signed the title and paid for it. Turned out to be a bad connection in the neutral safety switch on the transmission, so no big deal, but I don’t forget such things. I’ll take my chances with the Volvo as well.
Now then: Last time I did an eight-way shootout on a Friday, you all seemed to enjoy it, so we’re going to do it again, mainly so I don’t have to find two new cars for today. But I’m going to give you a scenario to help you choose. You are buying one of these cars, not for yourself, but for someone you know. It can be a friend, your significant other, or even your arch-nemesis. Your motivations behind your choice are your own, but if you felt like explaining yourself in the comments, it might make for some amusing reading for everyone else.
I’ll recap the basics for each car, and leave it to you to look back over the week’s posts for the specifics. Yeah, I’m phoning it in today. Sue me.
1977 Datsun 200SX – $3,500
Engine/drivetrain: 2.0-liter overhead cam inline 4, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Pasadena, CA
Odometer reading: 39,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives great
1978 AMC Pacer Wagon – $2,850
Engine/drivetrain: 232 or 258 cubic inch overhead valve inline 6, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Peoria, AZ
Odometer reading: 100,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives, but needs brakes work
1979 Ford Pinto – $5,000
Engine/drivetrain: 350 cubic inch overhead valve V8, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: Runs and drives great, but not street legal
1970 Plymouth Duster funny car – $5,000
Engine/drivetrain: Nothing but a rear axle
Location: Tucson, AZ
Odometer reading: Don’t think it has one
Operational status: Strictly lawn art
1997 Ford Thunderbird – $3,500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.8 liter overhead valve V6, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Cedar Falls, Iowa
Odometer reading: 166,000 miles
Operational status: “Runs and drives good”
1973 Volkswagen Super Beetle – $3,500
Engine/drivetrain: Unknown displacement overhead-valve flat 4, four-speed manual, RWD
Location: Winterset, Iowa
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: Engine is on a stand, and the interior is largely absent
2008 Saab 9-3 Convertible – $4,500
Engine/drivetrain: Turbocharged 2.0 liter dual overhead cam inline 4, five-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Kingston, PA
Odometer reading: 125,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives great
2008 Volvo C70 – $4,200
Engine/drivetrain: Turbocharged 2.5 liter dual overhead cam inline 5, six-speed manual, FWD
Location: Orion Township, MI
Odometer reading: 99,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well, but has some issues
So there they are, all eight of the week’s choices. The headline of each car is, as always, a link to the ad for it, but if you want to look back over the discussions from the week, here is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and yesterday for your convenience.
And remember, you are choosing one of these cars to give to someone else. Who, and for what reason, is entirely up to you. Do you want to give a good friend a cool project to work on? Does someone you know need a good cheap car and you want to provide them with a sweet Swedish convertible? Do you want to see the look of surprise on your high-school buddy’s face when the tow truck unloads a derelict funny car in their driveway? The possibilities are endless! So choose a car, and then tell us who gets it, and why, in the comments. Have a great weekend!
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
I’m doubling down on the Volvo, because my boyfriend would absolutely love it as much as I would. Easy enough choice
I know the Volvo won yesterday, but I doubled down on the Saab. I know it’s an auto-box, but it’s a soft-top Swede. I just have to.
I went for the Duster for a buddy of mine. He’s a car nut with an affinity for the strange and unusual, and this rolling lawn art is a perfect canvas for something stupid.
What fanciful powertrain will we stuff in it for maximum absurdity?
Cummins?
4-rotor Dorito?
Harbor Freight go-kart engine?
Pratt & Whitney J58?
The world is quite literally our oyster with something like this! If we’re gonna be dumb, let’s have some fun!
Hell yeah, this is the answer!
The Pacer: it’s fun to look at, see the resto progress and ride around in, but I don’t actually want to take care of it or source parts myself.
I voted for the pacer for the price I could be a fun car to paint blue and put some flames on the front and sing along to Bohemian Rhapsody with your friends in. Also being from the rust belt any Pacer around here for sale that is clean seems to go for like 10k so you could most likely easily flip that for a couple grand just by bringing it up here.
I’m buying the Duster Funny Car again, because again if we’re going to be stupid, I’m going full tilt what the fuck have you done!?! I’m buying this for my good buddy Derp on opposite-lock. Why? Because the man already has two non-running cars, so the last thing he needs dropped in his driveway is this big yellow fuggin’ thing, and the verbal diarrhea shot back at me would be EPIC! Easily worth the price of admission.
the Thunder Chicken is a pretty strong candidate for full tilt what the fuck have you done!?!
It is, but not as crazy as the funny car.
I mean the funny car, while old and perhaps outdated, is pretty much done the way it was supposed to be back then. The Pinto with a SBC is more of WTF moment than a realish funny car. just my 2 cents though. the converted Bird is completely a WTF thing to me. though I do recall in Des Moines you could buy Fiberglass Studebaker truck kits to try to make an S10 cool at one time as well.
I’d much rather have a stock S-10 than one with one of those stupid kits on it.
The Pacer to punish someone with, because its SO close to so many things that COULD be cool but aren’t. Wagon instead of hatch, check for the Waynes World fans, Auto vs stick, straight 6 vs anything entertaining under the hood.
Gotta be the Volvo. Buying for my husband so I can finally get him to learn stick, and we can have a little top-down fun in the process. I drove a platform-mate V50 once years ago, and it was a surprisingly engaging little runabout.
I was team SAAB until I realized the Volvo had a stick.
Volvo>SAAB>anything else
I voted to give the Saab to Mary Barra and I’d have it secretly smuggled into her bed, leaking ATF (like the horse head in The Godfather), as a reminder of brand murders that GM has committed over the years
Here’s the scenario: My cousin just got out of prison. He’s been away a long time and needs to rebuild his life. I don’t have a lot of money to spare and he has almost no money for repairs. He needs something that will limp along with cheap and deferred maintenance. That fugly T-bird is perfect for him. He’ll feel right at home inside a 90s car after 25 years in the slammer. He can fix it with junkyard parts, or not at all. If he gets 2 years out of the car then it will have done its job.
So, you want your cousin back in in no time, right?
Honestly, it’s for the best.
I’m gifting the Pinto to Marjorie Taylor Greene in hopes that she drives it into a brick wall.
Can pigs drive?
Her face looks like it has already gone through its share of brick walls.
Yep, I’m attacking her looks. I’ll be fair and include some men. Mitch McConnell looks like a wax sculpture of himself that got left in a hot car all day. Bernie Sanders looks like he should be living in a tree making cookies with the other elves. No amount of facial hair is enough to cover Ted Cruz’s face.
I am good with this, though I hope AOC is up against the wall at the time.
I will buy the Beetle. I will then push it into my garage along with all the parts. At that point I will “give” it to someone who has zero interest in cars and wants nothing to do with it. The car would then become mine by default and I would have a nice project car.
I still the Beetle is overpriced, but it looks like a great project car. I’d be a buyer at $2200.
Volvo-we own a v50 M6 turbo. Fantastic vehicle fast fun. I love to blow off BMW’s with that thing, wait what a Volvo wagon just dusted me? That convertible is on the same platform-they are great cars especially with the straight shift. For me -no brainer.
Giving the Beetle to my younger brother as project to work on with his teenage son.
Our cat travels well, made many road trips so far with him. He is pretty chill and loves looking out the car windows at the big trucks. We keep a litter pan ready for any drive over about 6 hours, but he usually will not eat or take water while driving, even at stops. At hotels he immediately sets out and explores the entire room as we set out his food, water and pan. He’ll then eat and find a place to settle in.
the Thunderbird for my nephew, who would get immediate small town cred amongst his peers who are driving clapped out Civic with spoilers
Thunderbird for my worst enemy because I’m mean today
I went that way too. Well done.
Saab for my wife. She always wanted an 80s 3 series drop top. Not quite the same but close enough. The rest with the possible exception of the Volvo would generate varying amounts of couch sleep should I “gift” them to her.
I work with this guy. He’s very orderly. Everything has a purpose and a place.
Judging by his wardrobe, his favorite colors are beige and white. I have personally witnessed him eat the exact same lunch 11 work days IN A ROW.
This guy NEEDS some excitement. He NEEDS a shake up. He NEEDS come color.
Thus, a screaming yellow, non-functional, completely useless Plymouth Duster funny car is the perfect thing for him.
“What the
fuckflip am I supposed to do with this, Tony?!”I’m guessing that super orderly beige-guy doesn’t cuss.
Ahem. It’s NOT a Tony. Still.
Super orderly beige guy is an engineer. I’m a graphic artist. We actually get along great. I’m trying to help him.
The Volvo for my son’s first car. A slick convertible stick-shift that’s secretly of the “Safety First” nameplate. Doesn’t get much better as a covert cool-dad move.
The Super Beetle for Jason so he can teach his son.
You won.
I would also give the Fusca to Jason, mostly because I think he’d appreciate it, but I like the idea of a 1:1-scale model car build for Otto.
I’d give the Pacer to my luddite buddy who doesn’t have a cell phone, an Internet connection, or pay tv. The Pacer is perfect for transporting his massive collection of audio cassettes and VHS tapes.
Toss up between the SAAB and Volvo. Went SAAB as less reported issues
The Volvo for my spouse, who loves driving a stick and has never owned, but always wanted, a convertible.
I briefly considered the Duster funny car for my brother, who seems to enjoy automotive suffering and never finishing projects, but then he and I are cut from the same cloth and it might be a tad too much hypocrisy for a Friday.
The Pacer for sure. I can’t think of anyone who would buy it for themselves, but several who would love it.
Then they could buy me the 200SX in return. We all win.
Even better: I buy all eight as gifts. There’s a perfect recipient for each, (although the funny car will end up as wall art in a brewery). Now there’s eight people who owe me a cheap car. What could possibly go wrong?
Ahh. The chain mail of car purchasing. “This car has been purchased for you for good luck. Good things will come to you if you purchase a car for 8 more people within the next 7 days. The cars may not cost more than $500, because money does not buy happiness, but cars do. This is not a joke. James Richardson in Kansas City junked his gift car and then an asteroid crushed his home. Within 6 weeks of gifting 8 project cars to her unsuspecting friends, Sue Jerome of Gainesville, Florida got 12 Smart For-twos from a municipal auction for $10. Don’t let good luck pass you by!”