Last week, when Publisher Matt decided he wanted to give Autopian Members a peek into how the automotive ramblings sausage is made by revealing details of our normally-private Slack conversations, I knew immediately the Slack exchange I had to show you all, because it’s the greatest Slack exchange in all of Western letters. Sometimes when I’m down I’ll think back to this one exchange and marvel in delight, taking joy from the utter madness and confusion of it all, joy all the sweeter because it’s joy at David Tracy’s expense. It involves the common jocular vulgarism “cream my pants.”
As pretty much almost everyone in the world understands (this italicized “almost” there is significant), the expression “cream my/your pants” or sometimes “cream my/your jeans” means to ejaculate inside of one’s pants, with the implication being that whatever subject you happen to be discussing proved so incredibly stimulating, sexually, that you were overcome with lust and your body reacted powerfully, causing you to orgasm, ejecting ejaculate in your pants because the intensity of it all even prevented you from disrobing enough to prevent soiling yourself with sexual fluids.
The term can be used by men or women; it’s easy enough to adapt to more feminine equipment and have the intended meaning be the same. The point is, people say this as a funny way to convey that they found something incredibly appealing, with a very strong sexual overtone.
We’re all on the same page here, right? Of course we are, because everyone knows what “cream your pants” means! Right? Eh, not so fast.
So, a good while ago, I’m in a slack channel with David. This was back in the Old Lighting Site era, so it was the Jalopnik slack channel, and David had just shared some video of a terribly frightening and brutal car wreck. He sent a link to the video, but it was the wrong link, so he corrected it, sent the new link, and then stated “That video made me cream my pants.” Which led to this discussion:
It’s riddled with typos from me because I was just laughing to hard to be able to poke keyboard keys with any sort of accuracy. Once I realized that David had thought “cream my pants” meant to shit yourself, usually out of fear, and not “ejaculate in your pants out of intense pleasure,” I lost it. I imagined scenes of David at a barbecue describing to a friendly young couple how he almost slid his XJ off a cliff by an icy road and then following that up with “I tell ya, man, I about creamed my pants” and the look of confusion and concern that must have played over their faces as they realized they’re talking to some dude who gets off on almost dying, and wants to tell you all about it. It’s too good to ignore.
How many times had David made this mistake over his life? How many people left a conversation with David reminding themselves not to kink shame, but thinking, damn, that dude is into some weird, dangerous shit? How could he not know?
It’s incredible. Realizations like this are a gift, a beautiful, wondrous gift, something that reminds you that there is still a place in this world for true delight, the intense and relentless delight of knowing your very good friend has happily and unwittingly confessed to likely many, many people that life-threatening and scary situations make him cum so hard, in his pants.
Even though he now knows the truth, this remains one of my favorite traits of our own sweet, stupid David. I’m terribly pleased to share this with all of you, and, if you’re someone who has spoken to David in the past and came away thinking his porn consists of videos of people carrying armloads of glass falling down stairs or almost driving into a lake, I hope you’re able to give him another chance.
[Ed note: I first heard this story, I think, while trying to drive Jason and David back to LA from Pebble Beach and was laughing so hard I almost crashed the car. – MH]
Hey DT is a hell of a nice guy who makes the big mistake of sharing too much of himself on the internet.
Therefore I desiginate Thursday as leave DT ALONE. Crap on him the other days. We all could be better by having a DT in our lives. And thats coming from an ahole like me.
I have a friend who until about 40 years of age, thought “more cushion for the pushin” was just a silly way of saying someone was, let’s say, pleasantly plump.
She never stopped to consider the actual words and what they meant. She probably used the phrase around family and loved ones hundreds of times over the years.
Late to the party, and this is literally a 5 minute photoshop job, but…
Does anyone remember the plot to Death Proof? A weird stunt guy drives an old Dodge and tries to get off by doing dangerous things to co-eds? That and something about a lot of close ups of feet.
Anyways. Here.
https://i.imgur.com/Fr185OF.jpg
This needs more than a photoshop. Anyone any good at deep fakes? Can we put David in Death Proof?
This, dear David, is waht you get when you try to apply logic to human language. “Shitting one’s pants/trousers” conveys a much stronger/frequent reaction – at least considering that you live your life on the edge of a rusty razor. Of course that this would be the first thing that you thought of when you heard that expression! Especially considering that semen is more likely to dry and flake from your pants (or so I heard) , while the brown stuff is really creamy (OSIH)!
Does anyone else want to just pour David a glass of sweet tea and say, “Oh, you sweet summer child….”
Oh my god, it’s like so many people who thought “Netflix and chill” meant what it meant, and used it with work companions. But…. so much worse.
I’m seriously snort-laughing right now.
Now you know the reason all the kids thought you were weird in school. Most of us will never have that luxury.
Truly so funny. Thank you JT so much for sharing this.
Holy crap, and I thought the first slack tales was the laugh at the end of today I needed. Nope, this was even better.
And now it makes me wonder if the infamous “shower spaghetti” David is into actually means a waffle stomp. I’ll let you look that up if you don’t know what it means.
Reminds me of this gem.
https://twitter.com/kthorjensen/status/1330291521153867787?lang=en
As the Autopian’s HR department, I…uh…I’m not sure how to handle this.
With nitrile gloves and Lysol wipes. You won’t need a mask unless any of it was aerosolized.
MH, you mean your car almost creamed it’s pants.
LMFAO!
I was half expecting it to be a story about spilling creamed corn he was eating in the shower onto the pair of jeans he was going to change into, so this… is a plus?
It’s okay, David. We’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing *because of* you.
Oh, wait… that’s not any better is it?
Anyway, I still think it’s sweet that, Army brat though he was, he still has a charming Midwestern naivete about the foulest of our schoolyard euphemisms.
Trying to decide if “a peek at the sausage” is the worst way to refer to this story, or the best…
Disappointed at the lack of Reddi Whip content.
That image is fantastic, and somehow made me think of the Reddi Whip commercial where the diner waitress was asking the customer which she wanted and held up a tub of Cool whip and a can of spray-white stuff and said “Oil, or cream?” It meshes with this article nicely.
David,
Thank the Lord above this isn’t Tumblr.
I learned “raw dog” at age 27. I had been using it at work pretty often without repercussions
On pretty much 100% of work-related slack channels, I would highly recommend against posting and/or clicking video links that have a caption of “that video mad me cream my pants”.
As if David’s life choices aren’t evidence of enough kinks.
Am I the only one who can’t get James Spader and Elias Koteas out of their mind RN?
You beat me too it. Well played
And the funny thing is the novel is actually twice as, er, challenging as the movie.
Does anybody still wonder why he’s still single?
“Does anybody believe he’s still single?”
Fixed that for you 🙂