I’m sure, as you reflect upon last week’s Tales From The Slack, where you learned that David’s understanding of bodily fluid slang is, at best, poor, and at worst makes people thing he’s into some really weird sex stuff. This week we, shockingly have another two-fisted tale of bodily fluids, only this time it all takes place inside a Volkswagen van, and it involves the unspoken but very, very clear judgement of a German. Let me explain this unsettlingly revealing story, and how it answers that age-old question everyone has asked themselves, “Does a German think I’m a disgusting animal?”
This all happened about three years ago, when David and I attempted to, for science, spend a full 24 hours inside of one of the fantastic Volkswagen T6.1 camper vans, the kind everyone wants in America which makes VW’s crack product team say, no, sorry, we’re not selling these in America, because it’d be such a hassle, you know, with all that money.
Anyway, we made a whole ridiculous video about the experience:
Now, these camper vans are not big, and as such do not have any sort of toilet. So, if we were going to remain in the van, that meant all of our bladder voiding had to happen while we were still in the van, something we accomplished by opening a door or window and ejecting a nice healthy, pencil-girthed column of piping-hot urine out onto the ground, like a gentleman.
Now, the friendly German Volkswagen PR staff was incredible for all of this: understanding of our silly plan, attentive, helpful, absolutely top-notch professionals. Knowing we couldn’t leave, they brought our food to our window, even going so far as to brown our demanded crème brûlée right there at the bus window:
I mean, holy shit, that’s service right there.
Okay, so here’s the other important bit of information: before getting into the van for our 24 hour stint, David and I bought some snacks, some of which you can see here:
Some sort of salamis, and what looks like deviled eggs. I also happen to know that there were some pickles in a clear plastic container, and that will soon become the crux of this story. These are the pickles:
Okay, now we all have the proper visuals. So, here’s what happened: David and I had finished the pickles, during one of our marathon picklefests, and we were sitting at the table, talking or looking deeply into one another’s eyes or whatever the hell it is we do when left alone on either side of a table in a van. The pickle container, now freed of the burden of whole pickles, remained on the table, full of pickle juice.
One of the German VW reps came by to maybe bring us some beers or something, and as we were chatting with him, he noticed the tray of pickle juice.
He looked at it, then looked back at us, and, with a slight smile, pointed at the tray and said something like “Ah! You did? For the bathroom?” It took David and I a beat to realize that oh damn, this dude thinks we urinated into an open tray and just left it on the table.
David and I quickly explained that no, no, we’ve been peeing outside of the bus, that’s pickle juice! It’s not pee! It’s not pee!
Of course, the more and louder you insist something is not pee, the more likely everyone is going to think, yeah, that’s pee.
The VW rep smiled, nodded, and backed away. Maybe he said something. I can’t remember, exactly.
But what I can remember is this: this person, who had spent a fair amount of time with us, gotten to know us a bit, had seen what he assumed was an open tray of human urine just sitting on a table where we eat and drink, barely a foot from our faces, in the confines of a van, and thought, yes, that tracks. These two seem just like the sort of filthy animals shoved into pairs of pants that would be just fine with an open tray of urine between them, where they eat. Based on what I know of these people, this makes sense.
It’s an unsettling thing, when you discover what someone really thinks about you. I’m not sure if there’s some known German stereotype about Americans as having an unusually high tolerance for urine near their faces, which would make the assessment easier to accept, but the truth is David and I just probably earned it, just by being us.
So there’s your bit of an insider scoop: to at least one German, David and I seem like people okay with a bowl of tepid piss on the table.
Pickle juice fact: It’s great at releasing muscle cramps. Apparently for some people they don’t even have to swallow it, the second it hits their tongue the offending muscle relaxes.
I know this because I used to cramp up on long bike rides. After I started carrying pickle juice shots in my bag it never really happened again, so I guess it worked? 🙂
(In reality, around that time I just got in better shape, and started taking magnesium supplements, which is a lesser-known electrolyte that a lot of people are deficient in and can cause cramping)
I do not understand this humor. In what way is pickle juice different from urine?
Imagine the reaction if you just said nothing and drank the pickle juice.
An OPEN PAN of pickle juice? Guys, that’s how you spill pickle juice all over! AND GET ANTS!!! THAT’S HOW YOU GET ANTS.
I’d have the same concerns about spilling if it was urine, FWIW.
Also, what kind of weirdo store sells pickles in a plastic box instead of a jar? We have better pickle storage technology than this. Then you can relabel the empty “Piss Jar” and take swigs out of it the next time you do something with VW. YOU’RE WELCOME.
“That’s how you get ants!” You are missed, Mallory Archer.
Speaking as someone who has a weird habit of drinking a sip of pickle juice from the container when the last one is gone: I thought the end of this story was going to result in drinking it and the absolute certainty of the German fellow thinking you’re disgusting.
I have to admit I was fully expecting the end of the story to be them drinking the pickle juice to prove it wasn’t piss. Although if David had used the phrase “cream my pants” around this particular PR rep that might not have been as convincing either. 😉
I thought Germans LIKED pee. I mean, that’s what all those videos on the internet told me.
Those are the #1 popular videos. There are also #2 popular videos, which are technically the #1 popular videos.
So, you lovable morons got into a pickle with VW’s PR Team?
(low hanging cucumber on that one).
I don’t know why you guys couldn’t just dill with it. He was clearly gherkin your chains.
It’s possible the person was making a joke – to bring a little levity to the weird situation you guys were in – and did not actually think you guys had a Piss-Tisch. 🙂
Could well be. German humor can be very hard to detect.
It’s very difficult to anticipate a joke in German since the verb always comes at the end of the sentence.
I thought this was going to be a blitzkrieg joke for a second…
Just be glad there was not a Corny-Chon there. It might be misunderstood as a tiny green poo.
in the future, perhaps run those scenarios by the lawtopian department.
Pickles=tepid piss. Can’t argue with that. Pickles are NOT food. Pickles are a dare. I dare you to eat a caterpillar. I dare you to eat cow dung. A pox on every restaurant that ruins a hamburger with pickles.
The correct response would have been to claim you can’t remember whether it’s urine, dip your fingertip in it, taste your fingerip, then say “No, I don’t… think… it is?” and offer the tray to him so he could check for himself.
Now you know for next time.
I remember watching the video hillarious. I even mentioned more video than the sight did videos of crap that arent video enticing. That sight never did get car people.
I pray that you two never run out of these “insider” stories. This one is comedy gold.
You should have just drank it in front of him after that subtle accusation.
Do your part for America and remind them why they lost the war!
“What war? WE WERE ON VACATION!”