Over the past month or so, there has been a lot of hype on the internet about a particularly nicely restored and retromodded 1970 Plymouth Barracuda. This Barracuda is notable because it was commissioned by McDonald’s, the organization responsible for maintaining the only living communities of whatever the suspected mammal McRibs are made from, and is themed around the persona and character of a criminal commonly known as The Hamburglar. For McDonald’s to celebrate the Hamburglar is itself baffling, and, it’s worth noting, a real slap in the face to the McCheese administration, but to actually fund and build a very fast car for the Hamburglar to use in his criminal exploits is, fundamentally, a kick in the scrotum to the rule of law. Why have they done this?
Ostensibly, McDonald’s claims this is part of some sweepstakes, which I am not going to name or mention here because if McDonald’s wants an ad on my site, they can pay me, dammit. They’re loaded. And perhaps their extreme wealth is why they seem to have become so unmoored from reality and common decency that they have decided to undertake this project, where they glorify one of the most despicable residents of McDonaldland, someone who has debased every ideal of the community for the past half-century.
First, I guess you deserve to look at the car, which is an impressive build, and surprisingly subtle for a restomod made for a fast food company. There’s a lot of nice details, like the between-the-seats dual burger warmer, the dual “robble” badges on the shaker hood, and the subtle color scheme.
The Burgercuda, as it’s known, was designed by Sean Smith, who can be seen here, posing alongside the Hamburglar himself:
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This is all, of course, appalling to anyone with even the slightest shred of dignity. The Hamburglar is a criminal, an agent of chaos and negativity, one who has committed the same basic crimes since 1971 and yet that crime defies all logic. Why just steal hamburgers? If he’s just trying to feed himself, that’s tragic, but the volumes of burgers stolen make this justification highly unlikely. If he’s attempting to sell the burgers at a profit, that’s also unlikely, as even if he had buyers lined up ahead of time, the viable lifespan to sell a rapidly-cooling burger is very tiny, and the price he can command per burger is inherently limited, as it must be cheaper than a new, fresh McDonald’s burger that is not actual stolen property in order for it to have any marketable appeal.
I do have to say the burger-shaped taillights – which are the stock shape, just recolored here to be more burgery (red in middle, amber top and bottom) – are quite nice. It’s actually a very well-done restomod.
It’s possible that the motivations of the crimes aren’t for subsistence or financial reasons; the Hamburglar’s former companion and fellow one-product-obsessed piracy practitioner/larcenist (in this case, Filet-O-Fish sandwiches) Captain Crook, has reportedly stated that Hamburglar’s obsession with hamburgers had a strong sexual component, but this has never been conclusively proven.
Captain Crook disappeared sometime in the 1980s, and has not been heard from since. Most McDonaldland scholars agree the reasons are likely due to his having compromising information about the Hamburglar. You can see Crook and the Hamburglar (in tie) in this rare photo of them both, together, along with Mayor McCheese, the being known as Grimace, Big Mac, head of McDonaldland’s law enforcement and known to be either completely bought off or wildly incompetent, an elderly man surrounded by small, shaggy beings, possibly the sources of McRib meat, and a local clown:
The Hamburglar may also be a demonic being of some sort, as there is evidence he ages backwards; initial appearances in 1971 showed the Hamburglar to be an old man, sallow and gaunt, with a very prominent nose and massive nostrils:
Somehow, later appearances show the Hamburgular to be a chubby, youthful, childlike figure, a ginger-haired, with an almost cherubic look:
Clearly, something very unholy is at work here.
Does anything about this being suggest that they are someone to be trusted with the considerable might of a V8 Barracuda? I sure as hell don’t think so. The very presence of the Hamburglar in McDonaldland and the unincorporated areas surrounding McDonaldland were a continual source of embarassment to the McCheese administration and its head, Mayor Ebenezer Kennedy-Rockefeller McCheese.
At no point during McCheese’s term was the Hamburglar’s reign of terror abated, even slightly; it’d be more accurate to say he thrived, and his illegal activities, while limited to burger theft, trafficking, and, again unsubstantiated burger sexual abuse claims, were a massive thorn in the side to McDonaldland residents.
There are those who maintain that the Hamburglar is a Robin Hood-like figure, stealing burgers from the massive McDonald’s corporation in what is effectively a victimless crime. I’d be more inclined to believe this if there were any evidence whatsoever that the Hamburglar was distributing the stolen burgers to poor and/or hungry people, but there are no known records of any such incidents occurring. All evidence suggests the Hamburglar’s motives were entirely and unwaveringly selfish.
The Burgcuda was a mistake, and I would implore the McDonald’s corporation to attempt to reclaim the car from the Hamburglar before he can use it to cause real harm which he, if given the chance, assuredly will.
This build should never have happened. If anything, the Baracuda should have been restored with a Jack-In-The-Box theme, as Jack is a worthy recipient, if only for this old commercial:
McDonald’s, please make this right. Before someone gets hurt.
I can’t wait for the Burgercuda to turn up on BaT in 25 years for a dillion clams.
After having spent 23 years parked beside a double wide in Arkansas after it hit a pole in the Walmart parking lot
Ugh, vinyl top.
I love the look of vinyl tops, they’re so perfectly 70s Mopar. These kinds of cars just don’t look right without them.
The roof-rotting tendencies are a bit of an issue though.
His name is ham*burglar* but that implies that he breaks in to steal the tasty, tasty hamburgers. He’s really more of a robber, which, in truth, is more in line with his catch phrase, “Robble robble”. Sweet ride, though.
If you ever wondered what happened to the old McDonaldland crew, they went on tour as a Black Sabbath cover band:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jx3g-0yalV0
They should give the car to these guys.
Not just a cover band, they actually do fast food-themed covers of Sabbath songs. They played Denver last year and it was one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to!
The McRib, where does it come from?
I have a theory…
The McRib always seems to make its ‘limited time only’ comeback in late fall, usually November.
Because rats are ill-equipped for winter, they head for the warmth of manmade spaces.
What better place for a rodent to hunker down when the temperatures start to drop than a warm McDonald’s dumpster full of greasy food refuse, with paper bags and napkins for nesting materials?
Have you ever noticed and wondered why so many McDonald’s have their dumpsters hidden behind stone walls and locked wooden gates?
Coincidence?
It’s possible that the McRib is made from ground up dumpster rats fattened by gavage.
A McFoie-gras of sorts.
It’s possible.
I’ve never seen a rat and a McRib in the same place at the time. That proves your theory. That or the McRib is Batman.
Hey, according to what’s his name in Demolition Man, rat burgers are pretty good
So that’s why the ice cream machines never work. They need to pay off this dastardly villain in ice cream base. Nice job if you can get it.
That and listeria.
Soft serve ice cream machines are notoriously difficult to maintain, from a food safety standpoint.
Back when I worked for McD’s (early to mid nineties) the shake machine was disassembled and sanitized every night. Modern machines can do it automatically, but I think they will shut down if the cleaning cycle is not run correctly.
We had seven soft serve machines at one of my workplaces, and although they were in near-constant use every day, I never saw more than one of them down. Even that was a very rare occasion and quickly fixed. With proper training, they were very easy to disassemble and sanitize, and just a little more tricky to reassemble. They did each take about 30 minutes of labor, every day.
McDonalds’ problem is their current equipment vendor and the contract to have them and only them service the machine, and only with factory parts.
McDonalds used to have reliable soft serve machines. It’s my understanding that their troubles started when they tried to change over to a self-sanitizing model chain-wide without sufficient market testing or spare parts and technician availability.
Further, I’ve heard that this was a rare occasion where McDonalds corporate negotiated a bad contract. If what I heard is correct, there is little or no penalty for down time, and insufficient incentive in the contract to improve the situation.
The McCheese administration has done wonders for the Playland infrastructure.
I demand an article about Charles Entertainment Cheese next! I need to know what he has to say about *the allegations*
I would prefer an article shedding light on the many connections between Sid and Marty Krofft and automobilia
Bring on H. R. Pufnstuf!
The proprietor of the pizza and child casino empire!
I wish I could say I was surprised to see his name in the Epstein flight logs, but alas….
Someone had to help Hawking out of his chair.
How many words is this piece Jason and how did you manage them all on the freaking Hamburgaler????
This is the hard hitting journalism I come here for!
I think they all suffered from lead poisoning.
I have only one question: What reason do we have to believe that McRibs are made from mammals?
In any case, you are correct. The Hamburglar can not be trusted with this car. It should be sent over to me, immediately.
Well they’re not made from crustaceans cephalopods, molluscs, arachnids or insects!!!
(OK, maybe a FEW insects)
Why not? It doesn’t contain any actual ribs. It may not contain any actual meat either!
Pretty sure they’re not made from any form of life.. Well none found in nature anyway…
Krusty the Clown: Look, about the Ribwich. There aren’t gonna be anymore—the animal we made ’em from is now extinct.
Homer: The pig?
Otto Mann: The cow?
Krusty: You’re way off. Think smaller, think more legs.
If I won this car, I don’t know if I’d rather
Probably go full donk for a few years, then un-customize it. I guarantee I wouldn’t take it out in public as-is.
Apparently they aren’t giving the car away, just burgars and swag.
More evidence of how successful the “Just Say No to drugs” campaign was.
You know that joke in The Office where Creed thinks he has a blog but it’s really just a Word doc that Ryan opened on his computer to protect the world from Creed? Someone in Torch’s life made that same decision and chose differently.
“Hamburglar’s obsession with hamburgers had a strong sexual component”
That’s one way to make a Happy Meal.
Special sauce indeed!
“Oh my!”
George Takai
Gonna need to clean my Happy Meal toy now….
That’s Evil Grimace, boy. He originally had four arms and stole all the cups from the milkshake and soda machines. Been reformed, apparently.
So I guess you’d say he’s been…
…disarmed.
(Puts on sunglasses)
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHH!!!
He could have a Plum crazy version.
Black bumpers & wheels and poverty caps. That’s pretty damn sharp even if it does say Macdonald’s in the grill.
back when I smoked a lot of dope I speculated that Grimace was the juvenile form of the Frumious Bandersnatch
For a custom build it’s very, very well done.
I actually like it, then again I am weird and have driven 20 hours round trip to be adopted by a cat.
The whole thing is done in great taste and the wheels are the cherry on top. I would like them even better one or maybe even two inches smaller and showing more rubber.
Yeah, the exterior is actually really nice. The interior is a bit tacky, but looks like recovering the seats and door cars would solve about 90% of it.
Okay, I watched several pieces of the video. (The main presenter was annoying.)
I love an E-body Mopar… and I’m kind of okay with this.
They didn’t start with a rare numbers-matching car. It looks like everything they did is reversible. The dog-dish hubcaps (aka poverty caps) and redline tires are nice touches. And most wondrous of all, they left it a 440 6bbl with a pistol-grip 4MT and a shaker hood.
The Hamburglar may be an unrepentant jackwagon but that’s not the car’s fault.
The Hamburger is a humanitarian. He steals the burgers to *prevent* others from eating them.
It probably won’t surprise you to learn there was a whole conversation in the Slack about Hamburglar’s motives and methods this afternoon.
Not one bit—and it really should be this week’s TftS.
We need to see this.
I want to know what Mac Tonight was up to in all of this.
Mac Tonight is no longer allowed to live nearer than 2500 feet from McDonaldland. He knows why.
That pervert moons everyone he sees.
Cmon an old bank robber how about the fry goblins? How about Ronald who is never seen anymore? COSMCan old alien McDonald’s is using to introduce a spinoff franchise because McDonald’s franchises are overpriced? Not too mention WTF is Grimace? Even McDonald’s doesn’t know.
Juvenile Snuffleupagus.
In other “surprisingly in-depth dives into under-appreciated lore” news, the Wikipedia article for Clan McDuck clocks in at 7,200 words.
They should have hired a master abater.
Trying too hard?
That’s what she said!
Madeline Kahn had something to say about that.
She was something special.
I do believe the little shaggy beings are proto Fry Guys. Sorta like the concept car version of the ’80s mainstay.
Fry goblins if I remember correctly