I’ve left a note on its windshield, I’ve seen it parked on Detroit’s fabled Woodward Avenue, and I’ve seen it in the Walmart parking lot several times, but I’ve never managed to get in touch with its owner. The “it” I’m referring to is a vehicle so incredibly dilapidated, so rotted, so perforated that you’d be forgiven if you thought it had just been dredged up from the bottom of lake. I’m talking about the mysterious Dodge Diplomat that drives around Detroit, leaving a trail of rust flakes like an automotive Hansel And Gretel hoping to stumble back home after each miraculous day of commuting. Yes, I said commuting, for the unbelievably crusty Diplomat appears to be used for daily driving duty, cementing the fact that whoever’s job is is to keep this vehicle maintained may be the most devoted car-person in the history of earth. Or a fool.
I don’t know what the story is behind the mysterious Dodge Diplomat, which I’m calling the Detroit Diplomat in honor of the famously dilapidated but unkillable Chicago Cutlass that is in similar shape. Perhaps the owner bought the late 1980s machine realizing it’d be the final rear-wheel drive V8 Chrysler/Dodge sedan until the LX platform of the mid 2000s, and refused to transition to transverse-engine and front-wheel drive in the interim. Then by the time the LX came out, they were already in love with the old Dodge. Or maybe the owner helped design or build the Diplomat, and therefore has a close connection with it. Perhaps it’s a family heirloom? Or maybe the person just likes driving the car, with its gorgeous red velour interior. It’s not clear.
I’m sensitive to economic struggles that might force someone to keep driving a junker, though I’m not sure how much that makes sense as a reason for commuting in this old Dodge. One can still snag a decent cheap used car for about $1500 these days, and the fuel going into the big 360 V8 in this Diplomat — along with all the maintenance it probably needs to continue its daily-driving tasks — would quickly make it pricier to run than, say, a used Oldsmobile Alero with the fairly-reliable Twin-cam inline-four.
Whatever the reason for refusing to let go of the Diplomat, I respect it, because keeping something this old and this rusty on the road requires hard work. It also requires love.
For someone to willingly continue driving a vehicle this, uh, aesthetically challenged — to keep taping up the windows that apparently want to fall into the doors — one’s affection for this machine has to be off the charts and totally irrational. And as someone who refuses to sell his first car (I’m storing it in the woods in Michigan, far from where I now live — I know, totally irrational!), I understand it completely and I admire it.
The amount of rust creating gigantic bubbles beneath the paint is remarkable. And when those bubbles turn to holes, those voids are either patched with black duct tape or left for us to see the insides of the door panels:
[Editor’s Note: This is so far past normal rust, it looks like a skin disease. I feel like I should disinfect myself after just looking at this! – JT]
And it’s not just the windows and door-rust that require tape; the entire rear bumper appears to be taped (and then spray-painted silver) in order to hide copious perforations:
Many of you are, of course, thinking something along these lines: “This man is no hero, he’s irresponsible! This vehicle could get someone killed!” And there’s some truth to that; that said, I did peek under the car, and its floors and main structural elements appear to be — somehow — intact. You can see some rustproofing on the steel, so perhaps that’s part of it:
That right rear leaf spring hanger doesn’t look amazing, though maybe it still has some strength to it; it’s hard to tell. The rear leaf spring eye bushing is clearly in need of replacement — look at all that cracking! Oh, and the bottle (or whatever that is) falling out of the hole in the outboard part of the rear trunk floor isn’t ideal, either. Neither is the three-foot section of exhaust pipe missing at the middle of the car:
Also, I pray to the heavens that the rubber hose on the brake lines above are just there to prevent chafing, and not to, you know, seal the thing off (brake lines must be hard in order to handle the pressures).
The devotion needed to keep this old M-Body Dodge driving day in and day out is remarkable, and I admire that tremendously. I also admire that the owner continues to use whitewall tires, that they’ve managed to retain all four hubcaps, and that they’ve kept the interior looking so nice (I wish I had a good photo, though you can sort of see it in one photo towards the top of this article). But I just hope that the owner has the means to either restore this machine or send it to the great junkyard in the sky when it becomes a significant safety hazard.
The final scene of Blues Brothers comes to mind……. eventually.
This car is from later in the sequel series:
The Gray Brothers. It starts with Jake finally getting out of prison and after thumbing a ride home finding the Blues Mobile exactly where it was parked when the Cops dragged him away 15 years before. The keys are in it but of course it won’t start. Using the key to open the trunk, he finds an old Stratocaster and a huge Fender amp. He hooks the guitar to the amp and amp to the car battery. He hits The Riff From God and the car starts right up albeit smoking from everyplace possible and then some. Suddenly Elwood, hearing the guitar and the car gets up from the rocking chair in which he’s been sitting silent and just staring at the wall for the last 15 years ….
Annnnd we’re off!
The rustiest car I have owned was a hand-me-down from my inlaws that spent most of its life in Montreal. That city is much worse than others in Canada or USA’s rust belt. Its external appearance was similar, although only 10 years old. Most of the floor under the driver’s seat was gone. I remember that the best feature was the ability to merge or change lanes at will. One only had to turn the steering wheel and an opening would appear. PS, I did replace the floor with steel, pop rivets, and roofing tar. I once rode in a 3 year old taxi in Montreal that I could see the road through the hole in the floor in the RR.
It’s Mike Ermentraut’s parts car; show some respect.
Another satisfied Car Shield customer?
Someone got screwed on the TruCoat….
A rolling vector of tetanus! Bask in its almighty glory!
There’s someone out there who would give them real money for those spoked wheel covers.
I think those may even be an upgrade. My dad’s 1985 Fifth Avenue had them, and it was a very, very different trim level.
I think we all know that rubber brake line is acting as a brake line and not just a shield. It’s even triple hose clamped on one end to handle the pressure
I’d add a zip tie or two. To be safe.
This is Great!!!! Please tell me everyone saw the Dodge Diplomat in the Guardians of the Galaxy!!!! David! Jason! When is that story coming! Also there is a Gremlin as well.
More like Dodge Dilapidate.
Dodge Deterioration.
Too bad they didn’t sell em with a straight four piston engine as a joke.
The Iron oxide Duke?
It’s got the airbag steering wheel, which was only available in 1988-1989. Which also means it’s got the 318 V8 instead of the 360.
I’d be interested to see if anyone could find the holy grail version with the factory 4 speed manual with the slant six or 318 V8.
Haha I guess there is someone who has a 78 coupe who brings it to car shows saying it’s 1 of 7 V8+4 speed Diplomat coupes…..
https://www.flickr.com/photos/mopar_man/3669050197/in/photostream/
….now to find that slant six + 4 speed unicorn
This is Art. Any quirky 20-something can epoxy a bunch of rubber animals or jell-o molds to a crapcan. This, THIS is dedication to a meaningful aesthetic.
It’s like driving a stalagmite
If this is a reference to the “it’s like licking a stalagmite” mineral water post, kudos to you
haha it was not, but let’s say it was
The level of commitment is damned impressive
I just hope it isn’t someone so broke they gotta drive this
I’ve been more broke than that. I can nearly guarantee it.
I’d rather hop on a train car outa town with a knapsack on a stick than drive this thing to whatever demoralizing job awaits me, that requires me to drive this there. For money?
Nope. I’d rather put my ear to the train tracks.
Please respect the hobo arts and refer to it as a bindle
This reminded me of those marble art cars that were featured a few months ago. They also looked like they had skin disease.
It is good to see a hold out, I’d have gone with spray foam and the electric carving knife instead of the tape.
The owner probably doesn’t want to degrade to a Dienasty, this is a real car.
As a committed bottom-feeder in upstate NY, I call horse hockey on there still being viable $1500 cars around (the occasional Valiant being excepted).
‘Round here, anything with a prayer of passing inspection starts at $2500.
Fairly easy in Detroit or LA to find a decent car for $1500 to $2000.
Wait…isn’t that Oldsmobile the worst car you ever wrenched on, a nightmare that crushed your spirit and obliterated your sanity? Also, beware cheap cars in the desert. Tons of them show up on CL and FB. They’ve all been sitting for years. Time flows differently in the desert. Shit gets weird out there.
Downstate is worse. $1500 is roller money here.
Why do Michigan cars rust so badly?? I don’t recall seeing extremely rusty cars when I lived in Wisconsin or Minnesota, and presumably they also use a lot of road salt. I did see a ton of rusted heaps when I lived in Michigan, though.
Michigan like my province of Ontario knows salt is a local product, that’s good, salt melts ice, that good for safety and replacement cars are good for the economy. It’s a win, win, win, an easy sell for politicians of all stripes for half a century.
Meh, I grew up in Minnesota and I remember seeing quite a few cars there in the ’90s and early 2000s that looked this bad, or maybe worse. And some of those cars may or may not have belonged to my family.
What some people may not realize or remember is the fact that cars before 2000 (and, it would seem, particularly before 1990) used to rust out far worse than their more modern counterparts. I remember my dad welding pieces of steel into the structure of his ’78 Dodge Aspen (F-body, from whence comes the M-body and therefore this car) in hoped of getting a couple more years out of it. Or the ’68 Galaxie that he had someone actually weld new frame rails into so that my mom could keep driving it. I heard the stories of his ’65 Barracuda that had holes in the tops of both front fenders, so that mud would go slinging out the tops during rain storms.
All that to say, rust proofing has come a long way, and this Diplomat (which I happen to think is positively wonderful, simply because it reminds me so strongly of my childhood) proves it.
Wait, is this a real-life Chameleon XLE?
https://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/chameleon-xle/2859849
“Pure Michigan”, amirite?
The purest of Michigan.
It’s no Chicago Cutlass though….
FACE-OFF THE DETROIT DIPPY VS. THE CHICAGO CUTLASS
https://www.reddit.com/r/chicago/comments/10gq29x/the_famous_chicago_cutlass/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
I think I know how to answer this challenge: Which one is it easier to force Jason Torchinski into? The one he resists less for is the nicer car and thus the loser.
Came here for a Chicaco Cutlass post, was not disappointed
First thing I thought when I read this headline nope, the Chicago Cutlass would like a word.
I finally made an account here specifically to demand justice for the Chicago Cutlass.
The guy is extremely smart. Having to park on Woodward Avenue, he has created the one car no one wants to steal nor vandalize.
Hats off to his proactive thinking.
The hubcaps are still there because there’s a locking mechanism under the center cap that holds them in place. It was a theft deterrent back when people used to steal hubcaps.
That’s impressive. And it’s traversing the rugged streets of Motown so the chassis has absorbed zillions of potholes along with the annual six months salt bath. Back when I lived in Cleveland, any rig with the bottom 15 percent of the sheet metal missing was known as a “Cleveland Cruiser”.
There’s a Waterworld sequel streaming series supposedly going into production soon, if they need a new Deaconmobile, this could work
The owner is just waiting for old Diplomats’ value to go to the moon, then they’ll list it on BAT. “100% Original. Vintage patina. No lowball offers; I know what I have!”
In other random thoughts, assuming this is a 1989 model or thereabouts, then the rust on my (admittedly rustbucket) 2000 model-year Dodge pickup has another two whole decades to run rampant before I have to worry about it catching up to this advanced state! (There are people who hate the truck now. By then there will be an angry mob brandishing torches and pitchforks at the end of my driveway…)
#Goals!
“Small dent in right rear door, otherwise completely straight”
What are you talking about? That will all buff right out.
This isn’t devotion, or love, or anything of the kind.
Put the damn thing out of our misery!
Are you kidding? Keep it forever! This guy is the spiritual opposite of Whistling Deisel. Long live the Diplomat!
I’m gonna need to send in a picture of the early 1980s subaru wagon on my block that is street parked and is current on it’s registration and emissions (somehow). I’m pretty certain you can see the front seats through the door, not just the windows.
Maybe there could be a shittiest box showdown between the two? You would vote for the worst one instead of the one you wanted.