What’s the best thing about The Autopian? There’s plenty I could list, but one of the greatest is that the site never, ever has those slideshows of things like “Ten Worst Cars” that make you scroll through pictures of the same damn Yugos and AMC Pacers while also reading male enhancement pill advertisements every third slide. Those devoid-of-imagination countdowns are enough to make me look for another website, but it doesn’t mean that I’m opposed to lists themselves. As long as they aren’t slideshows, I’m all for rundowns of truly interesting tidbits.
How about “Top-10 Cool Features Of The Top-10 Most-Maligned Cars”? No car is all-bad, and precious few are even mostly- or half-bad, and there’s plenty of positive thinking that went into the machines that most frequently land on worst-car lists.
Some examples? Well, the much-lampooned Pontiac Aztek is packed with clever touches, one of my favorites being the center console box that’s actually a cooler that you can lift out of the car and take it with you. Our own David Tracy snagged one from a junked Aztek and even figured out how to get twelve cans into it.
What about the Chevrolet Vega? Sure, it had disastrous build quality, engine issues and inadequate rust protection, but the Vega used a clever shipping system to cut per-car transportation costs by 40 percent. Dubbed Vert-A-Pack, the setup looks like a fanciful solution a Fisher-Price toy might use, but GM really shipped Vegas this way. [Ed note: I hereby propose the plural of Vega should be Vega.]
The Vert-A-Pack system allowed for nearly twice as many cars to be transported in one train car. Forklifts would raise the cars into upright position, and up to 30 Vega [Ed note: See? It works] could fit in a single car as opposed to the mere 18 that a “standard” horizontal transporter could hold. Back in 1970, the average cost to transport a car was over $300 in that era’s dollars; not a figure to be sneezed at when it’s on top of the Vega’s around-$2000 asking price. That works out to about $2,500 added to a $16,300 car in today’s money.
Also incredible: the cars were fully filled with fluids during their trip. How did General Motors tip a car on its nose without having a liquid mess greet recipients of a trainload of Vega? Take a look at the shapely sculpture below: that’s the washer bottle from a Vega. See how the top is at a 45 degree angle? That’s just one trick to how GM compensated for transporting cars perpendicular to the ground.
Considering the benefits, I do wonder if we’ll ever see this kind of system again someday. That’s a bit of a tall order, but there’s a feature on Ford’s famous “Worst Car” contender that’s pure genius and could be able to make a quick comeback if The People saw the value it offered.
Get Ready For More Pinto Adulation
Last week Jason pointed out some unknown facts about the misjudged Pinto; like the other cars on the common worst-car lists, it wasn’t a stellar car overall but it was hardly worse than the cars it was up against in the market at the time, if it was worse at all.
Jason’s outstanding defense of the bad-but-not-worse-than-the-competition Pinto showed us some obscure and exciting details, extending right down to the marketing materials. The first-year Pinto’s brochure included a flattened model that you could cut out and assemble Pepakura-style (or Steak-and-Shake style, if you prefer). After folding the sheet-paper sheetmetal, you could add options including stripes and vinyl roof trim:
Ah, but before we grab the scissors and glue and cut the thing up, let’s read some of the type on this sell-sheet. Jason already pointed out the list of those maintenance and tool kits that Ford conveniently offered, but there’s a detail in the top corner that’s even more interesting. Let’s take a look (excuse the resolution):
Whoa, is that for real? The ignition key is actually a multi tool! Not one but two kinds of screwdrivers, bottle opener, ruler, and even gap-setting guides for spark plugs (remember, this was when Ford happily offered do-it-yourself maintenance kits). These key-integrated tools were certainly not as effective as the dedicated implements they were meant to serve as, but they beat having nothing at all. Best of all, the tools were with you anytime you drove the car, yet added no bulk or weight.
Ford provided these keys to new Pinto owners in a silly plastic “tool box” that I reluctantly admit is one of the coolest things I’ve seen this week.
It’s amazing how much Ford was able to get onto this tiny thing, and reminds me just how small the object needed to operate a car used to be. Today, most cars offer keyless locking and trunk opening, but the sacrifice is having to carry around a relatively large and chunky fob-device (by comparison to old keys).
Despite their extra size, the fobs above offer nothing in the way of tools, leaving you to other keyring-ready tool solutions. Swiss Army keyring knives are a popular option:
There are also aftermarket “key tools” available seemingly inspired by the old Pinto idea with far more “tools,” though most of them seem like a bit of a stretch to get a big number in there. Consider this “24 in 1” example. Number 18 is the hang hole, really?
Here’s a very sketchy looking knife that swings out of a fake key; I can see getting you to miss your flight if you forgot about it going through security:
Useful, but why do I need to carry even more on my keyring when my transmitter is already so large? You’ll have this big ball you have to carry in your pocket or purse or hang it on your belt like you’re some kind of building superintendent or jailkeeper. I can’t help but think that there could be a better way.
The Key To A Better Key
Let’s look at the transmitter I have as an example. This one is for my Torchinsky Motor Werks Hyena Coupe (pronounced HOO-yeah-nah) imported from the island nation of Jasonia. It’s one of these CLS-style four door sedans where they’ve chopped the roof down so that anyone over about five foot ten can’t fit and anyone under that height can fit but can’t see out. Like most of this ilk, it really isn’t a coupe but it has the “sporty looks” of one without the annoying practicality of a Saab 900 or Rover SD1-style hatchback. It’s great.
Anyway, as with most of these things, it’s rather large; honestly, if it weren’t (as with some examples) you have a hard time finding and pushing the buttons, like those dinky calculator watch buttons from the eighties.
On this one for my TMW there’s a “normal” key inside that slides out for times when the car (or remote) battery shoots craps out. However, a quick look at the back of this thing tells you there’s almost certainly dead space adjacent to the space where the key goes – there’s no way the printed circuit board or battery fills this entire area. I could try to break the fob open but if I can’t get it back together then I’ll need to get another key imported from Jasonia at great expense, plus they typically put parts in barrels and just float them to America so it could take months.
Could we not add some fold-out pieces of steel that incorporated some tools? No, not the absurd number of things that one key-shaped thing provides; I don’t need a bicycle spoke tool or a 1/4 inch hex wrench or a wire stripper. Just a few basic things I might find essential.
Below, you see the idea: two separate “wings” would fold out of the sides with different functions for each. The actual physical key could be part of one of these, since the whole process of removing the key from the back of the fob is a bit of a pain, and the tiny tabs on the back are not much to give you leverage if you’re trying to open a frozen door lock.
So you’re essentially getting a six-in-one tool if you count the two rulers (millimeters and inches on opposite sides); you might even call it seven in one if you count the physical key, which I wouldn’t do unless I’m desperate to run up the numbers.
You wouldn’t really be adding much weight to the key, and the size increase (if any) would be negligible. Why not give it a try?
Key Takeaways
Look, you might laugh at the idea but you’re talking to a person who in the last month has used a rental car key twice to open packages at a client meeting and even used said key to try to do some quick manipulation of prototypes without the real tools that the TSA would frown upon in my briefcase. The fact that a lambasted compact car from half a century ago intentionally provided additional uses for a key a fraction of the size of today’s fobs should be some kind of lesson for us, don’t you think?
If nothing else, the Autopian is giving you Ford Pinto coverage second to none this month. I told you I love this site, right?
Here’s Why New Cars Used To Come With Plastic Keys – The Autopian
Your Keyfob Probably Has A Secret Feature You Never Knew About – The Autopian
Given how big my Ford key fob is, it really should have swiss army knife capabilities. Which begs the question, why has every car I bought over the last 30 years come with bigger and bigger key fobs??
The excuse would be that they have to be larger since they now have more capabilities, but I know that one of our cars supposedly came with a credit card sized thing you could keep in your wallet that allowed you to get in a start the car (we got it used of course so the card was long gone). If that’s the case I call bullshit on the bigger controllers.
Another reason that I explained was that they want the buttons big enough to reach, but our previous car had the well-known Toyota/Lexus key with the little buttons on the end of the key and that worked fine (until it broke in half as those were known to do after about 100,000 miles of use)
I epoxied my is200’s key back together 3 times before it completely disintegrated. I miss having a proper key to start my car :/
I can’t remember what I did with the RX or mom’s LS, but I thought I ended up getting a new body and transferred things over? They had the same kind of key.
Not seeing the bottle opener on the Pinto key, but let’s go with it:
Multi-tool–you’ll be fixing it a lot.
Bottle opener–when you want a drink badly enough, anything is a bottle opener, and you’ll definitely want a drink.
Ruler–you’ll want to rap yourself on the knuckles for buying this car.
I think this is the first time in my 38 years on this Earth that I’ve seen the Pinto logo, so I’m just now noticing the Mustang-like tail hanging off the end of the “o”. Nice touch, 1970’s Ford Motor Company.
Anyway, Jasonia! It’s been too long, but worth the wait as always. Another fine idea from that industrious nation.
My favorite features on the 24-in-1 tool are the Bottie opener and the Bort drver.
Do not use a tool to open my Bottie, please.
This is good, nay, great Autopian. I also found the Pinto key quite fascinating.
Also, I like the comment below about doubling the key fob as an OBDII reader device.
Thank you!
I like the USB idea as well, though I’d probably get more use out a thumb drive than an OBDII reader. Honestly, like my other German cars, when use a code reader it really just tells me how many thousands of dollars I’ll possibly end up spending at Tony’s European Car Service before the inevitable call to AAA.
My parents had two Pintos at one time. A 2 tone 72 runabout with burnt orange carpet, and a 73 white sedan with an avocado green interior. Sooo 70’s. I remember assembling the do-it-yourself pinto as a kid. Both were manual and they used to push start the runabout with the sedan to get it going on cold Ohio mornings. Not ramming speed, so no fiery deaths occured.
Well, they have those micro soldering torches: since it’s Torch Motor Werks, how about incorporating one of those in there? I guess you actually would then need to have a wire stripper in it too. But it could also maybe unfreeze a frozen lock once or twice.
One major problem with the Vert-A-Pack was that, while they figured out the washer bottle, GM, trying to keep the price below the magic $2 figure, didn’t want to do the same for the coolant overflow. With an engine that easily overheated, this meant early death for many a Vega as the coolant spewed directly on the ground instead of into a bottle where it could do it’s sworn duty again next drive cycle.
A damn shame, as I really like the clean design of that yellow one posted up there: I even think it looks better without a chrome headlight surround. OTOH, it did mean a fair few got forced early sbc transplants 🙂
I wish the Cosworth Vega had more power than it ended up with; in the black and gold it looked pretty slick.
I think a more useful thing would be a multi-car universal key fob so you could use a single device for two or three cars. I think something like a cell phone SIM card per car and a selector switch.
Talk about an idea that makes perfect sense that will sadly and likely never happen. Can you see car companies sharing codes and such to make a “universal” key? When they can sell you their own key for $200?
Love the idea. I have to believe that aftermarket could do it.
key takeaways….. i like what you did there.
I’d go ahead and count the emergency key as a tool. Keys are great for removing earwax. That gives you seven tools and you can call your tool-fangled fob – wait for it – the Locky Seven. I know, awesome, right?
I think the tools added to the Porsche fob here may be suboptimal. They add mechanical complexity with the flip-out feature, and since the Pinto key has routine maintenance bits, here’s what I would add to a modern key for a modern car’s maintenance:
1. The same key tip you included, with rulers and a screwdriver on the end, but the more common pull-out type you see today since these wouldn’t be used that often and pull-out is stronger and more compact than flip-out.
2. A usb-C plug that lets you connect a phone. This would be hidden behind the handle of the pull-out tool, sealed by a dust-proof o-ring. Once connected, the corresponding iOS or Android app uses the key as a key to wirelessly connect to the CANBUS and read OBDII data. That right there is enough to sort out 90% of your modern roadside situations.
Especially since real tools come with the car.
If automakers wanted to make it easier to read codes, they’d just put the damn code on the screen instead of “see dealer”
Fair point, kinda forgot new cars all have their own embedded screens already.
It amuses me to think of what will happen in 30 years when carplay support is discontinued, everyone’s using greentooth and USB-G, and used cars from the 10s through the 20s all have infotainment screens integrated into the CANBUS that can’t be upgraded and/or need some rare discontinued bespoke retrofit kit, so everyone’s back to using those cigarette lighter dongles to convert signal to old-school bluetooth, while the really ANCIENT 2005 cars have the latest holographic-projector double DIN retrofit unit with brain-chip interface and the new experimental micro-edging driver awareness system (MEDAS, it keeps you awake on long drives across our 20-lane interstates). I feel like I’m digressing.
There’s a Konami code you can punch in on the C5 Corvette where it will list all stored codes on the dash display. Sadly, my understanding is that they removed this feature from all subsequent generations.
That open space on your Hyena key fob? It needs to be filled with gasoline or other flammable substance, and there be a small igniter on the non-key end, turning it into a mini flamethrower for close combat.
You could also make it so yanking the key out of the fob lights a fuse, so it can also be a hand grenade, if the enemy is further away. You’ll still have your key, though, for a quick escape!
It’s getting confiscated at every airport, but that’s just how things are done in Jasonia.
As I’ve said, they’re in constant fear of the Jalopnians that they escaped from. That and Gizmodian henchmen. You can’t be too careful.
The pull ring on the hand grenade is a regular split ring keychain ring, so you still have to frustratingly wedge it apart with a thumbnail while you work it twice around the circumference, cursing and moving it millimeters at time. Hopefully they remember to lengthen the fuse in consideration of this.
I’d never know where my keys were if you turned them into tools. I’m constantly losing the tool I had in my hand just 30 seconds ago. Half my life would be spent trying to find keys hiding next to a pile of 10 mm sockets somewhere.
Rusty, you’re talking to a person that regularly wonders why his cell phone is missing from his pocket…when he’s talking on it.
Drive to the airport for a flight…car key gets confiscated at TSA due to the hidden knife blade. Nice!
But also, the philips screwdriver on the tip seems like a great way to snap a key in half while attempting to unstick a stubborn screw.
Keys today are pretty strong. Now, back in the day, I think I snapped two in our 280Z trying to open a frozen lock.
I’ve got a little key-shaped multi-tool with a blade, and so far it’s never been a problem on international flights, because it looks so much like a normal key it doesn’t get looked at.
Of course, the sensible thing to do would be to leave it at home, but I always forget until I’m already in-line for security.
The Phillips head screwdriver is surprisingly useful too, and the metal is hard enough that it seems robust.
In high school and college I always had at least the small Victorinox Swiss Army knife in my pocket. Now I never carry one because metal detectors everywhere and just not worth the hassle. I do keep a good multitool in each car as well as a box cutter.
I regularly carry a Swiss Army knife with me and I don’t think it’s ever tripped a metal detector. It probably contains less metal than my physical keys.
The one time it became any issue at all was when a security person actually saw the knife, and even then he let me through as long as I kept it put away.
Man, it sucks that the Vega sucked so hard. Cause I think it’s damn good looking.
As for the key, I’d be worried that anything that has to fold into the fob will only somehow make the fob even larger than it already is. It has to hold a battery, after all.
I wouldn’t mind a built in bottle opener though. Anything to make the keyring less bulky is appreciated.
As I said, it’s a case-by-case basis. There’s actually a lot of dead space in many of those transmitters.
Nah, they have a coin battery, there’s a flat circuit board n there, it’s like 1/4″ thick, it’s just air and plastic.
Heh – hanger 18.
The hang hole is apparently the same as “2) Stippng tool” [sic] which I assume is the wire stripper you mentioned. #2, indeed.
Right? And you’ll have to take the thing off the ring to use it. Can you see someone doing a wiring job and saying “Oh, I have these wire cutters and other tools but SO glad I can use this key to do a crappy job stripping off the insulation off”?
And conversely, outside of a MacGyver episode, how often does one come across an emergency situation where stripping wires is the key to success?
When you realize that a useful electrical connection had been hanging on by a single strand of copper wire which finally snapped and caused the connected thing to stop being useful.
To choose a, uh, completely random example. 😐
(The better answer would be to retrieve actual wire strippers from the handy kit, assuming the tool bag behind the wheel put them in the tool bag in the car)
See, as soon as I wrote that, I kinda figured this was the wrong crowd for that sort of assumption. 😉
Not to mention that the “stipping” tool cutter might sever the strap use to hang the key.
They had to re-engineer a bunch of stuff to keep Vega from being attacked by various fluids when Vert-A-Pak’ed. The battery fillers (remember those?) had to be relocated to the rear edge of the battery, for example. The float bowl had a special drain out the top.
Of course, everything turned out fine and all cars are now delivered by Vert-A-Pak. I guess.
Kia key fobs need to come with a foldout USB stick for, you know, emergencies.
Came here for this. Well played.
And isn’t the forthcoming Dodge Charger supposed to have a button to remotely rev it, so you can I dunno scare people in the McDonald’s parking lot? Or am I thinking of the Mustang?
That’s the 2024 Ford Mustang, not the charger with the remote rev feature
This is just wonderful. Tell me Jeep fobs wouldn’t contain a tiny compass b/c Jeep and Honda fobs a valve stem cap wrench for ease of installing colored/skull/alien ones…
In real life, I do love my Swiss+Tech utili-key. It’s exactly the size of a regular key and contains just enough of the stuff you’d need to do whatever you’d do normally while just having your keys on you. Open a box, sure; start a fire in the rain, no.
Another happy owner of a utilikey here too. It’s only as big as a small key, and barely adds any bulk to my keyring.
So, I own a 1976 Pinto Wagon, (it was my dad’s) the ignition key is just a regular Ford key, I also bought one of the tool keys, it’s NOT a key, just a little multi-tool that’s shaped like the key.
I wonder why it couldn’t be cut for use as a key? If not for the car, for something else? as long as the phillips head part on the end was small enough
The dimensions are just all wrong to work as a key, and cutting into a key would destroy the screwdriver tip and ruler.
You’ve got the round/square key thing on that? I know my ’83 Panther body had two keys (one for door and one for ignition) while the later ’88 had just one for both which I didn’t use on the doors anyway since I had a futuristic KEYPAD. Oooo! Hit 5/6 and the TRUNK POPPED OPEN! Like it was the future.
It’s at my parents house, but I can take a look this weekend
Never bought the tool kit. But as a long time Pinto owner, I learned to always carry a small box of essential type tools in the trunk.