It’s time for another installment of Glorious Garbage, where we highlight a car that is indisputably piping-hot garbage and yet, somehow, strangely appealing, largely thanks to healthy doses of nostalgia, irony, and, let’s be honest, more than a little self-debasement. We started the series off last time with what is arguably the slowest car ever to wear the DeTomaso name, and this week our Glorious bit of wheeled Garbage is actually somewhat similar, in that it’s a not-particularly sporty car dressed up as something very much more than it actually is. The difference here is that where the Dodge DeTomaso was a car that looked the part but was writing visual checks its butt couldn’t cash, this one is such a hilarious and unbelievable caricature that I don’t think there was ever any danger of it being taken seriously. My fellow Autopians, please introduce yourselves to the Plymouth Volaré Street Kit Car.
Huh, I just realized that so far, the Glorious Garbage series is 100% Mopar. This isn’t intentional. It’s only the second installment, so, please, Mopar fans, don’t take this as a slight.
The Plymouth Volaré Street Kit Car was, essentially, a regular-ass 1978 Plymouth Volaré dressed up in the automotive equivalent of a Halloween costume of Richard Petty’s famous #43 NASCAR racing car. This was a factory-selectable option, and for those of you who are skeptical, here, look at this dealer flyer for the package:
Look at all that crap they stuck onto that Volaré! Fake wheel flares, a tacked-on spoiler, front air dam that looks like it may be able to do a bit of snowplow duty if only the front engine/RWD Volaré wasn’t so useless in the snow, the silly louvered side-window stick-on cover, and, perhaps most hilariously, the fake windshield and rear window clips and retaining straps and those fake hood pins.
Oh man, are these things ridiculous. Look:
Those rear window “retaining straps” would do, of course, absolutely nothing other than to perhaps trap moisture and grit between the strap and the window, all part of Chrysler’s decades-long experiment to see if they can get glass to rust, and I bet the little tabs on the windshield were installed by a dealer tech eyeballing the location and using a hardware-store wood screw right into the sheet metal. The fake hood retaining pins are just, you know, chef’s kissable.
There was also a Dodge Aspen version you could get too, which seemed to replace the Petty-traditional blue livery with a bold, scarlet look:
So, let’s see exactly what you did get with the Street Kit Car Package:
Special wheels and tires, a bunch of decals, those silly fake retention straps and hood pins, “Tuff” steering wheel, all that stuff, and the only thing that could even remotely improve the driving would be that rear sway bar, maybe, and uh, maybe the heavy-duty suspension couldn’t hurt. The 360 V8 was just a standard option, and the three-speed TorqueFlite transmission was hardly sporty in any context outside of “sportcoat.” That detail is especially maddening, because there was a four-speed manual available that would have suited the car much better, but that transmission could only be had with the inline-six or smaller 318 V8 engine.
This thing was a getup, an absurd, funhouse-mirror version of Richard Petty’s purposeful racing cars, and it’s hard to see how anyone could have seen it any other way. It was the automotive equivalent of a poser, a tourist who buys all the new equipment to fit in at some specific context or subgroup, and as a result stands out like a sore and yet too-clean thumb.
Remember that old King of the Hill episode where a businessman from Boston comes to Texas, all enamored with the hype and stereotypes of a dipshit’s idea of Texas, and shows up in a brand-new fancy modern oil-baron-cowboy outfit/costume that embarrasses everyone around him? Here’s a clip to refresh your memory:
That’s what this car is, but for NASCAR.
What makes it so especially garbage-glorious is that the car this is all based on, the F-Body Volaré, is kinda crap just on its own. This was prime Malaise Era stuff, an all-new design to replace the Plymouth Valiant and Dart, but saddled with having to use as many parts as possible from the Mopar bins. The suspensions were soft, with transverse torsion bars up front and archaic leaf springs at the rear, and handling was, um, not great. I’m not saying this because I read it somewhere, I’m old enough that I’ve actually driven these wallowy barges, and I can say from direct experience that they, charitably, sucked.
Like “felt like you were sitting on the shoulders of your drunk, swaying uncle while doing 54 on the highway”-sucked. Steering feel was like shoving a 2×4 into a bucket full of well-soggified Cap’n Crunch in cottage cheese, and I feel like I’m still being charitable here.
The V8 made a respectable 175 hp, but these never felt fast; I think that TorqueFlight greedily consumed the majority of those horses before they could make it to the wheels.
One thing I do like about the Volaré, though: they were one of the few American cars to be early adopters of amber rear turn indicators:
Another interesting thing about the Volaré is the name; it’s one of the few American car models to have a name with an accent over a vowel (and that’s official – look at the badge here):
The names of the F-body cars were originally to be the Dodge Aspen and the Plymouth Vail, after the two famous resort towns. There was a push to name the Plymouth one Cygnate or Signet, but, as the story is told over on AllPar by one of the original members of the team, things didn’t go that way:
“After hearing our proposal, R.K. said he would rather not have a new car at all then have it be named Cygnet (little swan) or Signet (precious stone). George, Len, and I returned to George’s office. George, a new VP, was crushed because he thought the proposal would be “rubber stamped.”
The name Volaré was quickly suggested after the disastrous meeting, but then sat on for a bit so it would feel like more work was put into it. The word means “to fly” in Italian, but it’s also the infinitive form of the Latin verb “to fly,” though I always confused it with the Latin verb volvunt, from which the name for the Swedish carmaker Volvo derives. Anyway, it’s Italian, so that gave Chrysler’s marketing people all they needed to go nuts and find an Italian singer, Sergia Franchi, and get him to make a whole Volaré song:
Of course, he appeared in commercials, too:
All of this is about as un-NASCAR-ish as you can get, all the more reason why the Street Kit Car was so ridiculous. Most people seemed to think so, too, as only 245 Plymouths and 145 Aspens were sold with the package. And, to make everything even worse, Petty, racing for Chrysler, finished second in the 1976 and 1977 NASCAR Championships, disappointing for him, and then had a further disappointing season in 1978, prompting Petty to switch to Chevy for the last dozen races of the 1978 season.
As you can guess, after the switch, Chrysler was no longer interested in a Petty-hyping option package, so it was dropped. Also, calling it a “Kit Car” was confusing to most people, who thought of kit cars as fiberglass bodies on VW Beetle pans. It just didn’t make a lot of sense, and that didn’t help sales.
Now, this series is called Glorious Garbage, and so far I’ve mostly focused on the garbage part. But, I’ll explain why there’s some glory here, too.
As you can see by that video of a surviving Street Kit Car there, these things have a certain undeniable silly charm. Cars don’t always have to be so damn serious, right? What’s the matter with just having fun? If this car is built for anything, it’s built for having a good time, without any expectations or burdens of quality or some bullshit like “excellence.” It’s just goofy fun.
It’s a hot dog, laden with chili, washed down with too many beers and maybe a fucking popsicle afterwards, because it’s summer and you’re young and lovely and nothing important is going on and if you don’t look at anything for too long, this is a beautiful world to be in.
If you’re going on a roadtrip with a stranger and they pull up in one of these absurd machines, the one thing you damn well know is that you’re going to have a good time and have some stories to tell. You’ll get where you’re going, but you’ll show up happily disheveled and missing most of your luggage and maybe sporting a new scar or tattoo or both. Oh and you should probably get checked for STDs.
That, I think, qualifies for glory, in this context.
360 4bbl, 727, HD suspension and fender flares/chin spoiler? Sign me up, It looks amazing!
You all can keep your shit-colored boxy Volvo wagons or your goofy Toyota Previa minivans. I would unironically drive this to work everyday, windows open and Zeppelin on the radio. Sweet
The part you ignore is the 70’s design catalytic converter(strangled) single puke exhaust, Lean Burn Thermoquad (junk), literally retarded ignition, super low compression with a weak ass cam and still averaging just 15.2 mpg. If they had done this right they would have figured out a way to get the 77 LRE truck 360 with 340 head past the smog police. and they would have put a proper 4 speed manual in them. The standard four-speed overdrive manual transmission seemed like a really good Idea, but I think it would have caved to even this anemic v-8’s torque. Quarter mile time were in the 17’s at mid 85 mph trap times. so you know you would be rocking out to Led Zeppelin while being passed by a Chevrolet Bolt playing Greta Van Fleet.
I can easily see a dealership ordering one of these for stock purely as an attention-grabber. Indeed, the real reason for the blue color Plymouth and red Dodge is that they corresponded to the divisions’ dealer signage. I wonder how many, if any, dealerships ever sold more than one?
I rather like this, simply do to the fact that it’s fun. It’s like a cheesy B movie. It’s bad, but it also knows it’s bad, so it laughs along with you. The world needs that sometimes.
It is definitely “So Bad It’s Good”.
Plymouth B from Outer Space!
Volaré, a car so cool even Sam Malone drove one (for one episode anyway) https://youtu.be/ObYkg5L2_ao
OMG I love it.
Everyone knows hood pins add 5 hp, but do fake ones add any?
Still looks better than an SUV.
Chrysler did make a for-real racing kit car in the 70’s. You could build your car from a menu of configurations from bare frame to finished car. It wasn’t very popular, but I remember pouring over the specs and dreaming I had the money to get one.
https://bangshift.com/bangshiftapex/random-car-review-the-chrysler-kit-car-program-the-original-saturday-night-special/
I sort of wish the Monteverdi Sierra would have mad it to the Chrysler side of things, yeah it is a tarted up early stellantis product essentially, but it sure would have gave the brand some style, even if it still had just a 3 speed and a smog choked 5.2. http://www.classiccarweekly.net/2016/04/01/1978-monteverdi-sierra/
The adult me is shaking my head at this thing, but the 8-year-old Richard Petty fan in me totally gets it. It’s like a full-size matchbox car.
I would buy one and put a 5.7 hemi in it.
While any mention of malaise era Chrysler’s brings me bad memories, I have to admit that I like it. It’s plain fun.
Needs more wind noise.
The wheels and tires aren’t bad, and the rear sway bar would be nice. Also feel like the new steering wheel is pretty harmless, but, yeah, the rest of the package is best forgotten.
Neighbor had one of these in the day. You nailed it. The funification of a very bland car. Who’s it hurting?
I think it’s kind of fitting for 1978, a time when the mullet was hitting its stride.
“Steering feel was like shoving a 2×4 into a bucket full of well-soggified Cap’n Crunch in cottage cheese”
….this may be my favorite sentence I’ve ever read on this site and that’s saying something
„Chryslers decade long experiment to see if Glass could rust“ is a good one too
Gasp! “Delightfully tacky, but unrefined.” The most offensive pieces on this are the window clips and straps. It makes the Plymouth Superbird look subtle. Very surprised by the bench seat and column shift. I want one.
So you’re suggesting that Hooters livery would have sold better than cosplay Nascar? I think so too. Hooters logos down the sides. The slogan in reverse across the windshield… like an ambulance. Just imagine the TV commercials!
This sheep in wolve’s clothing is peak malaise all show,and very little go because that carburetor engine probably stalls when cold and stumbles on acceleration. Worse, my 2016 Mazda gets 180 bhp out of a 2.5 liter 4 and has a 6 speed auto. In period I’m pretty sure a VW,Scirocco could outrun the Volare on pure power to weight ratio and a manual transmission.
It would be close at the drag strip, but the Scirocco would lose.
The Scirocco of that vintage was slow, I had one 1588cc, fuel injected, 5 speed and one day I took it to the strip, a 17.9 second run was my best pass. That Volare is going to run a full second faster.
That’s still better than a Mack truck. The only drag race I’ve been to was a diesel truck event. A Mack DM600 10 wheeler does a 30 second 1/4 mile with a 55mph trap speed.
My 78 Scirocco felt quick enough in the 80s but I never timed, my 81 would have definitely beaten a Volare because it had an 87 16V engine
I dunno, the Mustang II King Cobra edition might give it a run for its money for peak malaise.
Best worst hood decal of all time IMO.
A picture of the Street Kit Car is next to the word cosplay in the Oxford automotive dictionary, but I like it. The two-tone paint, air dam, wheel flairs and window louvers are, dare I say it, tasteful. The rest of the gimcracks and gee-gaws should stay in the box.
It’s sort of a a full scale Hot Wheels, and appeals to me in the same way Burning Man art cars do.
Cosplay car: “This isn’t the Car you’re looking for – Use the Ford”
Sergio Franchi was definitely a car guy.
He had to fight Ricardo Montalbán to get this gig. No rich Corinthian leather was harmed in the making of the Street Car Kit.
This thing kind of sucks, but I would daily the hell out of it. So much misery in so much awesome.
I am irrationally irritated by the phrase “road wheels”. I guess they keep the car grounded to the
groundroad.PS TorqueFlite, not TorqueFlight
It’s something of a British term and road wheel exists to differentiate from fly wheel and steering wheel so I’ll give half a point, the rest is still laughable
I appreciate the clarification, but neither fly nor steering will be plural so I’m not sure why there’s a need for the distinction. (Not directing this at you, of course) If someone says to you “that car has nice wheels” you’re not going to be confused and wondering which wheels the person meant. 🙂
Should I use my ink pen or my lead pencil to write the words road wheel?
I’m just curious what would happen if you put off-road tires on road wheels. Would they make the car a hybrid?
Adding to the whole mess, Petty also never raced a Volaré in the first place…nor was he even driving a Plymouth between ‘74 and ‘78.
Chrysler swapped Petty from Plymouth to Dodge for ‘73 and beyond. And then, because the 1975 “personal luxury” Charger was an aerodynamic disaster, Petty, along with most of the other Chrysler NASCAR teams, raced the ‘74 Charger right up until the end of the 1977 season when it was no longer eligible under NASCAR rules.
The ‘78 Magnum that replaced it was equally an aerodynamic disaster, so much so that Petty Enterprises swapped to GM for the next two decades.
Petty did race a lot of dead brands. Plymouth, Olds, Pontiac.
Does this mean we’ll eventually get a companion piece on the (various) Chevy Monte Carlo Earnhardt Editions of the late 90s/early 00s? Soooo wonderfully tacky.
My neighbor has a Monte Carlo (I don’t think it’s the raise hell/praise Dale edition) from that era that has an aftermarket exhaust with pipes shaped like the goddamn Chevy logo. Such an incredibly stupid vehicle. I love it.
I’d forgotten all about those! 🙂
The other week, I saw a black last-gen one with the kinda-sublimated, undulating checkered flag decaling across the sides…and I mean across, like from front to rear. I think that was the last gasp of the Earnhart ones but I’m not sure.
Oh god I recall those. All over 2010-era Fayetteville NC.
DALE EARNHARDT INTIMIDATOR. It was gloriously ridiculous.
One of my many crappy beaters during the ’90s when all I drove were crappy beaters was actually a blue ’78 two-door Volare. I bought it for $175 and it hadn’t been driven in so long that there were weeds growing through the rust holes in the rocker panels. But it was a slant six with an automatic, so of course with a new battery it fired right up, dropped into gear, and lurched free of the weedy side yard where it had sat for three years. I drove it home twenty miles at 70 mph, and it smoothed out nicely once the flat spots on the tires worked themselves out.
A month later, it quit on me in the middle of an intersection. The whole electrical system, dead. Chrysler, for some reason, equipped cars of this era with an ammeter in the dash instead of a voltmeter, which meant the whole car’s switched electrical power had to be routed through that ammeter to get a proper reading. So when some connector inside the ammeter eats itself, what happens? Yeah. I bypassed it and kept driving.
That stupid car lumbered through the rest of that winter without a single hiccup, even making the drive from Minneapolis to Chicago for Christmas. In the spring, I was sick of the slipping transmission and sagging doors, so I sold it… for $400.
I hated it, but kinda loved it too. This NASCAR cosplay set would have made it so much better, though.
I love beater/shitbox stories like this. The freedom of driving an essentially throwaway car should never be discounted —though I eventually learned to keep 2 tagged & insured at all times to avoid the Sunday midnight thrash-so-I-can-get-to-work-Monday
Once you have 2, they can start multiplying (just ask Mercedes). Towards the end of college I had a couple of beaters tagged and insured, plus another two “on call”. I had my insurance agent’s home number, he said I could call anytime to switch one over. I kept the extras parked around town at apartment complexes I knew of that didn’t require permits and had extra spots. One of the lesser-known benefits of delivering pizzas.
It fits right in with the other weirdo stuff they did.
https://www.dodgeconnection.com/LilRedInfo.html
Nah, the Lil’ Red Express was actually faster than its contemporary Corvette due to trucks being exempt from passenger car emission standards. Unlike this carsplayer Volare, the LRE had the (period correct) performance to back up its ridiculously awesome looks.