These Are The 5 Most Unwanted Star Wars Hot Wheels “Character Cars”

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It’s May 4th, globally understood to be Star Wars Day, and since David is still on his press trip I can get away with doing some Star Wars content without having to justify it to David, who I’m pretty sure thinks Shrek was in Star Wars. Remember, David grew up in Germany thinking that entertainment was watching wandering mimes perform scenes from Struwwelpeter, so he doesn’t know jack about pop culture. But we do, and since it is Star Wars Day, I want to talk about a unique automotive-related thing that the Star Wars franchise boasts: the largest selection of toy cars based on actual characters in any media franchise. Let’s talk about those a bit, and then I’ll reveal the Star Wars characters least desired to be translated into Hot Wheels form, according to my research.

In case you’re unaware of the line of Hot Wheels cars based on Star Wars characters, it’s a really unusual phenomenon. Hot Wheels designers make cars not based on actual vehicles, but rather as automotive adaptations of characters from the movies, basing the look of the car on the character’s general look and personality traits.

There’s a ton of these, too, ranging from popular, well-known characters like R2-D2 and Darth Vader:

 

…to more obscure characters like Nein Nunb and Maz Kanata:

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As you can see, Hot Wheels designers have gotten remarkably good at translating human and alien and droid features into toy automotive forms. That little Isetta-like car with the huge headlights does very much suggest that small, queso-colored alien Maz Kanata, and the flappy face features of Nein Numb weirdly translate well into a sporty-looking car.

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It’s a really specific skill to pull this off, and Hot Wheels designers have been doing it for a truly impressive number of characters, making me sort of wish this was a common practice for more media properties. Wouldn’t you like Hot Wheels versions of the cast of Succession? Or maybe Bridgerton? Of course you would.

Anyway, the sheer number of these character cars made me start wondering exactly which characters they wouldn’t turn into cars? I mean, they made a freaking Jar-Jar Binks one:

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…which would lead you to think that, hey, anything goes. But that’s not quite the case. Using databases of Star Wars characters downloaded into the Autopian Mainframe (a Radio Shack Model 100 portable computer connected to 500cc of laminated chimpanzee brain material) and then cross-referenced with demographic datasets, composites of human psychological profiles, and a couple of scanned Chinese Zodiac placemats, we have come up with a list of the five least desired Star Wars character cars, and then had the Autopian Mainframe render images of them via wires from a serial port connected to the part of my brain that moves my hands, which then drew them based on the compiled data.

As you can see, this is extremely scientastic.

Here’s the first one:

1. Ponda Baba

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Yes, that butt-mouthed alien from the original 1977 movie has a name, and it’s Ponda Baba. I suspect the reason this one is in so little demand is because the car would have to have a big butt right on the front. I guess that didn’t focus-group well. Also, Ponda was kind of a jerk.

2. GNK Power Droid

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This one kind of surprised me, because I always loved the clunky, slow, shuffling GNK (Gonk) power droids, thanklessly and slowly providing energy to whomever or whatever needed it. Maybe the whole slow and clunky thing was just too far from the whole point of Hot Wheels, fundamentally.

3. Willrow Hood

In 1980’s The Empire Strikes Back, there’s a scene in the Cloud City over the planet Bespin where a dude runs by in the background holding what appears to be an ice cream maker. This dude in the orange jumpsuit has a name: Willrow Hood. While I think his Hot Wheels character car captures his essence perfectly–it’s carrying an ice cream maker–I guess somehow this character wasn’t popular enough with fans? Some of whom may even love ice cream?

4. Muftak

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That four-eyed Yeti/moth alien hanging out with other various aliens and monsters at the Mos Eisley cantina is known as Muftak, and nobody wants him as a car, either. I bet it’s because of that creepy flesh-colored mouth-tube thing.

5. Akmena/Bea Arthur

This character, Akmena, only appeared in the infamous 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special, where she was the blousy bartender at Chalmun’s Spaceport Cantina on Tatooine, a planet that’s seemingly lousy with cantinas.

Our simulations suggested that this Hot Wheel version of the character could be the elusive and long-sought bridge between Star Wars, Golden Girls, and Hot Wheels fandoms, but our simulations also suggested that Bea Arthur’s estate would not have consented to have her automotive likeness made into a toy, as her estate has signed a contract with Stellantis to have her physical traits used for the design of the upcoming 2024 Chrysler Imperial EV.

 

 

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Mercedes Streeter

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53 thoughts on “These Are The 5 Most Unwanted Star Wars Hot Wheels “Character Cars””

  1. I have to wholeheartedly disagree – Muftak would make a great Hot Wheels. Something along the lines of a TVR Sagaris, but in a pre-war design (you can visualize it, I promise). The hair part even works well for inclusion of a double-bubble roofline.

    Why, thinking more about it now, it’s almost a quad-headlight Bugatti 57SC Atlantic.

    1. I 1000% agree. Muftak (and yes, I already knew the name of the Talz fron Alzoc 3 before Torchy wrote it) is legit my favorite background character. Maybe because he’s big, maybe because he’s fury, but for whatever reason when I played the Star Wars CCG I made it a point to have 24 copies of the Talz (no Muftak card, sadly).

      I would 100% buy him and the Gonk car. Torchy, put the mainframe to work licensing from Disney execs and get us some Autopian swag!

  4. Another vote for actually seeing the GNK, Wilrow Hood & Akmena. I’ve ended up with a few character cars, because they translate well as a vehicle, but happily passed on ones that did not.

  6. “Wouldn’t you like Hot Wheels versions of the cast of Succession? Or maybe Bridgerton? Of course you would.”

    We would! Please make this a recurring thing!

  9. Torch, as I’m sure you are aware, in the world of Star Wars collectibles, “most undesired” translates to insanely sought after.

    BTW, if you need extra cash to pump into The Autopian, you should have no problem moonlighting as a Hot Wheels designer.

    1. How about a Captain Kirk car? It’s a convertible but the roof fits badly, and keeps stalling whenever you “drive” it. And it secretly shares a garage with the Yeoman Rand car.

    2. I’m pretty sure most of the characters in the original trilogy were just called ‘extra #12’ or ‘furry alien’ and then when they wanted more sweet merchandizing money the nerds in charge went back and invented names and back stories for all of them. In my very nerdy youth, I read a lot of the SW expanded universe books. They wrote stories about even the most minor characters.

  18. I don’t even understand half of what this article is about (I guess I have partial-onset DT), but this is by far my favorite article you have written on here yet, Torch.

    It’s stupid and funny. For that, I give you 4 out of 4 Changs on the absurdly random scale. Congrats!

    1. Crap, no edit! I meant to say 5.4 out of 6.1 on the Absurdly Random Scale. I am leaving room for when DT leaves the hemisphere.

    1. There were a number of worthless characters in the new movies. I assume they were there just to provide fodder for fan fic and expanded universe stuff. So based on the existence of this article, mission accomplished, I guess. 🙂

  20. Torch, you must not know many Star Wars fanatics. Because the ones I know… the REAL fanatics, the ones that belong to the 501st and dress up in costumes and obsess about every detail and name thier dogs Chewie and celebrate May 4th like it’s fucking Christmas or something and defend that flaming pile of trash of a movie called The Rise of Skywalker until they’re as blue in the face as the milk Luke had for breakfast …

    … for those people, these character cars would be the MOST sought after of all.

      1. But I would not defend Rise of Skywalker, and am not in the 501st. I just do things like play the X-Wing miniatures game and have actually watched the Holiday Special in its entirety.

          1. Bootleg VHS and DVD copies are sold at most Comicon type events, but don’t expect to find an official version (George Lucas once said that if he had enough time and a hammer, he’d smash every copy in existence.)… although now that Disney has purchased the property, it’s possible that they’ll do something with it (They’ve already hosted “Life Day” (the holiday that the wookies are celebrating in the holiday special) events in the parks).

            It’s probably easiest to just find a copy that somebody has uploaded to YouTube, though (as with any copyrighted material, new uploads pop up as quickly as they are taken down). And, depending upon your level of fandom of all things Star Wars, you might enjoy one of the many commentaries on it that are out there better than just watching the special straight up. If you like RedLetterMedia and their schtick, they have a good one — if you’re unfamiliar with them or don’t like their style, though, you might be better off looking elsewhere.

          3. Several years back during a Christmas gift exchange game I expertly maneuvered myself into a bootleg DVD of the Holiday Special with a well-timed late steal. I had always heard it was awful, and wanted a copy for myself.

            It’s bad. Irredeemably bad. Not bad like Plan 9 from Outer Space or an Ed Wood movie where the badness cycles all the way back around to hilarious awesomeness, just awful to the point where the best parts of the bootleg are the vintage commercials (and some of those fall into the so bad they’re entertaining category like the one where GM extols the ability of their robots to build cars better than humans – a huge middle finger to the UAW).

            The plot is indecipherable, the selection of guest stars is like someone threw at a dart board to select celebrities that only old people would care about such as Bea Arthur and Harvey Korman, there is a weirdly sexualized scene with dancing girls (I think it was a pervy uncle having a dream or something), and there’s a featured song from Jefferson Starship – not the cool and groundbreaking Surrealistic Pillow days of Jefferson Airplane featuring Grace Slick and Paul Kantner, but when Grace was struggling with alcoholism and things were about to fall apart, eventually leading to the Mickey Thomas and Starship debacle. I mean, all that should be entertaining in a horrifying way but trust me, it’s not.

            It’s something one must watch, ONCE, for the sake of completeness and I’m not sorry I sat through it, but it’s unlikely I’ll ever watch it again unless it’s for the express purpose of laughing at the reactions of my unsuspecting victim that I roped into it.

            1. Oops – looks like Grace had already left the group at the time the Holiday Special single was recorded. Nonetheless, bad days for Jefferson Starship at the time and only getting worse.

            2. “there is a weirdly sexualized scene with dancing girls (I think it was a pervy uncle having a dream or something)” Chewy’s father, Itchy, was given a VR chair for Life Day and was utilizing it in THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM, where he CLEARLY had an orgasm.
              It cannot be emphasized enough how bad this whole thing was.

  25. I love the running gag you guys have going with DT and how he doesn’t get even basic pop culture references. He reminds me of that slightly weird kid in school whose parents didn’t own a TV.

    Great obscure Star Wars characters. I’d collect these and leave them in their original packaging to preserve the value.

    1. As someone who grew up without cable in the 80s/90s I feel like I never knew the latest pop culture growing up so I feel for DT.
      But at least my parents were better about movies so I have watch the original trilogy more times than I can count.
      May the 4th be with you all.

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