This Is The Most Impressively Filthy BMW I’ve Ever Seen On The Road: Cold Start

I was driving down the highway with my kid this weekend, mostly in a stream of largely monochromatic, unremarkable cars, when something caught my eye. At first, I thought it may have been a car cleverly constructed out of clay – there is a thriving pottery community in the area where I live – but it turned out to simply be the filthiest BMW 5-series that I have ever seen. I mean, look at it! It’s incredible! What is that, pollen? Saffron? Just dirt? Was this car just driven out of a barn moments before I took this picture? I have many questions.

And why would you just go on the highway without even trying to clean off some of that back window? Like, even just a few streaks so you can have a bit of rear visibility? There’s not a single handprint on there!

I get that this car isn’t new – it looks like a 2010 or so – but it’s not that old, either. And it’s not some cheap shitbox – it’s a BMW 525i! These things still sell for, what, $7,000 to $10,000 or so? No one had a hose handy around the pile of whatever this thing drove out of?

There’s a story here. In light of not knowing it, I’ll provide a few options to get us started:

• Driver parked it in a Target parking lot in 2019, fell into coma, just woke up, drove off

• Someone accidentally wiped off the “א” from the Hebrew word for “truth” on the forehead of the Golem washing the car, causing it to collapse back into dust, all over the damn car

• Gender reveal stunt went horribly wrong, as three balloons full of saffron exploded at the wrong time

• The evil Dr. Condiment’s Mustardization Ray is just about complete

I’ll leave it up to you to come up with some more explanations here. Seems like a good use of everyone’s time, yeah?