I was driving down the highway with my kid this weekend, mostly in a stream of largely monochromatic, unremarkable cars, when something caught my eye. At first, I thought it may have been a car cleverly constructed out of clay – there is a thriving pottery community in the area where I live – but it turned out to simply be the filthiest BMW 5-series that I have ever seen. I mean, look at it! It’s incredible! What is that, pollen? Saffron? Just dirt? Was this car just driven out of a barn moments before I took this picture? I have many questions.
And why would you just go on the highway without even trying to clean off some of that back window? Like, even just a few streaks so you can have a bit of rear visibility? There’s not a single handprint on there!
I get that this car isn’t new – it looks like a 2010 or so – but it’s not that old, either. And it’s not some cheap shitbox – it’s a BMW 525i! These things still sell for, what, $7,000 to $10,000 or so? No one had a hose handy around the pile of whatever this thing drove out of?
There’s a story here. In light of not knowing it, I’ll provide a few options to get us started:
• Driver parked it in a Target parking lot in 2019, fell into coma, just woke up, drove off
• Someone accidentally wiped off the “א” from the Hebrew word for “truth” on the forehead of the Golem washing the car, causing it to collapse back into dust, all over the damn car
• Gender reveal stunt went horribly wrong, as three balloons full of saffron exploded at the wrong time
• The evil Dr. Condiment’s Mustardization Ray is just about complete
I’ll leave it up to you to come up with some more explanations here. Seems like a good use of everyone’s time, yeah?
The owner probably washed it, parked it outside a couple hours, and came back to find it like that. I see North Carolina plates, their pollen has to be at least as bad as ours (southern Indiana).
I vote for the Golem answer.
But I have to know about the TRIPLE butt-cheek print on the side. Was the Golem constructed with a tri-cheek ass? Is this an alien’s car? If so, that could be the answer as they probably have radio frequency vision and don’t require the windows to be transparent to visible light.
NOPE, this moron showed up to work after getting gas and proceeded to stain their chair with pollen forever. And their car seat.
What a dust bucket.
My bloodshot eyes can confirm that this is either Oak or Maple pollen; at this time of year the air around here is so thick with the stuff that a gentle gust of wind makes my eyes stream uncontrollably for the next hour.
Either that or I am unexpectedly emotional about a neglected 5-series.
Rear wipers are useful in all cars 🙂
Unless it’s a Polestar 4.
The Germans have finally gone too far with their matte paint finishes.
“Hey, hey, we’re Adobe! The little car that’s made out of clay!”
https://youtu.be/F02P2JO7yfc
Came here for this.
Well, back to work I guess.
I’ve seen a few cars looking like that after parking too close at the dirt-track races, but those are usually trucks, not BMWs…
The poor car is sick, and a little too big. The owner read an article about turmeric being a healthy supplement that reduces inflammation, so decided to try a natural remedy.
Looks like the pollen paint job on my Landcruiser, which is parked beneath a giant oak tree. Luckily, it’s rained often enough around here to wash it off for me.
Here in eastern MA, it would be pollen. My own car looks alarmingly similar. Started out grey, now yellow.
I’m gonna wash it today. Honest. Mainly to get winter’s salt and muck residue off, and before my town bans car-washing because “drought.”
But it will be yellow again tomorrow. I kinda like yellow.
https://droughtmonitor.unl.edu/CurrentMap/StateDroughtMonitor.aspx?Northeast
I would have guessed you were good, but alas, D0, abnormally dry. I’m a bit surprised.
Is this an xDrive? If so, clearly it’s been off-roading, as every driver of an AWD vehicle does all the time.
I vote Pine pollen.
This doesn’t look like pollen to me, or not just pollen anyway. If it were in a spot to get drenched in pollen like that for long enough, it would also presumably have been exposed to rain at some point to rinse some of it off. The coverage is too smooth on windows and trunklid surfaces too for it to be so untouched. And even an already dirty car would probably have some more pollen blow off the windows at least.
It looks more like a car that was left in a parking deck or something for weeks or more. There’s a couple cars in my building (non-underground deck) that have looked like that for a while at some point or another. Can’t quite figure out what or why, but have seen it with a VW CC and an early 2000s Sebring sedan among others.
Various debris kicked up from other cars driving through, dust and such floating in from the outside, and some pollen yes – but not exposed to any rain for a bit of nature’s carwash. But depending how heavy and humid the air has been (and it’s NC, so yes) maybe it did get some condensation float in to really “bake” in the film.
Those “butt prints” by the fuel door could be someone that parked next to it loading/unloading their own car and bumped against it.
But why would there be “water” streaks beneath the imprints??
Well now we may be getting into questions we may not want answers to…
Looks like Jean-Ralphio free associated all over the mou-stache
Around here, a black car will look like that if parked outside for a day during pollen season
It’s the “Barn Find” look the latest thing in hardcore automotive fashion.
Rather nicely done I must say.
Stop the practice of concealing of the license plate numbers… the car tag is already being recorded on every camera along the 440 Beltline, 540, I-40, 64, etc…
It is pollen. I have two “outdoor” cars that stay that color for about a month each spring. Mine is Pin Oak but there are many others who do the same. Nothing magical nor esoteric, just life.
Still impressive. The pine pollen season here in the Triangle peaked a month ago
Are those ass-cheek imprints by the gas cap door? Many questions….
You may be onto something here. And someone else may have been up to something…
Tree pollen. I’m going to sneeze from just looking at those pictures now.
Until recently, my brother also used a BMW as his electrician work truck, though it was a 328xi and a bit harder to fit his ladder in than a 5 series would be. Rough-ins can get pretty dusty during dry spells.
This is simply a BMW in the final phase of the German luxury car lifecycle. As I’ve said, the cycle goes as follows:
1). It starts life as a stretch purchase lease for someone who wants attention.
2). It will then be brought certified by someone who knows a thing or two about cars.
3). It will be ditched by the enthusiast who bought it when the four figure repairs start piling up post warranty.
4). It begins its slow descent to hooptie.
This one is now a hooptie that probably just rolled off the buy here/pay here lot.
This is fairly on point. I’ve bought a number of these cars at stage 2, but foolishly have kept them too far into stage 3.
Oh I’ve nearly bought a certified German sports sedan a few times. If you’re going to go for that sort of car I think certified with a Carfax that checks out is the best way to do it because whoever leased it initially has already covered most of the depreciation and you’re adding additional time to the warranty. But once that warranty is up? As soon as the inevitable repair bills start piling up pop smoke and call for an evac….
“One owner, low miles, transported via ornithopter, only breathed on once by the dreaded spice breath of Great Shai-Hulud. Trying to downsize my collection. No lowballs, I know what I have.”
the owner is too lazy to walk so he parks it right next to his spice harvester every morning when he gets to work; by the time he goes home in the afternoon, this is the result
Its NC. There’s gonna be a downpour soon enough.
That’s what I don’t understand. It’s rained the last 10 weekends here in the NC, so are they garaging it like this?