This Minivan In Massachusetts Keeps Getting Weirder And Weirder And We’re Here For It

Weird Van Ts
ADVERTISEMENT

“I’ve never emailed a website before,” Autopian user SkyChief07 begins their email with. “I love the site, love the mission, love you all as writers and journalists. You’re doing a thing, and things are hard, but you’re succeeding in building a corner of the internet where car weirdos feel truly at home,” they continue before getting to the highly pressing crux of the matter: This absurd minivan.

“I work at a college in Massachussetts,” they continue, “and I’ve been driving past this van on campus for the past couple of years, and it just keeps getting better and better as the owner adds more and more stuff to it.” Behold the van:

Pxl 20230926 203447139 Pxl 20230926 203435287 Pxl 20230926 203427467 Pxl 20230926 203457001

SkyChief07 continues by describing why this is an Autopian van:

I had to stop the other day and take some pictures, and it occurred to me that this is a very Autopian van for the following reasons:

1. An unhinged amount of auxiliary lighting. I have a fantasy of Jason sitting at the bar at The Scarlet Lighter, doing a dramatic spit take when he sees all these accessory lights, spraying a fine mist of Filament Julep (a taillight-subculture bar has to have themed cocktails, right?) all over his phone. There are even LEDs mounted inside the rear bumper.
2. Is that a snorkel on a 2WD van riding on all-seasons? Where is this van going? What is it snorkeling?
3. It’s a 2nd-gen Kia Sedona in the top trim available at the time (EX). When’s the last time you’ve seen an ’01-’05 Sedona in such great shape (if at all)?
4. All the little details: the jerry can with a combination lock, the legs dangling from the tailgate, the Ring stickers, WIDE LOAD banner under the rear wiper (what if you accidentally hit the stalk and turn it on?), the fuzzy dice, the 2023 sticker, the name Bessie.
This van is awesome. It makes me smile every time I drive past it, and I thought it would ring true to the Autopian vibe. I hope the owner is an Autopian reader.
Happy Wednesday, all. Thanks for the great content.
Holy crap, SkyChief07, this is an incredible email! It’s a cheap, Gambler-ish type vehicle, so you know Mercedes will love it; it’s a forgotten Kia from the mid-2000s, so I bet Thomas (who loves mundate, oft-forgotten vehicles) will at least appreciate it; it’s sorta off-road-y, so you know I love it; it’s a van, so you know Matt will dig it; and as for Torch? Well, you already know why he’ll love it (see Scarlet Lighter above). What an incredible machine, and an incredible reader-submission!
The Wide Load thing has me a bit perplexed, as does that light bar behind the rear hatch glass, and those legs sticking out of the bottom of that hatch are odd, and also I just looked at a picture of the Kia Sedona’s engine and the airbox is actually on the other side of the car so that snorkel has me confused, too. Yeah, this is bizarre, and we love that around here.

About the Author

Jason Torchinsky

View All My Posts

89 thoughts on “This Minivan In Massachusetts Keeps Getting Weirder And Weirder And We’re Here For It”

  3. David Tracy, why are you shying away from admitting that you love this minivan, for just being a minivan? “it’s a van, so you know Matt will dig it”???… You have your manual diesel Project Krassler Chrysler minivan. You drooled over a 300k miles Mazda MVP and now you’re trying to tell me you only like this Kia, because of sorta being off-roady??? C’mon man, come out of the closet and say that you just love it for being a minivan!
    Yours Truly,
    226k miles Mazda MPV owner.

  4. My 2003 Caravan has basically one mod, one that this van sorely needs: trail rated tires. Still, I love this van and it’s tongue in cheek off road vibe!

  5. The light bar out the rear window is self-explanatory here in New England – when that lifted truck comes up behind you with his light bar on, you can let him know how it feels. Either that or they back down a long, dark driveway (another New England specialty.)

  6. SONUVABITCH someone get this man a GOL! DANG! BEER because “Filament Julep” has got to be some TOP you heard me TOP drawer funny shit.

    And pointing that joke at Jason, well, hell, son where else did anybody ever think it was going to go? It’s like if gravity had a flavor, Torch is a taillight-flavored black hole. Where else could it go?

    I’m willing to bet that part of this Kia is held together solely by electrical wiring. THAT’s what the bumper LEDs are for – they’re structural!

  7. I will admit that van is pretty interesting, but you should honestly see the Camaro running around my neck of the woods. It is cover (every inch of it) in stickers and stuffed animals. The van’s accessories while head scratching at least could be used in a zombie apocalypses, where as the Camaro is just “wow, what were they thinking.”

    Will need to try and get a photo of it next time I see it or reddit for the win

    https://www.reddit.com/r/Delaware/comments/10k3pdv/wawa_never_disappoints/

Leave a Reply