Welcome back! Today, we’re going to look at two cars you really shouldn’t buy. Really. Just don’t. I mean, they’re cheap and all, but no.
Yesterday’s old Hondas sparked a lot of “I used to have one of those” comments. Everyone has had some passing experience with an old ’70s/’80s Honda, it seems, including me. And everyone seems to be aware of how easily they rusted, including me.
The little yellow Civic took the lion’s share of the votes, and I agree that it’s the more special of the two. It’s a cute little sucker, too; I’ve always liked how the turn signals look like fog lights on those. But for me, it’s the Accord. A little cheaper, a little further along the road to resurrection, and I can’t say no to quad round headlights.
Now, I know some of you think nearly all the cars featured here are bad ideas. But today’s choices are really bad ideas. Like, Ishtar bad. Drunk-dialing your ex on their honeymoon bad. Skinny-dipping in a drainage ditch in Florida bad. I can’t wait to show them to you.
1985 Alfa Romeo Spider – $1,500
Engine/drivetrain: 2.0-liter dual overhead cam inline 4, five-speed manual, RWD
Location: Berkeley, CA
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: I don’t think so
The Alfa Romeo Spider is a hard car to resist. It’s low and sleek, with those classic Pininfarina lines (ruined slightly by later updates), a sonorous twin-cam engine, and sharp handling. It made Dustin Hoffman cool and earned Niki Lauda‘s stamp of approval. And better still, it’s an Italian sports car of the people, produced in sufficient numbers to make used ones reasonably cheap and easy to find.
The Spider saw a number of changes over the years; this third series Spider has the black rubber spoiler on the back, and Bosch fuel injection on its twin-cam engine. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you whether or not this one runs, because there are exactly zero details in the ad. It just says “Call for information.”
What little information we do have must be gleaned from the photos, of which there are few. For the most part, it looks like a typical scruffy Alfa that has been yanked from someone’s garage after some number of years. The paint is faded, but the body looks more or less straight. The top is intact, but the back window is missing. The interior is all there, but it isn’t in great shape. But then you get to this photo:
And honestly, I don’t know what to make of that. Why is it on top of a forklift? Is it still on top of a forklift? Is this a junkyard? What on Earth have they done to this poor car? “Call for information.” Yeah, I don’t think so, pal. Explain yourself.
1998 Audi A8 Quattro – $1,400
Engine/drivetrain: 4.2 liter dual overhead cam V8, five-speed automatic, AWD
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Odometer reading: 152,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and will drive, but stuck in 4th gear
Now this car I could say made Jason Statham look cool, but let’s be honest – he doesn’t need the help. This is an older A8 than that one, but it’s a cool car in its own right, with a 296 horsepower V8, all-wheel-drive, an all-aluminum body, and that good solid German road feel. It’s also, however, a product of Ferdinand Piëch’s time at the helm of the Volkswagen Group, vehicles not known for simplicity or reliability.
The ad for this car is a little light on photos as well, but at least the seller provides a bit more information on the car’s condition. It sat for three years before coming into the seller’s possession and being revived. It does start, run, and drive, but the transmission is locked into 4th gear, I assume as part of some kind of limp mode. Curiously, they also say there is no check-engine light on. Maybe the bulb is burned out.
In addition to whatever is going on with the transmission, it also needs brakes all around, upper control arms in the front, a transmission mount, and some other odds and ends. The seller says the timing belt “looks fine,” but that’s not a place you want to trust a visual inspection. Just bite the bullet and replace the damn thing, then you know it’s good.
Cosmetically, it’s OK, but not great. The paint is dull, the interior has a few tears, and the whole thing just looks sort of grubby. This would be fine if it were in good mechanical condition, but being both scruffy-looking and worn out makes it a hard sell.
Obviously, the low price of either of these is just a down payment. You’ll double or triple that amount just to take care of the problems we know about, and who knows what other surprises are just waiting to be discovered? But as bad decisions go, an Italian or German car is probably less potentially disastrous than anything involving Tijuana or multi-level marketing. At least you get a cool-looking car out of it. So which one are you throwing away money on?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
I’d prefer the Alfa, but it’s just too weird of a situation. The total lack of information and the forklift photo tell me it would be more of a basket case than is usual for Italian cars. Maybe for half the price as a part car…
Assuming the condition of the Audi is accurate, you could probably get it into a decent driver. The repair bill would be high, but this is a very cheap German luxury car. Get the transmission sorted, do a service, and maybe spring for some seat covers.
I’ve owned many Alfas of various types and conditions over the years, and wrenched on all of them. After you get it running, the Alfa will continue to do so with relatively minimal upkeep. With the Audi, I’m betting you’ll be constantly waiting for the next thing to break. My vote goes to the Alfa.
After a few years of trying to get the Alfa back on the road, I can sell it to the next
suckerenthusiast to give it a try, maybe even make a profit.The Alfa is at least in the realm of possibility as a DIY project. The Audi? No way that is getting back to road worthiness without a certified Audi mechanic.
Neither is worth saving at this point but I’d go for the Alpha. It’s a far simpler machine and will likely be cheaper in the long run (assuming you can even get it running).
The Audi is likely worth more in parts and that’s probably all it’s good for at this point. You’ll almost certainly go to the poorhouse trying to get that monster back into decent shape and once you get it going and cleaned up, something else will break 50 miles later.
I really want to vote for that Alfa, but it does look pretty forked up.
I think i’d get more cash back parting out the Audi.
Beautiful, unreliable cars that drive great are perfect for electrification. It might even be the best way to enjoy an Alfa Spider. I don’t think I’d pick the one that used to live on top of a forklift but I wouldn’t pick a pristine, like new one either.
Being forklift-certified adds some value to the Spider, but I’ll take the Audi.
I’d take the Spider. I used to love those when I was a kid. It was also on my list of possible donor chassis candidates when I started designing an EV conversion in high school, and I wouldn’t even need the gasoline-fueled engine to make it run again.
Damnit Mark you made me vote for a Piech-era VAG product. There are too many unknowns with that Alfa. Both are going to be total basket cases though.
No matter what the Alfa needs (rust repair excluded, I suppose) it’s still going to be easier than dealing with whatever gremlins now inhabit that Audi.
I like the Alfa that comes with its own lift
You know, I voted audi because I figured there’d be more parts value, but if I had the garage space for a slooooow project, I’d probably go with the Alfa and keep it. The Audi is just junk. (And, let’s be honest, always was…)
The alfa will look prettier in my garage while I promise my wife that I am just about ready to start fixing it. Any day now. Yep….
There are probably drugs hidden somewhere in the Audi that would allow you to actually turn a profit on that one, or have a lot of fun if you’re into that. But… when you’re done with the pain any agony of fixing it up (and I hear all about that agony from one of my coworkers), you’re stuck with a car that’s really only cool if it looks good. Otherwise you just look like a poor slob that couldn’t afford a new one.
On the other hand, the Alfa would be a passion project for me. Still a lot of agony in the work, but when you’re done you’ve got a fun Italian gem that will be cool the entire time you’re fixing it, even if it’s in fugly condition, it’ll be a conversation piece at every cars & coffee, autocross, or road rally you take it to.
Also, “Forklift Alfa” is my new band name.
The audi is salvagable. The alfa is lemons material.
You make that sound like it’s a bad thing.
Do you really expect me to fork over 1500 on that alfa? That price is pretty up there, and it would lift an awful lot of money from my bank account to get going.
offer $750, and it’s yours. Not saying it’s worth THAT, but they would take that offer.
Alfa. Gut it. LS it. With a blower topped by a bug catcher sticking through the hood.
The Audi is $100 less, therefore I choose it as I would purchase and immediately discard either of these cars. Seriously I was set to gamble on the Alfa until I saw the forklift photo. WTF is going on there?!
I voted Audi just because I like Audi’s, but the Audi would be better off reincarnated as beer cans and the Alfa as, I don’t know, crowbars or something? Maybe a part of a big ship? Just scrap them both. No good choice here.
I’ll take the now crushed floor pans Alfa.
At this pint the top of the forklift IS the floorpan.
I feel I would at least have a chance of turning the Alfa into a good running car. Get it running first, then fix and clean in ensuing years at time/budget allows. The Audi looks a complete basket case of insane service procedures and tools.
I’ll take the alfa but they must deliver it using the forklift as shown
Give me the forklift Alfa. It’s way simpler so it will be easier to fix and I’ve heard from people that they actually aren’t as unreliable as you’d expect. I’m sure that one is still going to take a lot of work and money to get running again but it probably wouldn’t be nearly as much work and money that the Audi would need.
This is The Way. I admit I was not prepared for the scroll-down on the Alfa and let out a “WHAT!?” when I saw the forklift pic, but honestly? It doesn’t look THAT bad.