Welcome back! Today, we’re going to look at two cars you really shouldn’t buy. Really. Just don’t. I mean, they’re cheap and all, but no.
Yesterday’s old Hondas sparked a lot of “I used to have one of those” comments. Everyone has had some passing experience with an old ’70s/’80s Honda, it seems, including me. And everyone seems to be aware of how easily they rusted, including me.
The little yellow Civic took the lion’s share of the votes, and I agree that it’s the more special of the two. It’s a cute little sucker, too; I’ve always liked how the turn signals look like fog lights on those. But for me, it’s the Accord. A little cheaper, a little further along the road to resurrection, and I can’t say no to quad round headlights.
Now, I know some of you think nearly all the cars featured here are bad ideas. But today’s choices are really bad ideas. Like, Ishtar bad. Drunk-dialing your ex on their honeymoon bad. Skinny-dipping in a drainage ditch in Florida bad. I can’t wait to show them to you.
1985 Alfa Romeo Spider – $1,500
Engine/drivetrain: 2.0-liter dual overhead cam inline 4, five-speed manual, RWD
Location: Berkeley, CA
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: I don’t think so
The Alfa Romeo Spider is a hard car to resist. It’s low and sleek, with those classic Pininfarina lines (ruined slightly by later updates), a sonorous twin-cam engine, and sharp handling. It made Dustin Hoffman cool and earned Niki Lauda‘s stamp of approval. And better still, it’s an Italian sports car of the people, produced in sufficient numbers to make used ones reasonably cheap and easy to find.
The Spider saw a number of changes over the years; this third series Spider has the black rubber spoiler on the back, and Bosch fuel injection on its twin-cam engine. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you whether or not this one runs, because there are exactly zero details in the ad. It just says “Call for information.”
What little information we do have must be gleaned from the photos, of which there are few. For the most part, it looks like a typical scruffy Alfa that has been yanked from someone’s garage after some number of years. The paint is faded, but the body looks more or less straight. The top is intact, but the back window is missing. The interior is all there, but it isn’t in great shape. But then you get to this photo:
And honestly, I don’t know what to make of that. Why is it on top of a forklift? Is it still on top of a forklift? Is this a junkyard? What on Earth have they done to this poor car? “Call for information.” Yeah, I don’t think so, pal. Explain yourself.
1998 Audi A8 Quattro – $1,400
Engine/drivetrain: 4.2 liter dual overhead cam V8, five-speed automatic, AWD
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Odometer reading: 152,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and will drive, but stuck in 4th gear
Now this car I could say made Jason Statham look cool, but let’s be honest – he doesn’t need the help. This is an older A8 than that one, but it’s a cool car in its own right, with a 296 horsepower V8, all-wheel-drive, an all-aluminum body, and that good solid German road feel. It’s also, however, a product of Ferdinand Piëch’s time at the helm of the Volkswagen Group, vehicles not known for simplicity or reliability.
The ad for this car is a little light on photos as well, but at least the seller provides a bit more information on the car’s condition. It sat for three years before coming into the seller’s possession and being revived. It does start, run, and drive, but the transmission is locked into 4th gear, I assume as part of some kind of limp mode. Curiously, they also say there is no check-engine light on. Maybe the bulb is burned out.
In addition to whatever is going on with the transmission, it also needs brakes all around, upper control arms in the front, a transmission mount, and some other odds and ends. The seller says the timing belt “looks fine,” but that’s not a place you want to trust a visual inspection. Just bite the bullet and replace the damn thing, then you know it’s good.
Cosmetically, it’s OK, but not great. The paint is dull, the interior has a few tears, and the whole thing just looks sort of grubby. This would be fine if it were in good mechanical condition, but being both scruffy-looking and worn out makes it a hard sell.
Obviously, the low price of either of these is just a down payment. You’ll double or triple that amount just to take care of the problems we know about, and who knows what other surprises are just waiting to be discovered? But as bad decisions go, an Italian or German car is probably less potentially disastrous than anything involving Tijuana or multi-level marketing. At least you get a cool-looking car out of it. So which one are you throwing away money on?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
Okay, I actually saw that Alfa up on the forklift, under an elevated freeway in West Oakland (where the header of the ad says it is, not Berkeley). This was many months ago, maybe even a year or more ago, so it’s possible that some, if not all, of the other photos in the ad are actually more recent than the forklift one. I don’t think it’s still up there—but I’m shocked that its next stop from there wasn’t Pick-N-Pull.
I came within inches of buying an identical (but slightly more operational) Alfa, so I’m going Alfa. On the test drive, the owner failed to inform me that the brake pedal needed some time and convincing to not go all the way to the floor, so pulling out of the gas station I completely failed to reduce any speed out of the driveway. Then every time you turned right the car collapsed completely into it’s left front. Bottomed suspension, rubbing tires, screaming (diy) power steering. The car was a pile, and the guy wanted $1500 2014 dollars for it.
Still, it was pretty, and very tempting.
Well now, do I stick the fork in my left eye, or the right one? At first I was leaning towards the Alfa being that it would be less of a garage footprint and most likely easier to work on. Then I saw it sitting on the forklift – who knows what was bent underneath when they pulled that stunt.
So, I guess I have to pick the Audi, especially since I was just lamenting yesterday about how I’d like to have an A8. At this price (I’m betting he’d drop down to $900 cash), why-the-hell not. And as a bonus, I know a guy who is very into Audis of this vintage and has not one, but two lifts in his garage.
Yikes. As sketchy and concerning as the ad is and my lack of enthusiasm for these Spiders, it’s the Alfa, I guess. Simpler fixes, more appealing car in comparison, likely money back in parting out if too far gone, and with no need to worry about value, maybe some interesting changes are in order, like—as dumb as this is for a New Englander who also doesn’t care for convertibles—ditching any kind of top save maybe a snap on cover for the interior, welding the doors shut so it has to be properly leapt into and to increase rigidity, cut down windshield with swept back sides, maybe a faired in headrest or the passenger space covered over and a sliding canopy like a later P-47 installed on the driver’s side, IDK. If the Audi was cheaper and the seats were in good shape, it might be worth it to make a kind of couch out of them, but that’s about it and a bit of a stretch for something positive to write. It looks to need about the same as the Alfa with a tired interior and paint and a major drivetrain issue that’s probably worse than what may be wrong with the Alfa and everything will cost more time and money and odd tools to fix, plus that won’t be the end of it for any length of time. It’s also big sedan, but not the kind I like, oh, and I hate VW.
The Audi has a center console mobile phone, people! How else can I sell you on it’s superiority?
The pressure of deciding is so much less when both are terrible, not that I seriously consider many of the vehicles featured in the Showdown. But on this one, I’m going with the “Alpha”. Restoration has been heavily documented by other masochists, and ultimately it’s a good looking car when finished. The Audi is too ratty to be nice, even if you fix it up. I guess it’s almost Gambler-cheap, if you wanted to go that route.
I’ll take the Alfa; my forklift needs a new top.
As an avid Alfa nut (I’ve owned way too many to be considered ‘sane’, and I would usually throw myself headlong into another one), who usually despises Audi’s mechanic-hostile engineering, for the first time ever, I will have to vote for the A8.
If this whole Alfa ad wasn’t a huge red flag, the car-on-top-of-forklift pic sealed the deal for me.
For whoever picks the Spider, my hat’s off to you sir, you are truly certifiable.
Both look like a pain in the ass to get running but at the end of the day I’d rather have a running Alfa than an Audi.
I’ve had Alfas on the mind for the last week, so of course I voted that way.
Tough choice. This is like choosing between getting stabbed or getting shot. The glaringly obvious answer is I don’t want either.
But if I have to choose between the blade or the bullet, I’ll take the Alfa. It is older and less sophisticated. Parts may be rare, but an old broken Italian car is better than an old broken overengineered German car. Although, I might go look at the Audi. I’m not interested in the car, but looking at the photos in the ad the area looks quite scenic.
Audi for me mainly because the Audi ad has some real info while the seller of the Alfa ad sounds like a complete idiot.
Seriously… the seller can’t figure out how to edit his ad? And the pictures raise more questions than answers… including the pics of the car likely from the past when it used to be in much better condition. And that’s just pure bullshit.
And the seller lists it as an “Alpha Romeo”. And he says it has a 6 cyl engine when it clearly doesn’t.
And since I don’t like dealing with idiots or morons, the Audi gets my vote.
I will take both, it will prepare me for owning an Allroad with air suspension
You buy the Alfa just so you can hang those wheels up as art. Plus, it doesn’t look rusty–it could be a feasible project, at least for a masochist.
Tough choice. Does the Alfa come with the Mexican blanket, duffel bag and all the crap piled on it? How about the forklift? I could use a forklift.
I had an 84 Spider Veloce in Rosso red and it was awesome. It was also in good shape and not this monstrosity. Seriously, how would that phone call for info go other than sideways.
I’ll take the Audi and get it checked out. If I can get it running for under $3500, then I’ll keep it. Otherwise, sell it for parts.
This is a tough one. I would have to call around to some of my local recycle facilities to see what they are paying more for today. Aluminum or Steel.
At least I wouldn’t have to trailer the Alpha.
Did the forklift do a deadlift and put the Alfa on top of itself? Or was this another classic forklift prank while the other slept?
That’s not a forklift, it’s a lift kit.
Yeah. The headlights are totally out of alignment.
I was all set to vote for the Audi when I saw the pic of the Alfa, but nope. I reckon the Audi is more pain in the long run.
Oh great, an Alfa with totally fucked floorboards. I can’t imagine buying a vehicle from a person who thought sharing that photo was a good idea.
YIPES! Yeah, these are both terrible ideas. I’ll have the Alfa, because it will take up less room in my driveway until I give up and sell it at a loss. It will also be much less frustrating to work on. The idea of working on that Audi, gives me the willies.
– Trash Alfa
– Grenade (Grenaded?) Audi
– Free Rogue
… Any chance you’ll throw in the forklift with the Alfa? Otherwise the Audi.
Isn’t true luxury having a car that works? When that A8 runs on any day not ending in “y,” just imagine how luxurious it’ll be! Plus, look at that sweet built-in cellphone on the center console!
The built in cell phone is what tipped me to vote Audi, NGL.
It’s a dangerous choice. That Alfa might try to kill you with a forklift.
(ole!)
I’ll take the flying spider.
Relative of the barking spider?