Good morning! Today on Shitbox Showdown, we shift our focus to the Autobahn, or rather, to two cars designed for the Autobahn that have made their homes here in America. Both are low-power variants of their type, both are blessed with manual transmissions, and both, for some reason, have had their mufflers “deleted” by enthusiastic young owners. We’ll get to those in a second; first we need to determine the winner of yesterday’s lazy luxury battle:
Yeah, that’s the right call. The Chrysler is no great shakes, but it’s by far the cooler of the two. The Lincoln Versailles is a barely-enduring symbol of everything that went wrong in Detroit in the 1970s. Use it as a parts donor, and good riddance.
You’d never know it to look at their current ranges, but back in the 1980s, both BMW and Audi made sensible, no-bullshit sports sedans that were built like tanks. The maintenance on them was straightforward, the engines didn’t require periodic replacement of major components, and despite their comically low power ratings by today’s standards, they could cruise along at 100-plus mile per hour speeds for as long as you wanted them to, year-in and year-out. Oh, and by default, they came with manual gearboxes.
They really don’t make them like they used to. These cars were so good, in fact, that they remain acceptable, if not entirely wise, used car choices even after untold indignities have been heaped upon them by owners younger than they are. Let’s check them out.
1983 BMW 528e – $2,000
Engine/drivetrain: 2.7 liter overhead cam inline 6, five-speed manual, RWD
Location: Happy Valley, OR
Odometer reading: 177,000 miles
Runs/drives? Yes indeed
BMW’s famous tagline, “The Ultimate Driving Machine,” wasn’t just something invented by Germany’s version of Don Draper. It was a mission statement, a declaration of intent. BMW built cars meant to be driven, and it showed: dashboard controls were angled towards the driver, seating positions were high and visibility was excellent, controls felt good to operate. I don’t know how much of that feeling still exists in modern BMWs; the newest one I’ve ever driven is a 2005, but I know this one has it in spades.
The 528e was a special model designed for fuel economy. It features a 2.7 liter version of BMW’s M20 six-cylinder engine intended to boost BMW’s corporate average fuel economy numbers in the US market. It’s not the typical revvy BMW six; this one redlines at something like 4500 RPM. The best way to make this car feel fast is to drive a Mercedes 300D right before it. This one at least has a five-speed manual to liven things up a bit. The seller says it runs and drives fine, and has had a recent timing belt change, along with some other work. However, some nitwit removed the muffler, so Midas should be your first stop, to give it back some dignity.
I really dig this car’s interior. I don’t know if the red and black motif is factory original or not, but it’s striking. Most 528es I’ve seen have plain beige interiors. It’s in decent shape, it looks like, and the only problem noted in the ad is a non-functional left rear door. Have your friends get in from the curb side; it’s safer anyway.
Outside, it’s a forty-year-old BMW: faded paint, a little rust, but still handsome. It isn’t currently registered, and here in the Portland area it would still have to pass a smog test before you could get plates for it – which would also require you to fix the exhaust.
1985 Audi 5000S – $2,400
Engine/drivetrain: 2.2 liter overhead cam inline 5, five-speed manual, FWD
Location: Portland, OR
Odometer reading: 260,000 miles
Runs/drives? Yep
This car I know well. My parents owned three of them when I was a teenager; I drove one to prom. I hit 120 mph on Interstate 39 in northern Illinois in another one. The Audi 5000 (100/200 in Europe) was a big hit in America, until 60 Minutes came out with their “exposé” on claims of unintended acceleration, and staged a “demonstration” with a rigged car. I just want to go on record as saying that every bit of acceleration I performed in my family’s Audis – all automatics, two of them turbos – however sudden it may have been, was completely intentional.
This 5000 was never a part of the unintended acceleration scandal, nor the resulting recalls to install “safety devices,” because it’s a manual. Mind you, it’s neither a turbo nor a Quattro, so forget any ideas about turning it into some half-assed rally car. This one is meant for eating up Autobahn (or Interstate) kilometers (or miles) quickly and smoothly. And this car has eaten a lot of them – it has 260,000 miles on its odometer. It’s in good condition for all that, and the seller says it runs well and everything works. Like the BMW, this one has also lost its muffler to foolishness. Yes, the Audi five sounds great at full song, but this isn’t Michele Mouton‘s rally ride – it’s a classy sedan. Put a damn muffler back on it.
I’m not surprised this car looks as clean as it does. After suffering disastrous rust problems with earlier models, Audi fully galvanized the entire body of this generation of 5000, and it made a massive difference in rustproofing. In fact, I don’t recall ever seeing one of these cars rusty, even in junkyards. And that, sadly, is where a lot of them are these days. Audi has more or less disowned their ’80s models, from what I have read, and parts are getting hard to come by. Basic stuff seems to be available, but you’ll be hunting for more specialized bits.
For now, at least, this one doesn’t need much. The seller notes that it will need brake pads soon, but that’s about it. Honestly, I kind of want to contact this seller just to test drive this car, to see if it’s as nice as I remember, but I can’t buy it, so I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.
BMW and Audi’s modern cars are technological wonders, and astounding performers. But they’ve gotten so complicated and fragile that I can’t imagine them being worth owning in 40 years, and I think – especially for the prices – these two are. Either one will need a little tinkering, and neither will ever be as rock-solid reliable as something like a Camry. But they’re both a hell of a lot more interesting to drive. All that’s left for you to do is decide – low-revving six, or front-wheel-drive five?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
The Audi because the BMW looks like there’s been more foolishness in it’s past besides the muffler.
I’m generally a BMW guy, but I don’t think this is the one you want. The ETA M20 makes for a pretty dull powertrain, and since the cosmetics are so rough, it’s not an ideal candidate for a swap.
Audi, this time, anyway.
The Audi does look a little nicer than the BMW, but I think the Bimmer is good for the price and I like the styling more. Maybe not a dream model, but with a little effort, it could be a keeper.
That Audi appears to be in astonishing condition for its age, but RWD>FWD, so BMW.
I daily’ed an E28 BMW (84 533i) for a couple of years in the 90s. I would absolutely choose the 528e on offer here. Sure, it’s not the tire-smoking highway rocket the 533i was, but the driving position, thin A-pillars and massive greenhouse make the cockpit of this 528e a really pleasant place to be, especially since the emissions-hobbled 528e will take a bit longer to get where you’re going.
These days for the price, you can’t go wrong with either. BMW just speaks to me a little more. I would take either without much question.
I feel like the responsible thing to do is choose the Audi, so I did. The BMW needs some love, and maybe get rid of the red seats.
NO!! I love the red seats and door cards, they almost swayed it for me. I’m just not sure of the rest of the package. Never been a big fan of this generation.
Audi looks less ruined than the BMW.
Also, I owned (a 1988) one 10+ years ago, and it drove wonderful, silent and fast, even with 300K miles on it.
Boy that Audi looks clean. Neighbor had one when I was a kid in the ’80s, really liked the clean looks and minimalist interior compared to the Detroit iron of the time. Just looks more modern than the Bimmer.
The 5000 is one of my favorite cars of all time, I even owned one for a couple of years. On the super slab, that little 5 will purr all day long and climb mountain grades without downshifting.
This one is really clean and looks beautiful. The BMW has too much “hold my beer”.
Audi all day.
Tangentially, Mark’s theme brings to mind the kinda strangeness of the current vogue for making luxury cars sound like clapped-out racers.
Esp as it’s now not uncommon to see this done on very nice current or near-current examples.
It used to be rare for say a Mercedes sedan to sound like a NASCAR racer, as the owner profile would have been very different. What goes through the mind of the current owners who do this?
Is it b/c in their mind, it’s the best of both worlds, nice leather interior and vrrooom vrrooom?
“Is it b/c in their mind, it’s the best of both worlds, nice leather interior and vrrooom vrrooom?”
Its b/c that’s ALL that’s in there.
I always wonder how people that stupid can get the scratch to buy some of these cars.
I have to go BMW, the e28 is probably my favorite 5-series generation, and even with just how rough this one is, they drive extremely well and I expect an appreciation in value soon that the Audi can’t match. Shark Nose BMW all the way
I mean, shark nose ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Man that Audi is very nice – had to go with it. I think it’s one of the better deals recently featured on this column.
Honestly I would take either one, but my girlfriend in the late 90s drove the VW-labeled Audi 4000 (5MT). Been married for over 25 years now. I’ll take the Audi.
Eh, non-performance BMW. But, it’s rwd, 5-speed—and the red seats clinched it for me. Ever since I looked after a Morris Minor convertible with oxblood red interior, I’ve wanted seats like that
That little “e” after the 528 seals the deal. Audi all the way.
It’s begging for an ev conversion
I’ve got a beat up 1980 320i (e21) that has 206,000 on the original M10 engine. As soon as something critical breaks that I can’t fix with silicone tape or bubble gum, I’m converting it to electric. My current bet is on the plastic fuel injection lines from the fuel distributor to the injectors… (Bosch CIS fuel injection).
Maybe the Audi is better in the “Slow car fast” category but the BMW would actually be the faster car with even with the neutered “e” 2.7l. Those Audis are pretty gutless without the turbo.
I really like ’80s BMWs, but I have to go with the Audi based on condition. The Audi is very clean. Someone clearly treated this car well (aside from the jabroni that removed the muffler, of course).
I can see why someone would pick the BMW, though. Rear wheel drive is fun, pre-Bangle BMWs are great looking cars, and the red seats are awesome. It is a solid buy at $2,000, even if the Audi is even better buy at $2,400.
I’ve always thought that Audis looked good. Maybe not the coolest looking cars but always handsome. It also looks better cared for than the BMW. While I’m sure I’d end up regretting either purchase I’m voting Audi this time.
I could really use the proceeds from a fraudulent lawsuit right now, so Audi it is.
I’ll take both thank you.
And it’s from Happy Valley (BMW), what could go wrong?
I was all set to take the BMW, with some service completed and the style being as iconic as it is, it kind of looked like a steal, but the “no tags/plates” thing makes me think also no title. so yeah it is not that cool.
Plus I could take back the phrase ” I am Audi 5000″ as I leave places again.
My bellybutton is like American open wheel racing. My wife’s is like a German AWD sedan.
I have and Indy, she has an Audi.
I’m so sorry…
I voted for the BMW, but it was hard. RWD put it over the top, along with the red seats.
My uncle loved that generation of Audi. He bought them cheap from people freaked out by the 60 Minutes hatchet job, and he drove them all over West Texas. The deserted desert highways out there were a suitable stand-in for the autobahn. Light police presence made autobahn speeds possible, and his Audis regularly saw triple digits.
This is a really tough one because I love both of these cars. If they were in comparable condition the 5 series would be a slam dunk for me because of the rear wheel drive set up, but the Audi looks like it’s been much better cared for over the years despite its higher mileage. I wouldn’t want to daily either of them but they’d each make for fun project cars to take to Cars and Coffee.
I guess I’ll go 5 series but really I could go either way. Also, I too drove an Audi to pick up me and my friend’s dates for prom once. It was my dad’s A6, which I believe was an 05 or 06. It had the 3.2 liter V6 and was a strange color combination of a metallic dark purple over an orange-ey leather interior. He’s usually all black all the time when it comes to cars but he bought it off a friend of his at a discount so he couldn’t really choose.
It was a cool car in retrospect, but teenage me found the driving experience to be a bit overwhelming. It was really hyperactive and the brakes were an on/off switch, which is one of my biggest complaints with German cars in general. I like progressive brakes, not manic ones.
Audi certainly looks nicer, but RWD FTW! And I have heard so many amazing things about the handling of the BMWs from this era that I have to experience it at some point.