You know that Maslow’s Hirearchy of Needs thing? It’s kind of like the food pyramid, only it has to do with the fundamental needs of being a human. I don’t feel like looking it up, but I’m going to assume the crucial needs are eating and driving. Driving and eating! The two most important things in life, and, tragically, some of the least compatible. We here at Autopian Labs (our R&D department here at The Autopian) understand that this is a problem that needs solving, and solving problems exactly what we do here. This time, the problem is determining just which foods are best to eat while driving — something we’ll have to do by incorporating hard, empirical testing. You want driving food answers? Of course you do, and we got ’em.
We documented the entire process here, so I suggest you stop whatever meaningless crap you’re doing immediately – that means let the fire burn or let that patient just wait another 20 minutes or so for those lungs or keep circling that airport, because this is important:
As you watch, if you need a breakdown of the testing methods and foods tested, I’m happy to provide all that for you.
For the test procedure, we used the Autopian Test Vehicle — a 2006 Scion xB with a five-speed manual transmission — as our test platform. By using a manual transmission car, we were able to provide the most demanding eating-while-driving use case, as both hands are required for driving operation. This way, whatever works well in this context can be certain to work well in an automatic transmission vehicle.
The driving test course included crucial driving elements such as: a three-point turn, a slalom, an emergency handbrake stop, and entering and backing out of a parking spot (along with the usual set of turning, accelerating, shifting gears, and stopping). The driving course was designed with the input from scientists at the National Mobile Food Consumption Coalition, a splinter faction of the SCCA, and input from the American Council of Churches.
The American Dental Association requires us to note they had no formal participation in this project.
The set of metrics that determined a food’s drivable edibility are shown below, and were developed by the most advanced AI capable of running on a 16K Radio Shack TRS-80 Model 100:
Containability: How well the food remains contained and together Residue Factor: The level of residue, either of the sauce or crumb variety, produced by the food Focus: How much attention does the food demand be taken from the driving task to eat Cleanup: How messy was the aftermath of consumption
Flavor and affordability were factored in as needed as tie-breaking or additional criteria.
The foods tested by David and myself were as follows:
Cold Pizza Chipotle Chicken Burrito Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supreme Panera Broccoli and Cheese Soup Bread Bowl McDonald's Cheeseburger Olive Garden Lasagna Big Calzone Biryani Coney Island Chilidog Panda Express Chow Mein (with chopsticks) Bonus: McDonald's McNuggets
The foods were selected for widespread availability, and we were careful to ensure a wide variety of food types. None have been specifically engineered for driving and eating use, and no organizations provided the food nor exerted any sort of pressure on us to rate a given food higher or lower, despite repeated attempts by agents of the National Lasagna Council. You know we don’t play like that, NLC! So call off your goons!
We hope this experiment proves helpful to you in your future drivedining adventures. We also hope this will be a call to arms to America’s food producers as they realize that the state of drive-edible foods is in crisis. Options are limited, and, in many cases, actually dangerous.
Autopian Labs will continue to provide these sorts of research projects to aid the collective good of humankind as a Driving Species.
You’re welcome.
First you teach cave men to drive, then you give them food.
Not surprising a vehicle was ruined in this test.
These are the kind of people you feed on the patio, you don’t want them in your house.
This is the worst episode of Mythbusters I’ve ever seen.
Seriously though, you guys need some driving lessons from Undercover Brother: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoXiuZFMoco
for your next piece, please come up with a sun shine allowance guide for convertibles. summer’s coming and a lot of potential new convertible owners.
Loved the humor. A fun watch before bed. You two just have something … naturally … whatever that is. Mercedes’ comments after iced the cake.
So a Tyvek suit for eating in the car but not for attacking a lead filled box with a Chainsaw?
Fun fact; what Detroiters call a “Coney Island dog” is a “Michigan” in Vermont and the Adirondack region of NY state.
Now repeat this experiment in a right hand drive car!
Makes we want to upgrade my membership to Velour!
Looking forward to the followup piece, “Best Places To Take A Monster Dump While Driving.”
Number one is Bucc-Ee’s, but the rest? I’d like to know.
Oh man, I’ve written about this at a former outlet.
Buc-ee’s is amateur hour. Clean, but maddeningly full of tourists. I do not want to fight a crowd when I’m about to unleash a torrent of the worst travel-food-and-caffeine-fueled dookie known to man. It’s jumped the damn shark with Alabamans doing TikToks of them “exploring the Bussey’s” or whatever. I passed a “Do It For The Gram” Buc-ee’s billboard the other day, and nope: this is the point where it officially jumped the shark.
Guys, it’s just big. I am from the state that birthed Buc-ee’s and its big dumb quest for bIgGeSt StAtIoN eVeR Guinness records, and…it’s just big. Reliably okay. Conveniently located, if I have to go to San Antonio or New Braunfels. Stop looking at it like it’s anything more than “just a big gas station with a big store, clean poopers and okay food.”
(Also, they do kolaches wrong? The dough is just not right. Not flaky enough. The flakiness—as opposed to crumbliness—is what gives kolaches a pass as the one food I’ll eat while driving. I have the same beef with Slovacek’s, FWIW, which is basically one of West’s main sausage providers trying to open its own version of Buc-ee’s. Apparently you can nail the dough or go for scale, but not both. But I digress.)
I still always aim for a coffee shop when I need to do war crimes to a toilet. Ain’t no way little Parker, Jordan and Kayelynne are going to put up with errant turds or crowds at their mid-week Bible study. The snacks are usually decent quality, the bathrooms are usually pretty clean to “make it so Karen doesn’t complain after too many oversweetened chai abominations” standards, and the crowds are far smaller.
The Buc-ee’s are definitely getting to touristy and busy but I’ll still stop at them since they’re the halfway point to San Antonio or D/FW for me.
Still, every now and then I find myself jonesing for their bohemian garlic jerkey and find myself driving to the one in Waller or Baytown.
I gotta hand it to ’em, they’ve done very well at identifying the absolute middle of nowhere where you need a toilet and some gas. The last one I passed when I was out on the Lemons Rally was so slammed, though, that we just opted to roll right past to the next available station. Ain’t nobody got time for a Buc-ee’s at Peak Tourist Hell Levels.
I agree. The place is like an angry ant hill when it’s busy.
If you have to eat while driving, you might wanna loosen up your schedule.
I’ve got no problem with snacks in the car, but a full meal? You’re booking yourself too tight. Might wanna pick up some Montana brochures or something…
For reals. Getting hungry is a good indication that it’s about time to stop and rest.
(Also, MY CAR IS NOT A DINING ROOM THAT’S HOW YOU GET ANTS!!)
Ants, motivating people to keep things clean since forever.
They’re like little cheerleaders for obsessive people.
Thanks lil buddies.
I’m betting Autopian Labs is in the same neighborhood as Muppet Labs.
In an RV and an Aztec parked in roughly the same neigbhourhood
At least they didn’t do it in the Changli after the battery extraction.
My only criticism would be the the parameters of the test. Nobody eats while moving in a parking lot or a close quarter situation. I get the bit (and I laughed at some of it).
I unabashedly have enjoyed a MickeyD cheeseburger or two whilst on a long road trip, with cruise control on, on a freeway. With fries.
You didn’t show before and after control drives through the course with no food at all. Without that how do we, your peer reviewers, know you both simply don’t totally suck at driving?
Also since you didn’t clean the car between tests we don’t really know how much of which mess came from each food. On a screen splatters of cheese and broccoli soup looks a lot like splattered biryani white sauce.
I’m sorry to say without those changes what you’ve got is 100% “science”. Now back to the lab bench with you two!
(Also remind me to never buy a used Autopian test vehicle, no matter HOW cheap it is).
Guys, you need to consult with me on these pseudo-scientific studies before you go all bohemian.
First of all – you omitted pretty much all gas station roller food:
Then you omitted the best stuff sold at the premium truck/car stops:
Then you skipped over the most entertaining options:
I expect a part II next week.
Also – Just noticed the burrito was Chipotle. That’s disallowed. Chipotle burritos don’t hold together under the most optimal conditions.
Neither will your bowels afterward.
They treat Salmonella, E. Coli and Norovirus like they are spices there.
LOL. “Chipotlaway” for soiled shorts is still one of the all-time best gags to come out of “South Park.”
You definitely don’t want soiled shorts.
That’s how you get ants in your pants.
My favorite way to eat Chipotle burritos is while walking, so I don’t have to worry about all the bits that fall out.
My favorite way to eat Chipotle burritos is at the beach apparently, surrounded by seagulls.
Because if I’m eating a Chipotle burrito, I’m usually doing so in a nightmare.
No spaghetti? Or is that only for showers?
Of course DT already knew to wear the baseball cap to keep the hood of the Tyvek suit out of his eyes. 🙂
I have to ask if either of you have driven a manual before? I tend to doubt it.
1. Cold pizza but hot soup? Soup works it is the planning. Soup in a cup for Jason a sippy cup.
2. Calzone is great but you slice it like a pizza before starting out.
3. Not my food group but dressing lije nugget sauce or ketchup you make a slit in the package and suck out a bit with each bite.
4. Chinese food you go finger food buffet, egg roll spring roll, chicken wings, anything on a stick stuffed mushrooms, all kinds of things.
5. Hey ask mom, a 3 yr old can feed themselves cheerios with less mess than you two.
6. Cookies, crackers, lunchables, slim jims. Avoid sauces and liquids.
7. Video guy was right nothing showing the actual driving which tended to vary.
8. The final test it would have been funny shower spaghetti and fake accident spaghetti on inside of windshield.
9. Show a test where the vehicle is on a flat bed.
10. Show the final mess talk about how hard it will be to clean and then assign cleaning to an intern while you two walk away into the marvelous sunset.
Torch is a goddam laugh riot! Did he not know the course wasn’t timed?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJtxMnvY3_4
Easily the best 17:48 of my day!
Having a bad day huh?
I hope it gets better.
Pancakes. McDonald’s sells them at the drive thru.
Sausage wrapped in pancakes.
*WARNING*
This video has been identified to potentially trigger people with Misophonia, and may lead to loss of appetite.
Viewer discretion is advised.
On the opposite end, I’m betting at least one of you is a real hardass about never eating in the car.
Maybe resident suspension engineer Huibert? Or maybe he knows exactly which cars are the most stable to eat in?
I don’t know if I count as a member yet but I will kick you out of my car WHILE IT DRIVES if you try and stuff your mouth in it.
Nervously raises hand
I will eat in a shitbox, but if I consider it a bucket list car then I will only drink in there, and the drink will be like water or something.
Not even in the shitbox Clio and there ain’t no “or something” allowed in my book! Water is tolerated, but it’s on thin ice so it better behave!
YOU’RE ALL BANNED FROM MY CAR, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU COMMENTING ABOUT FOODS TO EAT
EVEN THE 411! THE VW HAS SUFFERED ENOUGH!!!!!
YOU CAN EAT OUT OF THE CAR OR YOU CAN WALK
ABSOLUTELY NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, SAID WHILE YELLING AT THE SCREEN, TYPED IN ALL CAPS
Are there ants on your keyboard, and you’re trying to smash them?
No ants. My keyboard is not a dining table, either.
(I learned that hard lesson in college. *vomit*)
That’s good. I was worried that there might be ants on your keyboard.
I knew there was a reason I followed you guys over from the Other Place…