Good morning, and welcome back to another week of crappy cars for sale! On Friday, I warned you about a car that our own Mercedes Streeter found for sale that was so awful that I would have to hunt high and low to find its equal. Did I succeed? We’ll find out in a minute.
Friday’s runoff had you imagining a future in which gas cars were a novelty, and you had to choose one to buy from an imaginary estate sale. And, wonder of wonders, our emissary to whatever Autopians remain fifty years in the future is… a Dodge Shadow. I can’t tell you how delighted I am.
Yes, I realize it wasn’t the “best,” just the “least bad.” Whatever. I’ll take it. Not that I need validation about my terrible taste in cars, but sometimes it is nice to see that I can, in fact, find something even worse.
Once in a while, however, I come across a car so awful, one that has been so badly mistreated, that it haunts my thoughts. Last week, Mercedes posted a link to what purported to be a Porsche Boxster for sale, posing the question, “Is this the worst Boxster in the world?” Man, I sure hope so. I simply had to show it to you all. I mean, when you were a kid and you found a dead mouse rotting away on the side of the road on your way to school, did you keep it to yourself? Of course not! You showed your friends, so you could all share in the horror.
But what to put up against it? There had to be another once-nice car, rendered useless and hideous by abuse and neglect, worthy of competing against this abomination of a Porsche. I found one, not far from here. And of course, it’s a derelict Jaguar. Here we go.
1999 Porsche Boxster – $1,700
Engine/drivetrain: 2.5 liter overhead cam flat 6, five-speed automatic, RWD
Location: St. Louis, MO
Odometer reading: 105,000 miles
Operational status: Not running, has bad fuel pump
The idea of an “entry level” Porsche has been upsetting to the marque’s snobs ever since the 914. But I’ve always liked Porsche’s cheaper rides, so when the Boxster came out, I was really excited. I got a chance to drive one early on, and thoroughly enjoyed it – even though I was afraid for a minute that I broke it; it was my first experience with traction control. It’s a delightful little car to drive, and I’m actually a little envious of our Canadian pal Thomas Hundal and his screaming-yellow Boxster.
The typical advice when shopping for a classic sports car is “Buy the best one you can afford.” Fixer-uppers almost always cost more in the end than just getting a decent one to begin with. What does that say about this car? If this is the best Porsche Boxster you can afford, you can’t afford a Porsche Boxster. This thing is screwed six ways to Sunday. The exterior is several different colors, the interior is a wasteland, it doesn’t run due to a bad fuel pump, and to make matters worse, it’s an automatic.
And I don’t even want to know what happened to the roof. Is it melted? Was there a fire? Or did someone vandalize it after it became beached in this parking lot alongside an abandoned sofa and a Dumpster? The seller is fantastically unhelpful in explaining this car’s current condition. They only say it has a faulty fuel pump, but a new battery. Fuel pump replacement doesn’t sound too hard on these; it’s accessible under the battery tray. Will that actually fix the problem and put this ugly duckling back on the road? Who knows?
If you could get it going again, what would you do with it? It’s ugly as sin, I’m guessing half the stuff inside doesn’t work, and the trouble with cheap Porsches is that the parts are just as expensive as they are for high-end Porsches. You could just embrace the post-apocalyptic vibe, I suppose.
1983 Jaguar XJ-S HE – $2,000
Engine/drivetrain: Overhead valve V8 of unknown displacement, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Molalla, OR
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: Hasn’t run in years
Old Jaguars seem to fall into one of two categories: Fully restored and beautiful, or “ran when parked” a decade or so ago. Dealing in the price range which we do in this column, we aren’t going to see any of the pretty restored ones. Usually I find XJ6 sedans in this condition for this price; an XJ-S coupe is kind of a treat.
Sadly, this particular XJ-S has been deprived of its most intriguing feature: Jaguar’s 5.3 liter “High Efficiency” V12 engine. In its place is a Chevrolet small-block V8 of some sort. The seller has no idea what size or age it is; it has an HEI distributor and a ’70s-style air conditioning compressor, so I’d imagine it’s a 305 or a 350 from the late ’70s. It has some sort of double-pumper four-barrel carb in place of the standard GM Quadrajet, and some snazzy Edelbrock finned valve covers. The seller says it ran when they bought it, but it has been sitting in a barn untouched for several years, so who knows what kind of shape it’s in now?
The condition of the Jaguar bits is even less certain. The interior is a mess; at the very least the front seats will need reupholstering. Clearcoat is flaking off the outside. Oh, and it has a rebuilt title too, for an unknown reason.
The photographs show this car in “as-found” condition, dirt, moss, cobwebs, and all. It’s hard to really assess its condition under all that gunk; a good thorough cleaning would give you a better idea what you’re dealing with. Of course, by then, you’ve already spent your money.
I know a lot of you are going to turn up your nose at both of these, and I expect a lot of calls for a “Neither” option in the poll. But no such luck; just play the silly game and pick one. We’ll look at some less hopeless cars tomorrow.
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
Ideally I’d get neither, as the tiptronic isn’t suited for a stripped out Boxster and the Jaguar isn’t a good fit for anything less stylish than a full restoration, but if forced to pick it has to be the Box.
Both engines could be fixed or junked, there’s no safe bet there, maybe the Jaguar would be a bit cheaper to get parts for, but let’s talk about everything else.
For the Boxster, I can imagine a lot of half-restoration options as a fun driving car, just scrub down all the hard plastic trim, pull the carpets and replace the top for an ugly but fun thing with a complete christmas tree on the dash, but the Jag can only be either a Gambler/Lemons jalopy with a cage or a full rotisserie restoration to sort the rust out.
The Boxster was fully hot-dip galvanized and THICKLY painted in Finland, while the Jag was put together with Soviet steel and half-assedly sprayed 40 years ago. I would expect to drill out every bolt under that Jaguar, but would be surprised if the Boxster didn’t fully come apart with PB Blaster and a ratchet set.
The main advantage of the Jag is that the electrical system is likely in better shape due to the Porsche’s interior being exposed to rain. I’d hate to be the one replacing the DME and myriad microswitches in that Porsche.
I wouldn’t honestly touch either unless I was going to fully strip the Boxster, maybe a track car or topless speedster for a one-armed racer who physically can’t operate a manual transmission, it’s perfect because the tiptronic shifts via rocker switches on either side of the wheel and can therefore be used one-handed in “manual” mode. Does anyone know anyone whose racing career got tragically ended when a gar-fishing trip ended with their hand (and wristwatch) inside a vindictive fish that chases them around making tick-tock noises?
This may be slightly biased as I bought a manual 1998 Boxster 2 days ago, and am quite fond of Crucible Coachworks’ Project Jigsaw.
OMG! Today’s contest really lives up to its name! I JUST CAN’T!
This is on par with you must choose. You fall and break your leg, full on bone sticking out your thigh. A German Shepard comes along and starts gnawing on the bone, OR you can choose to sneak up behind a friend who is weed whacking and you startle them, they turn and shove the business end into your face and dig out your eye balls.
Yes, Your choices reminded of THAT!!! This is what I come here for baby!
I’ll go with the Jag on this one. The SBC conversion is already done so the vacuum nightmare and overheating issues of the HE V12 is already dealt with. The SB should be reasonably easy/cheap to get running assuming it still turns over at all. Also I have a soft spot (probably between my ears) for old Jags. I still want a XJS for a weekend car, although preferably a cleaner one than this.
The Porsche is hole to pour money (lots of it) into at this point. Just too far gone for anything besides parting out. A new top alone is probably close to the ask for the whole car.
I agree. the V12s were a nightmare of duplicative bits to break.
Great job Mark! Oh the humanity. I picked the Porsche but I don’t think I’d go near either. Maybe the Boxster’s roof was an attempt at turning it into a Targa. ‘And “just a fuel pump” because the prior one caused a fire!
I think for a soundtrack for either would have to include “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” and “The End” by the Doors.
Definitely taking the Jaaaaaaag on this one – that boxster has seen an engine fire that was bad enough to melt the rear fascia, quarter panel, and likely spout flames out the side intake to melt part of the top too… Sure, maybe all that was fuel-related, but I doubt the fuel pump is the last part of the job there required to have a runner. I’d fully expect lots of other damage from the fire – oil, coolant and trans lines, gaskets, ancillary plastic or rubber bits, the suspension in that corner at least… not sure you’ll have anything too salvagable to hope to re-sell and get some money back out of it.
The best choice here is to walk, but at least the Jaaaaaggg…has been started down the proper path to redemption, so electrical nightmare wins. We all lose.
The Porsche would be an even worse electrical nightmare, it’s been sitting outside with a ripped top and the body module/immobilizer is under the driver’s seat, right where rain might pool up.
Pretty sure both cars will need to be given away. Yuck.
This column is great as source of mental torment.
I’d go Jagrolet, if the engine is not seized it’ll be a runner on the weekend.
Will it drive 2,000 miles home? I don’t feel that lucky. (-;
I wouldn’t mind a parts car, so I’m going Boxster.
The problem is I wouldn’t want to ruin my tools taking it apart.
This was my thought. Is that a decent price for a parts Boxster? I wouldn’t know. Also i guess you’d want to have at least some idea of what parts might actually be usable on that thing.
I went with the Jag, as it seems to be the easier to get back on the road (easier being a relative term here). I guess the Porsche could be a good Lemons candidate, but given its condition it would likely spend most of the time broken, as some new problem rears its head. By the time you got the Boxster running consistently and reliably, you’ll have spent enough money to have bought a nicer one to begin with.
Would not buy either, but I chose the boxter, because there is probably $1700 worth of parts there including scrap value.
What are the sellers smoking? The prices have to be what they are paying me to pick them up and dispose of them. Right???
Ugh. I loved the looks of those jags. Gut it. Ev conversion. I guess.
“Just a bad fuel pump,” yeah I’ve played that game before and lost. It’s actually code for engine, and/or trans is totally fucked and you can’t start it to find out. I vote for last week’s rx7.
I’m too horrified to vote. It is like picking between St. Bernard poop and Great Dane poop. Either way, you will end up with a massive pile of dog$#!%
Jaaaaaag. Find a fresh Chevy small block, pipe it to a trunk-mounted fuel cell, rip tires. Repeat.
I could maybe overlook a small thing such as a fire for a cheap Porsche Boxster, but one with an automatic? Uh, no.
I feel the Jaaaaaaaagggg is the easy choice here. It’s already ruined by the engine swap, but at least it’s with something that’s easy to work on with cheap parts. Could be up and running with minimal hassle, won’t ever be refined but that’s not what you bought a sub 2k Jaaaaaaaaaaggggg for.
The Boxter on the other hand is a very special kind of fucked. My wallet has run screaming just looking at it.
Jag, as I want to be the first person who causes an engine fire to burn the car, not the second like the Porsche.
Boxter “Operational status: Not running, has bad fuel pump”
Response: Yeah, that’s it. That’s the problem here….
I would pick the Boxster. I am a mechanically inept oaf so there is probably a 97% chance it would never run again if I bought it. But it looks like it would be fun to take apart, and I would not feel bad if I couldn’t get it back together.
Also, I have seen worse Jaguars, but I don’t think I have seen a worse Boxster. On some level it would be fun to drive the undisputed jankiest Boxster in the world. That car is so bad that lousiness has transitioned from a bug to a feature.
Jag, as it hasn’t been on fire yet, at least.
Wow, this is an awesome comment…so funny!
Awww, thanks 🙂
Jag, Get the SBC running (or ditch it for another). Screw originality, lean into it and make it your own. Clean the interior plastics, install junkyard seats. I think and cleaning and cheap paint would go far on this car, the trim we see looks intact and decent. You could have a cool runner.
The correct answer is certainly neither, but I will play the game and pick the Jag. I respectfully disagree that the Porsche is closer to running. Few engines are easier to get running than a carbureted small block Chevy. I picked the Jag for that reason.
In reality, I’d rather have an e-bike.
I voted Jag, I’ve seen Boxsters in that condition and there’s just no coming back from that. I want nothing to do with either tbh, but my hand has yet to be bitten by a kitty, so I’m not as afraid.
Wasn’t the 912 (1965) the first entry level Porsche, not the 914 (1970)?