Good morning, and welcome back to another week of crappy cars for sale! On Friday, I warned you about a car that our own Mercedes Streeter found for sale that was so awful that I would have to hunt high and low to find its equal. Did I succeed? We’ll find out in a minute.
Friday’s runoff had you imagining a future in which gas cars were a novelty, and you had to choose one to buy from an imaginary estate sale. And, wonder of wonders, our emissary to whatever Autopians remain fifty years in the future is… a Dodge Shadow. I can’t tell you how delighted I am.
Yes, I realize it wasn’t the “best,” just the “least bad.” Whatever. I’ll take it. Not that I need validation about my terrible taste in cars, but sometimes it is nice to see that I can, in fact, find something even worse.
Once in a while, however, I come across a car so awful, one that has been so badly mistreated, that it haunts my thoughts. Last week, Mercedes posted a link to what purported to be a Porsche Boxster for sale, posing the question, “Is this the worst Boxster in the world?” Man, I sure hope so. I simply had to show it to you all. I mean, when you were a kid and you found a dead mouse rotting away on the side of the road on your way to school, did you keep it to yourself? Of course not! You showed your friends, so you could all share in the horror.
But what to put up against it? There had to be another once-nice car, rendered useless and hideous by abuse and neglect, worthy of competing against this abomination of a Porsche. I found one, not far from here. And of course, it’s a derelict Jaguar. Here we go.
1999 Porsche Boxster – $1,700
Engine/drivetrain: 2.5 liter overhead cam flat 6, five-speed automatic, RWD
Location: St. Louis, MO
Odometer reading: 105,000 miles
Operational status: Not running, has bad fuel pump
The idea of an “entry level” Porsche has been upsetting to the marque’s snobs ever since the 914. But I’ve always liked Porsche’s cheaper rides, so when the Boxster came out, I was really excited. I got a chance to drive one early on, and thoroughly enjoyed it – even though I was afraid for a minute that I broke it; it was my first experience with traction control. It’s a delightful little car to drive, and I’m actually a little envious of our Canadian pal Thomas Hundal and his screaming-yellow Boxster.
The typical advice when shopping for a classic sports car is “Buy the best one you can afford.” Fixer-uppers almost always cost more in the end than just getting a decent one to begin with. What does that say about this car? If this is the best Porsche Boxster you can afford, you can’t afford a Porsche Boxster. This thing is screwed six ways to Sunday. The exterior is several different colors, the interior is a wasteland, it doesn’t run due to a bad fuel pump, and to make matters worse, it’s an automatic.
And I don’t even want to know what happened to the roof. Is it melted? Was there a fire? Or did someone vandalize it after it became beached in this parking lot alongside an abandoned sofa and a Dumpster? The seller is fantastically unhelpful in explaining this car’s current condition. They only say it has a faulty fuel pump, but a new battery. Fuel pump replacement doesn’t sound too hard on these; it’s accessible under the battery tray. Will that actually fix the problem and put this ugly duckling back on the road? Who knows?
If you could get it going again, what would you do with it? It’s ugly as sin, I’m guessing half the stuff inside doesn’t work, and the trouble with cheap Porsches is that the parts are just as expensive as they are for high-end Porsches. You could just embrace the post-apocalyptic vibe, I suppose.
1983 Jaguar XJ-S HE – $2,000
Engine/drivetrain: Overhead valve V8 of unknown displacement, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Molalla, OR
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: Hasn’t run in years
Old Jaguars seem to fall into one of two categories: Fully restored and beautiful, or “ran when parked” a decade or so ago. Dealing in the price range which we do in this column, we aren’t going to see any of the pretty restored ones. Usually I find XJ6 sedans in this condition for this price; an XJ-S coupe is kind of a treat.
Sadly, this particular XJ-S has been deprived of its most intriguing feature: Jaguar’s 5.3 liter “High Efficiency” V12 engine. In its place is a Chevrolet small-block V8 of some sort. The seller has no idea what size or age it is; it has an HEI distributor and a ’70s-style air conditioning compressor, so I’d imagine it’s a 305 or a 350 from the late ’70s. It has some sort of double-pumper four-barrel carb in place of the standard GM Quadrajet, and some snazzy Edelbrock finned valve covers. The seller says it ran when they bought it, but it has been sitting in a barn untouched for several years, so who knows what kind of shape it’s in now?
The condition of the Jaguar bits is even less certain. The interior is a mess; at the very least the front seats will need reupholstering. Clearcoat is flaking off the outside. Oh, and it has a rebuilt title too, for an unknown reason.
The photographs show this car in “as-found” condition, dirt, moss, cobwebs, and all. It’s hard to really assess its condition under all that gunk; a good thorough cleaning would give you a better idea what you’re dealing with. Of course, by then, you’ve already spent your money.
I know a lot of you are going to turn up your nose at both of these, and I expect a lot of calls for a “Neither” option in the poll. But no such luck; just play the silly game and pick one. We’ll look at some less hopeless cars tomorrow.
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
I’m taking the Kevin Hart on both
(Oh hell no!)
Choosing between two steaming piles of turds is not easy.
Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag!
Not the Jag.
Taking pics of the Jag with fingerprint smudged lens isn’t going to make it any nicer. I’ll take a box of latex gloves, goggles, a gas mask, and the Boxster.
Went with the Jag. . .just looks more like a “complete” car. Add in the notion that it should be easier/cheaper to get a chevy small block up and running.
I don’t care if the Jag is less than 100 miles from my house. I want to make a gambler car out of the Porsche! Put 33’s on that thing, I would have the time of my life! Besides, if the motor in the jag is the gloriously underpowered, best used as a ship’s anchor 305, I definitely don’t want it.
The Jag is over-priced, but for less than a grand I see a hilarious demolition derby car. I wonder if they are open to offers…
The Porsche should be more valuable for a parts car. That’s about all either is good for.
With that said, I must take partial exception to a statement made in the article: “Old Jaguars seem to fall into one of two categories: Fully restored and beautiful, or “ran when parked” a decade or so ago. Dealing in the price range which we do in this column, we aren’t going to see any of the pretty restored ones.”
I agree with the two categories part, but it is not terribly difficult to find the unloved XJ40 code XJs for under $10k and in great shape. I got mine six years ago with 38,000 miles in pristine condition for the princely sum of $5600 and I am virtually certain that it would still bring only 8 or 9 thousand if I sold it today on BaT. You can even find good Series XJs and XJ-S examples without breaking the bank.
Nope.
OMG, just look at that gorgeous patina on that Porsche. And clearly it’s one of the ultra-rare half-harlequin models. To “restore” that with repairs and a repaint would ruin an utter masterpiece.
It is art. I propose we title it “Limp Coxter”
I’d go with the Porsche because it could be a good starting point for a cool toy. You don’t buy either of these to restore them to new, you buy them to “do things” to them. I kind of like the idea of an electrified post apocalyptic safari Boxster myself.
I knew I saw that heap of a Porsche somewhere! I am in the STL area and remember shuddering when checking that out on marketplace several weeks ago. Good lord. That thing is about half-way to being returned to the earth. I imagine snooty raccoons hanging out in it, shitting on the possums hunkered down in that dumpster.
The headline alone made me break out in hives.
My vote goes to the Jag. In the end, it’s a Chevy V8. And there is a lot of affordable support and parts options for that V8. And the transmission is also a GM unit… so that should be better from a parts/service perspective as well.
So my vote goes to the Jag. Clean it up, get some good used front seats, get that SBC running or replace it with another SBC.
I’d totally go for that post-apocalyptic-chic look with the Boxster. It would get turned into a ride fitting for a low-budget Mad Max inspired film.
“I’ll take stupid decisions for 600 Alex.”
Oh, hell, no. Neither of these things. Not even for free. But if you put a gun to my head, I’d choose the Porsche
Rat’s NestBoxster, only because I’d spend less money on it before scrapping it the next day.I would say you’d need a parts car for either of these, but I have a feeling any parts car you get would be nicer than either of these
In all seriousness, who is possibly going to pay $2,000 for that Jaguar? It’s not really collectible nor is it in any kind of shape that will clean up with a weekend of work.
The only way to win this game is not to play.
CAR GAMES – a WOPR of a good time.
Bravo!
Jag-yew-ah (non-rhotic, thank you), as it is immediately usable as a rain shelter should a sudden rain shower come up while you’re out back staring at it in regret. The Boxster is not, and even minimal weatherproofing would seal in enough mold spores to make it a stylish environment threat for your weekend pleasure.
I am not sure even parting out these cars would even make you brake even. I voted for the Jag because there was no option for “neither,you crazy fuck”. I guess the Jag would be cheaper/ easier to get running at least.
Jag. At the very least I can pull the SBC and do something with it.
I really like what these cars used to be but I went Porsche for several reasons.
1.newer so maybe less age issues
2. The story behind it. I mean the top is ruined but has no yellow paint on it. Did they actually buy a new top after his girlfriend caught him cheating and dumped paint on it?
3. Just the fun of getting it running but leave it in the same condition and take it to Porsche meet ups.
I couldn’t run away fast enough from that Porsche, so I voted for the Jag. The SBC is a boon for actually getting it moving again, even if it’ll never be a showcar. It’s still a terrible project, but slightly less terrible than the meth-dealer Porsche.