Welp, it’s up to me to handle this dick-joke edition of Tales From The Slack because Matt is busy enjoying the perks of being a Respected Automotive Journalist and attending Goodwood (which itself sounds like a setup for a dick joke).
Naturally, I tried to get out of it at first. Despite knowing Matt was across the Atlantic, no doubt tired as eff, and certainly busy covering all the cool cars and whatnot at the event, I still asked Matt if he was going to handle (or “down to clown,” I’m so cool) today’s Tales.
You know the guy in your office who does half as much as anyone else but still has the nerve to ask you to handle his TPS reports when you’re clearly slammed? That’s me.
“I think it’s Kyle Larson’s dick.”
I think it’s Kyle Larson’s dick?
What the hell, I wondered. Guess I’m searching dick in the ol’ Slack machine. Not Kyle Larson dick, that’s too many characters. And how many dicks can there be, anyway?
One-hundred forty, it turns out.
I quickly found Kyle Larson’s dick (so to speak), and was pleased to see just how often we at The Autopian are unafraid to call out the dicks of the world as the bellends they are. Or, in my case, I’m ever-wary of accidentally coming off like a dick because my sense of humor can be bone dry. [Upon re-reading, I see I have made some unintentional double entendres. I am leaving them in].
OK, back to the dick action. It began with an invite to interview Celsius Energy-sponsored NASCAR driver AJ Allmendinger. He’s this guy, and you can click the pic to see his page at NASCAR.com if you like:
It would be very funny, I say. And the whole idea should have been instantly familiar to Matt already, given that he was at the very center of what you’d think would be an unforgettable driver-interview moment. Thomas was quick on the draw, though.
I was blissfully unaware of dick in a door, somehow. As was Mercedes, who was understandably wary, being our HR person and all.
OK, so the door-dick situation: If you were expecting some sort of a metaphorical hotdog in a hatch or pickle in a portal, guess again. The dick and door are theoretical, yes, but still quite literal. It’s all about this story from the old place (you can click it to read if you like):
We Asked A NASCAR Rising Star How He’d Prefer His Dick Slammed In A Door
SPOILERS, for anyone opting not to click the link: Kyle’s answer was, somewhat wishy-washily, “I don’t know, go hard I guess.” Now, if I were Kyle’s PR guy, I would have whispered the correct answer in his ear, which would have been “Flaccid, because I don’t want the door to get damaged.” (Related Cybertruck gag here, shared exclusively with Torch, who I somehow decided would be cool with me sending him my crudest jokes. Like this one, which is even grosser.)
Back to AJ Allmendinger. Being Celcius-sponsored and all, we figured it would be best to keep the Qs on-brand. You know, play the game. Get that paper.
… aaaand now we’re talking about AJ’s dinger getting cut, gnarly-ly, by a can of energy drink.
We keep it classy around here.