You know what is one of my all-time favorite ridiculous car accessories? Those fake Rolls-Royce grilles and hoods they used to sell for old air-cooled Volkswagen Beetles. You’d see them in JC Whitney catalogs and other finer automotive publications that catered to the most erudite of motorists. These were genuinely absurd things that were capable of turning your old, rusty Beetle with the mismatched color door into something that pretty much anyone with 20/180 vision would mistake for a genuine, if improbably shrunken, Rolls-Royce, the finest motorcarriage in the world. In hindsight, I’m a bit surprised they never made these for similar cars of the era, like a Porsche 911. And, now that I think about it, with a whole new crop of cars that feature frunks in the world, like Teslas, maybe the time is ripe for a new generation of these things! Let’s explore, just a bit.
First, here’s a little refresher about these things. Look in the upper right corner there, and you can see an example of the VW-Rolls-Royce hood. They also had one that looked like a ’40 Ford, if that’s more your speed:
Here, let’s look closer and see some examples of these incredible things in place:
Dear god, they’re majestic! Plus, they contained a pretty significant hidden advantage: they dramatically increased the volume of a Beetle’s trunk! I’m not sure what percentage of faux-Roller hood buyers made the purchase for coldly pragmatic reasons to gain increased trunk volume, but I bet it was appreciated by at least some of them.
It’s a pretty significant bump up in volume:
It effectively doubles the vertical axis of that trunk by the front there. These were popular in the 1970s; well, maybe “popular” is a bit of a hyperbole, but they were certainly out there, rolling around the streets, spreading rays of weapons-grade class everywhere they went. There were a few other cars out around this time with some generally similar layout and body shape to the old Beetle that could possibly have benefitted from a similar gain in trunk volume from something like this: the Porsche 911.
I’m being serious! Look!
I mean, it makes sense; via the Porsche 356, the 911 was a very advanced evolution of the Beetle’s fundamental design. The 911 lacked the Beetle’s rear luggage well (well, at least if you were insisting on using those nearly vestigial rear seats) so some sort of trunk enhancement might be welcome for 911 owners who liked to go on road trips with 3 passengers (maybe 2 were dogs or kids) and hated leaving anything behind.
Plus, why should the Beetle be the sole beneficiary of bolt-on Rolls-Royce classiness? Just because the Porsche is already a premium car, does that mean it shouldn’t be able to wear the trappings of a car even higher in the stratosphere? Of course not?
I mean, haven’t you ever wondered what a Porsche 911 might look like with a fake Rolls-Royce grille? Of course you have! You’re human! So, here, let’s imagine together:
That’s a hypothetical fiberglass fake Rolls grille on a 1976 Porsche 911 Turbo, and I think it looks good. Damn good. Damn DAMN good. Sure, it kills the aero and probably whistles and shakes like a horny banshee at speeds over 50, but now you can take your big duffel bag with you and both of your St.Bernards!
Could this have existed? For it to exist, we’d have to assume that Porsche owners in the 1970s and 1980s had senses of humor when it came to themselves and their cars, and I’m not sure that’s a safe bet.
That’s also my concern with the possibility of re-introducing the fake Rolls-Royce grille for a modern generation of cars. I think the car that should get this legendary add-on should be one that meets three criteria: 1., is popular enough to be a big enough market, B. Has a strong cult following to market to, and ∂, has a front trunk/frunk that would benefit from the extra volume provided by the larger Rolls-style hood.
And there is a car that fits this perfectly: a Tesla.
Let’s try it on the highest-volume ones, a Model 3 (or Model Y). How would a modern take on the add-on Rolls grille look?
Oh yeah. Perfect! We need to be sure to change the logo and flying lady to some non-actionable things (maybe we use two entwined Bs and the lady is, um, a robot elf or some geeky shit like that to play to the market) but other than that, if we cut the hood to the same shape as the original, we can still use the hinge mounts and the existing weatherstripping! It’s perfect!
Plus, there’d be a pretty substantial increase in frunk volume, especially height, so you can finally cram in two overhead bin-sized bags at a time! At least!
And I bet the worsened aerodynamics will only kill your range by, what, maybe 10 miles? 15 tops.
We’re gonna make a killing selling these – if they catch on, we’ll make them for Model Ses and Kias and Hyundais and Ford Mach-es and everything with a frunk! Rich! We’re gonna be rich! Who’s in?
Maybe those other cars’ owners groups each lack a crucial minimum tackiness that makes the faux-Rolls-look into a business opportunity?
Bucket list: Smoke a joint with Torch and see what he talks about.
You’ll need acid to keep up.
I have never liked the featureless face on pretty much every Tesla, so I have to say this is a vast – unironically VAST – improvement! Good job, Jason!
Speaking on behalf of KV Mini 1 owners everywhere:
https://live.staticflickr.com/7184/6866508661_e857f9ac16_c.jpg
I’m not entirely convinced this kit was ever a big seller:
https://www.france-troc.com/ImgUsers/annonces/2020/05/1003776/m2zg1s5ayx.JPG
It doesn’t help with frunk space, either, as that relocated spare was originally in the passenger footwell anyway.
Might not have sold well, but I would about sprain my thumb showing approval if I ever saw one live
I have always liked the RR hood on VWs. My Fathers boss, the CEO of a regional insurance company had one, complete with the continental kit on the engine cover – shiny black and in mint condition. For one of the wealthiest men in town, he had a great sense of humor.
NGL, I would rock a Rolls 911. It’d be hilarious.
Now do fake Chrysler 300 grilles on cheap Chinese knockoffs for those lacking in ambition.
That Porsche looks better than it should. It’s good you wrote this down, Jason, for future reference.
Now do a 1941 Ford woody wagon kit for the Model 3
The Tesla reminds me of the Mitsuoka Galue: https://www.drivingyourdream.com/uploads/9/6/0/4/96041650/s727078908517165717_p766_i4_w1200.jpeg
And Mitsuoka is now offering models for the Chinese and US market, so maybe convince them to pickup this Tesla idea of yours!
The 911 looks far better than it should and hearing the howls of the faithful would make for great entertainment. As long as it was all reversible I fail to see the problem.
Part of the fun with the OG Beetle is that nobody took them too seriously so it was easy to have some fun doing silly mods and everybody would smile along with you at the goofiness.
The Tesla is absolutely hideous and yet still somehow manages to be more attractive than the Cullinan.
I got to tell you, after the day I’ve had, getting to see these horrible/beautiful images made my day.
At one point in the aughts, I think I finally disposed of any JC Whitney catalogs I had been “collecting” for way too long. No regerts there.
I do, however, still have piles of Hot VWs and VW Trends magazines. Maybe I should dust those off.
Willie Mays Hayes can do the celebrity endorsement
That Porsche is horrifying and amazing at the same time. I love it!
Pretty sure you just caused at least 3 Rennlisters to have strokes without them ever even seeing that picture.
Now you can only get those on BMWs.
You don’t remember the grille caps they used to sell for Cadillacs?
Your Porsche facelift looks more like a 70s Malibu than a Rolls and for some reason I’m getting an Adolph Hitler vibe from the Tesla, but I get your point and second it.
> I’m getting an Adolph Hitler vibe from the Tesla
Dont give elon any ideas.
Who am I kidding, as if he hadn’t thought if it.
The 911 actually looks weirdly decent, and the Tesla version’s a solid idea, but the mockup has quite the overbite. Then again, it’s just another panel gap, right?
I’d like to see a modern Twingo done up this way. You could add a small frunk where Renault didn’t, and make it easier to top up your fluids.
The other rear-engine car out there is a Smart, but that should really have an old school Mercedes grill.
I want one of these on a Prius.
Makes that Tesla look like a Lincoln, just marvelous!
Abraham?
I nominate Chad as the flying lady replacement
https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51MUYCoG+oL._AC_UF1000,1000_QL80_.jpg
I’d recommend this for Wranglers, but it’s possible that I don’t understand.
I love the idea of using these on a Porsche, but that Tesla mock-up is darn ugly.