The truth is that, despite having the honor of planning my friend’s bachelor party, I really had no clue what we were going to do on Saturday until pretty much the day-of. Yes, that’s right: I basically improvised a bachelor party. But it turned out to be an incredible weekend thanks in no small part to a glorious 330,000 mile minivan — the same minivan featured in our April Article “Man Buys Most Reliable Minivan Ever, Takes Annual Photos Of His Children Growing Older In It As It Accrues 330,000 Miles.” Here’s why this machine was so perfect for the job.
I didn’t really think of this weekend as “wholesome” until I showed the following photos to a friend of mine here in California, who apparently shares many Americans’ views on what a typical bachelor party might look like — a raucous, alcohol-fueled rager that places the groom in situations on the very border of what is acceptable for anyone in a serious relationship. No, to me, and to the groom, Brandon (we’re both “squares,” you could argue), this just seemed like a damn fine weekend. And I’m glad, because I kind of had to shoot from the hip, as running this website and traveling to the Detroit Auto Show took up pretty much all of my time.
The first bit of luck that came up clutch was my friend Steve, one of the groomsmen, telling me he had a lakehouse we could use. I’d had no clue where we were going to stay, especially since one of the groomsmen felt it would be silly to spend lots of money on an AirBnB when he lives locally. The second thing that came up clutch was transport; typically, a car journalist would ring up an automaker and ask for a press vehicle, and I’m sure I could have done that. But what’s the point when my friend Jamie has the greatest bachelor-van in human history: the legendary 330,000 mile Mazda MPV?
My colleague Jason Torchinsky picked the van up from Jamie’s house (he was in town for a conference), and was a bit confused about why our press vehicle was a 2004 Mazda MPV whose severe rust was obviously being covered up by a layer of silver paint. In short order, though, he — a fellow enthusiast of hoopties — appreciated the charming, practical, unstoppable, affordable old van, before handing the keys to me for the weekend.
The first activity of bachelor-weekend just sort of landed in my lap after Autopian contributor and enginerd Steve B. told me his friend could give us a tour of the Detroit Historical Society’s semi-secret car collection. This was an unbelievable experience, and one that I’ll be writing about soon; look at all those cars being preserved in those bubbles!
From there, Brandon and I met up with two other groomsmen, and the crew of four headed 60 miles to Toledo, Ohio to meet up with the fourth groomsman and eat at Brandon’s favorite restaurant, Inky’s Italian foods — home of the finest pizza in human history:
Inky’s, noticing the “Team Groom” and “Groom” pins we were each wearing (again, from Steve, the man who always comes in clutch), even gave Brandon a free T-shirt! My old Chrysler intern buddy and soon-to-be-married man and I had been eyeing those shirts for years, but had never pulled the trigger, so this was just awesome.
From there, we headed to a Toledo Mudhens game, where Brandon scored a picture with Muddy:
Brandon, a Willys CJ-2A and MB owner, and I both love Toledo, largely for its Jeep history. Brandon even once threw out the first pitch for the Toledo Mudhens, so suffice it to say that we love hanging out at that ballpark. The Mudhens — a minor league team that acts as a feeder for the Detroit Tigers — crushed the Columbus Clippers five to two.
After the game, we drove the MPV an hour back from Toledo to the lakehouse near Jackson, Michigan. The van was absolutely phenomenal. Power from that 3.0-liter Duratec V6 was plentiful, and the JATCO five-speed automatic made the most of it, keeping revs really low on the highway to the point where I would regularly look down at the speedometer and see almost 90 mph. The thing is just that smooth!
As a bachelor machine, the MPV was perfect. Sure, the passenger’s side sliding door got jammed every now and then, but we had a second door on the other side, and everyone in our crew of five — once through that other opening — had plenty of room to stretch their legs:
The next morning we all piled in and I drove us to a small-town breakfast nook that Steve had recommended:
From there, we were off to a tractor show whose sign we’d noticed the night before on our way to Toledo. The event was epic; check out this old steam tractor from around the turn of the 20th century!
There were actually two such tractors in attendance:
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Watch the 1914 model slice up some wood:
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There was also a swap meet; my friend Steve nearly bought a cheap welder.
The tractors were plentiful and beautiful:
We all loved this “Watch Your Valve Clearance” notice cast right into this old tractor’s engine:
Brandon showed me the John Deere tractor below and introduced me to the “pony engine.” For some reason I hadn’t realized that old tractors used high-revving kerosene engines to start their main diesel engines.
Here’s a look at how such a “pony engine” works; this one’s a V-4 that spins 5,500 RPM!:
That’s right, there was a small V4 engine to start a big engine!
To me, the most fascinating thing I saw was the tractor pulling sled. This is a rather complex trailer that basically moves a heavy “box” filled with — in this case concrete, but sometimes lead — forward as a tractor pulls it. The farther the tractor pulls the sled, the farther farther forward the box moves, placing more weight on the tractor’s rear axle.
The farther a tractor can drive before stalling, the better its score in the Tractor Pull event.
I’ll be writing a bit of a deep-dive into how a Tractor Pull’s pulling sled works at some later point, because it’s fascinating.
After seeing some tractors tow some serious weight, we ate the cheapest lunch ever and then departed the tractor show.
We drove about 25 miles from the show to an apple orchard, as the groom, Brandon, is obsessed with apples and actually plans to grow his own orchard soon.
On the dirt roads out in the country, the Mazda was fantastic. It shrugged off potholes, and once on the highway just hummed along steadily at 80 MPH. I love its visibility, its spaciousness, and its surprising speed. And for it to be so smooth and to feel almost like a brand new van — after 330,000 miles — is just remarkable.
From the orchard it was 50 miles to Full Throttle Adrenaline Park, an electric go-kart track that just so happens to have the most macho name in human history.
We had a great time there; sure, we kinda missed the sound of gasoline kart engines and the prospect of potentially burning our leg on an exhaust pipe, but the electric karts were definitely more responsive. That’s a good thing and a bad thing, as lots of folks found themselves spinning out in the other groups; the result was that we only got two races in. I won the first, but got crushed on the second, as I was stuck behind a slowpoke.
It was 65 miles from that karting place in Novi back to the crib, where Steve, on his new Blackstone barbecue right on the lake, cooked up some meats we’d snagged on the way home. I contributed by boiling up some macaroni and cheese:
After dinner, we made ourselves some drinks, my friend Michael went a bit pyro with the firepit, and Brandon went absolutely apeshit on the s’mores (he is obsessed): 
I was either hung over from cranberry-vodka or I was just really tired, because Brandon had to wake my lazy butt up the next morning, when we ate a delicious breakfast on the lake.
Just as we were finishing dinner, Steve’s neighbor walked over and asked if we wanted to head onto the lake in her pontoon boat. It was a beautiful day, so we took her up on her kind offer:
I’d been a bit concerned about planning this bachelor party, but I’m pumped with how it all came together at the last second. Steve B. came in clutch with the tour of Detroit’s semi-secret car collection, groomsman Steve came in clutch with the lakehouse, Jamie came in clutch with the 330,000 mile Mazda minivan that drives far better than it should, the local town came in clutch with that tractor show, and the neighbor came in clutch with the boat ride.
Was it a rager? No. Would some consider it a bit on the “wholesome” side? Maybe so (I mean, five dudes hanging out at an apple orchard?). But Brandon and I just thought it was a damn fine weekend with good friends. And also with an incredible 330,000 mile minivan that shrugged off 250 miles like they were nothing.
No judgement implied here, your bachelor party sounds just like a weekend Cub Scout excursion I went on in 1966, right down to traveling in a van (VW, in my case). To be honest, could of used Mike Tyson and some tigers. One good thing? The marriage couldn’t help but be more exciting. Good read.
David, the groom is lucky to have you as a friend.
Looks like Jamie upgraded that head unit to a screen unit!? It looks good on it, and that is a car that deserves an upgrade.
I want more info in that screen! Looking to add a screen to a 2010 Outback but overwhelmed by choice paralysis.
Sounds like the perfect Bachelor party. Mine was myself and my 3 best friends- we ate dinner at a chain restaurant (think, Applebees, but not Applebees) and went to an Andrew W.K concert. My fiancé (now wife) played DD and picked us up at midnight when the show ended. It was perfect.
I own a 2001 MPV and it is a fantastic machine, big but small, surprisingly fast, and super reliable! The perfect all purpose backup vehicle for my misfit car collection.
I own a 2004. The best and longest lasting vehicle I have ever had. I’m lucky to be in Sacramento, so no rust. 226k miles, hopefully another 100k to go.
Count me as a fan of the “wholesome” bachelor party. Damaging a relationship or getting arrested/hospitalized right before the wedding sucks. The weekend you all had sounds like quite a lot of fun, and everyone can fess up to the shenanigans without shame. The secret auto museum sounds completely awesome, and caused a little pang of envy.
Does one need to be involved in a wedding to enjoy such a weekend? It sounds ideal!
Any major life event will do. For their followup Jason and David plan to throw Otto the first Bar Mitzvah in the history of Judaism in which the adults are more awkward and dorky than any of the 12/13-year-olds present.
Hey David! If you like old tractors, trains, and that kind of stuff, I’d suggest coming down to the Antiqur Gas and Steam Engine museum in Vista!
Oh that sounds lovely!
Seconded. That’s right in my neck of the woods, and it’s where I got to drive an old Oliver tractor on a random Saturday. Although there’s stuff going on there all the time the last two weekends of October should have a bigger event going.
I went to Detroit once for a bachelor party for a cousin of mine many, many years ago. We went across the border to Windsor to a place called Jasons (i think that was the name of the joint) Good times
That sounds like a pretty awesome time actually. Tractor pulls rule, especially ones that you just stumble upon. The Mudhens suck, go Isotopes!
It used to be that I’d shrug off David’s gushing about modern cars being so comfortable and nice to drive because he was always driving vehicles that should be prohibited from public roads. But now that he’s got the i3 and has experienced several months of the life of ‘just having a normal car that works and doesn’t punish you’, I have to put more weight on this review of the MPV! 😀
That sounds like a lot of fun!
I used to go to an antique machinery show with my dad and my brother. Generally didn’t know exactly what I was looking at, but the other two had worked on farms when they were young men and so they had some knowledge.
There were interesting demos: a sawmill, of course, and a tractor-powered apple press. The press squeezed the juice out of the apples, and the owners bottled it and sold it on-site; they also made cider and apple butter. A steam-powered shuttle carried people around the site.
Dad’s gone now and my brother is several states away but I try to go to the show when I can, mostly to check out the swap meet and to ensure the hit-and-miss engines are still there.
Sounds like the perfect bachelor party for this crew! I’m glad all had fun. May I ask what lake this was? The pictures look great and I’m always looking for new inland lakes to explore near home.
Switching to automotive questions, how’d the head unit work for Android Auto in a 2004 vehicle? Is it an aftermarket install or a tablet running Headunit Reloaded?
I have to say I would absolutely read every article you ever publish geeking out about tractor engineering! If Mercedes can constantly write about RVs and make it interesting, you or whoever wants to can absolutely write more articles about tractors and other agricultural equipment. There’s some really fascinating engineering that goes into them, and a lot of deeply weird specialized tractors out there as well. Also steam vehicles.
And screw the traditional idea of what a bachelor’s party should be, your version is better, and pretty much exactly how I hope mine goes if/when I ever marry someone.
If you ever want to drive a 1952 John Deere 2 cylinder tractor and you are in the Niagara Falls (Canada) area, let me know.
Nice, I have a ‘53 Model 70. Still in active use during hay season.
The first tractor my siblings and I drove as kids was a 730. The lever clutch meant that a 10-11 year old could drive the tractor even if they were too short for a clutch pedal.
Never, ever sleep on a minivan. The single most useful and practical vehicle to ever burn fossil fuel.
This feels like a Hangover sequel where they stage wholesome photos as cover so their significant others do not find out about the REAL bachelor party.
This is great, and I wholeheartedly am excited for your deep dive into pulling sleds. While you’re researching, have a look at pulling sleds built for *pedal* tractor pulls. My daughter has won her age group 2 of the past 3 years at the local antique tractor pull.
Huey Lewis and the News said it’s hip to be square.
Sounds like a great Bachelor party to me. No one had to get bailed out of jail in the morning 🙂
The car for a bachelor party is almost as important as the party itself. For mine my Best Man rented a white transit van we called the space shuttle. I remember toppling over the rear seats into the luggage area while trying to get a drink in traffic, just as I was stepping over the seat my best man hit the gas to send me flying. He did it again after I filled my cup, and riot punch went all over. Great times!
Awww… a wholesome and hearty start to a good life!
Wow, I actually got more of the Mazda MVP content I crave. This place is the best.
One of the underrated aspects of minivan ownership is how awesome they are for hanging out as an adult group. Want to go to a farm brewery for some beers? Only one person needs to take it easy (which we always have one person who’d rather drink lightly). Want to go on a fun trip somewhere as a group? 3 couples fit comfortably in a minivan, with space for plenty of luggage. We’ve only had the van for 6 months, but it’s already performed this function a couple of times. Trips like this are way more fun when the whole group gets to hang out together on the car ride.
I’ve concluded my bachelor party days (I’ve hit that age where all of my friends/family have gotten married or made it clear that’s not happening) and I’ll say, the best ones were simple, cabin in the woods for two nights. The more complicated (and often, expensive) they get, the more stressful they get.
In Hawaii my friends and I used to cram like 16 people into a beat-up Honda Odyssey for every trip… the Odyssey’s owner was the most popular guy in the friend group because he drove us everywhere, every time we wanted to do something fun together.
So yeah, can confirm, minivans are the ultimate go-anywhere do-anything party vehicles. And this is why I still insist there need to be high-performance minivans on the market. I’m tired of the stigma against minivans, they are awesome and do not deserve to be looked down upon.
I’ve got a, wait for it, Nissan Elgrand Highway Star Urban Selection Autech, and it is the greatest hauler of people known to man. It doesn’t do things like fuel economy well, but jam eight people in it, open up the dual sunroofs, crank the music and it is the best party shuttle for grown ups.
It’s known as the Donkey Van, because it is temperamental and just carries stuff, but for a two tonne brick it’s a popular request amongst friends out of my fleet of stupid cars.
Tractor powers sawmill to cut wood to feed into boiler to power tractor
Energy CAN be created. We’ve proven it!
My bachelor party was similarly tame. We played pool, talked, and, since I got married in OKC a month after the bombing, we walked around the rubble of the Murrah building.
My then wife-to-be worked for the US Attorney’s Office back then and was actually working on the prosecution of the bombers, so she didn’t have a bachelorette party.
She’s still my baby 28 years later, so maybe tame bachelor parties are the secret?
The last line is awesome.
Thanks! She’s pretty awesome, too!
Yeah, we just had one for my best friend of 20 years (and ex boss) last weekend – we grilled steaks one night, then hit a couple tiki bars and a crab house the next one and had a bonfire, that was completely it. I offered to hire entertainment if he wanted, but nobody was interested.
I forgot to mention that the vehicle we used to transport the 5 guys at my bachelor party was a 2-door, ’95 Geo Tracker. Bit of a tight fit, but we didn’t have to go far.
Maybe that it’s the attitude that accompanies a tame bachelor party. You’re taking the chance to have a good time with great friends, and using it as an excuse to plan something instead of an ad hoc hangout.
You’re not looking at it as “the last night of freedom” that all the drunken bacchanals come with, which isn’t a healthy attitude to go into a marriage with.