Why Does Everyone Seem To Want Rezvani’s Customers Dead?

Remember Rezvani? They started out making sleekly-rebodied Ariel Atoms way back in 2015, and over the years seem to have migrated into a very different market than making light, exciting track-oriented cars. Now, their entire lineup seems to be cars designed for people who are in constant fear for their lives.

I’m not kidding – out of eight different Rezvani models, half offer some sort of armor and/or “security” features. Plus, the whole reason I’m writing this in the first place is because I got a PR email from Rezvani about their new Arsenal SUV (which seems to be based on the GM platform that underpins the Escalade/Tahoe/Yukon), that “boasts the most advanced composite armor accessible to civilians.” Who is Rezvani’s target buyer, and why do so many people seem to want them dead?

I mean, I get that there are situations that need armored vehicles because the people or stuff inside them are actual targets for violence, for any number of reasons. Heads of state, Brinks trucks full of cash, people who say dumb shit online about things they don’t know about  (you know, like me, when it comes to armored vehicles), celebrities in the telemarketing community, all these types of situations I suspect have plenty of reasons to need armored, high-security vehicles.

But is that who Rezvani is selling these cars to? Look, here’s the Rezvani lineup, with their options for people who think other people want them dead highlighted:

That’s a lot of armored cars. And these names! Arsenal, Vengeance, Tank, Hercules – we get it, Rezvani, you mean business or whatever. I’m going to guess one of the offered weapons isn’t the concept of subtlety. These are armored luxury SUVs, not necessarily targeted at heads of state or deposed royalty or anything like that, just for, I guess, deeply paranoid rich people. Listen to these security and armor features of the new Arsenal:

“ARSENAL offers option of composite armor rated to B6 level.  This level of armor is known for its high resistance and protective capabilities.  This provides protection from assault rifles such as AR15 and AK47 ammunition along with armor piercing rounds. Traditionally, ballistic steel has to be used to achieve this level of protection adding a tremendous mount of weight to the vehicle. However Rezvani’s new advanced composite armor weighs 1/3 the weight of its equivalent steel counterpart while maintaining the same ballistics rating that steel used to provide. This weight savings can equate to over 1,000 lbs of weight. This is the most advanced  armor on a vehicle  offered to civilians.  Arsenal’s composite armor provides a reliable and robust layer of protection, ensuring safety in high-risk situations. Until now composite armor was limited to B4 Level in civilian armored vehicles.”

I mean, this is all impressive. Well, hold on, let me look up what the hell B6 level is because the truth is I don’t really know. I’ve been punched in the face before, a few times, but so far I’ve never had to worry about armor-piercing rounds from anything named for two letters and two numbers, so I’ll admit I’m ignorant. Give me a moment here to educate myself.

Ah! Okay, so to really, really simplify it, it seems that B4 level would protect against being shot at with most types of handguns, while B6 level will also protect against shots fired from rifles and larger weapons like that. So, B4 may be fine if a cowboy is shooting at you with their six-shooter, pardner, but you’ll want B6 if, uh, Rambo crawls out of a manhole with an AK and tries to waste your sorry ass.

Introducing the all new Rezvani Arsenal: featuring the most advanced composite armor available to civilian vehicles rated up to B6. This armor is lightweight yet capable of stopping high caliber and armor piercing rounds up to ballistic level 6. #armoredvehicles #rezvani pic.twitter.com/LJRMB1RmLy

— Rezvani Motors (@RezvaniMotors) June 19, 2024

Again, I’m sure a ton of engineering went into this and yes it’s impressive and all that. Yes, yes, amazing stuff. Rezvani is only making 100 of these, which just makes me even more fascinated about who they’re trying to sell these to. These start at $225,000, so we know it’s rich people. And it’s rich people that aren’t just afraid of, you know, crime, because I think the B4 level of armor would likely handle most opportunistic armed robberies, right? This thing is armored for sniper rifles and AKs, which is a definite step up in the trying to kill you arena.

So, it’s for rich people very convinced that there are people who really, really want them dead. Not just people who want them dead, but maybe whole organizations of people who want them dead, with budgets for weapons and complex plans to attack people while they’re driving around.

Why do these groups want potential Rezvani customers to be so dead? What did the potential Rezvani buyers ever do to them? Are potential Rezvani buyers so loathsome, or do they just, deep down, want to believe they’re so loathsome that people will go to extraordinary lengths to kill them?

I suppose that may be the key here; this could be a status thing. When you get bored with just showing the world how much money you have, where do you go? I guess you go to showing the world that lots of people would love to see you dead? That’s a pretty big flex, I suppose.

The showiness of it all is also why I think these are more about the idea that someone wants you dead instead of the grim reality of that situation. Actual armored vehicles used by people who genuinely might get killed, like this boring-looking Jetta we featured here before, seek to not draw attention to themselves because that’s part of being secure: not being noticed in the first place. That’s very different than what Rezvani is doing.

You can impress the honeys of your preferred gender at the bars by having them guess what you and Archduke Ferdinand have in common – people would love to kill you both! But the difference here is Archduke Ferdinand was a chump who let it happen and started WWI while you’re far more savvy and have a car that can stop a small militia and has supple otter-leather seats.

Rezvani is definitely selling something here, and I don’t really believe it’s protection against AK47 attacks. I mean, are these being sold to Mexican drug cartel people? The cartel guys seem to use much more crude and brutal vehicles than the refined, luxurious machines Rezvani offers, so I don’t think that’s their market. I think it’s the sense of self-importance that comes from the illusion that you’re so important, whole squads of assault rifle-bearing people will be coming at you, at potentially any moment.

This feels like a strange state of mind to be in. But, if there’s 100 people who feel this way, Rezvani will have exactly what they need, so I guess I hope your new Arsenal brings you joy, rich weirdos.

 

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