Have you ever tried to sneak a wet, dripping ham onto an airplane by zip-tying it to a roller skate and then dragging it on a leash and claiming it’s your emotional support pig, assuming that because it’s made of the same stuff as a real pig, nobody would notice? And then the security guard starts asking too many questions so you grab the ham and make a run for it, but they tackle you and you smack your head, hard, into the unforgiving linoleum of the floor, and then while you’re sitting there sobbing, the guard tells you that there’s not even a rule against carrying a ham onto an airplane and you’ve wasted everyone’s time? I guess we all have, at least in God’s eyes. That sense of regret and despair that you’ve felt at that moment, cradling a bruised ham in your arms, as you slowly rock on the floor, that’s not the sensation you’ll get from this 1970 AMC brochure, which is full of delightful weirdness. So let’s have a peek!
First, there’s that delightful composite image of the AMC lineup from 1970 up top there. It’s worth noting that of all the cars (or vertical sections of cars) seen there, the only one that would survive the decade would be the humble Hornet, which would kind of become the donor car for much of AMC’s lineup to come, getting its ass chopped off to become the Gremlin, getting tarted up with stripes and window louvers to take over the muscle car role from the AMX as the Hornet AMX , and eventually getting spun off, in 4×4 guise, into the whole Eagle lineup.
But 1970 was its introduction, and this brochure does a lovely and quirky job showing it off. Like how the engine options are shown:
Look at that! Have you ever seen another car brochure showing engine options painted in candy colors like this? Some citrusy sixes and a big, Pepto-pink V8! I love it! I want to put these on plinths and display them in a gallery. Also, the decision to leave the starter motors black on the sixes was somehow just right.
I also love this image of these exuberant plaid seats, done up in two shades of apple-colors. I also really like how the copy says the Hornet “offers more unbridled luxury per square inch than any other car of its type.” That “of its type” is doing so much heavy lifting that it’s got to be positively ripped, because I’ve been in a Hornet, and unless you think Versailles was covered in vinyl and rubber, you’re not going to think the words “unbridled luxury.” That shit is well bridled.
Also, the line about “scientifically designed contour seat backs” is hilarious. What science was used here? A scientific study that says the upper half of a human is best kept kinda vertical when sitting? Because that’s about all these seat backs do.
I also like these “four little rich touches” that include a glove box door, air vents at “dash level,” door handles that “are not just stuck on” and a foot operated parking brake, because it seems hand levers are “awkward,” somehow. I’d love to see the kinds of shenanigans that people get into trying to operate an awkward hand parking brake lever. Do they get themselves pinned under it?
Anyway, yeah, you can just carry your ham onto an airplane.
Not gonna lie, I didn’t read past the first paragraph.
Jason, Jason, Jason. Please write a novel based on whoever this character is that zipties a ham to rollerskate in an airport. You will have guaranteed sales of at least one, because I will buy it. I know, I know, a guaranteed sale of one is pretty heady stuff, but I trust you to stay humble.
Went to Turks and Caicos a few years back. My wife had 5 pounds of bacon (seems it was about $12/lb there) and 4 blocks of Velveeta in her carry-on. Security was kinda meh about the bacon, but got real excited about those foil wrapped bricks. I was terrified they were gonna search my bag too.
Why? Because your bag had the blocks of cocaine? 😛
Nope. Dis-assembled spear gun, 3 new dive computers for re-sale and spam.
As a carry-on, does the ham get x-rayed?
Is it safe to eat irradiated ham?
Is it nutritious?
So many loose ends . . .
Torch, since much of advertising eventually comes down to selling sex I’m disappointed you missed the obvious. I was a complete loser with the ladies in high school (and sadly still am as a middle-aged man) but I’ve heard from reliable sources that a handbrake is indeed quite awkward when trying to accomplish sexy times in the front seat of a car. A foot brake would be nicely tucked out of the way.
Yet another point in favor of the front bench seat.
Past Javelin and Hornet owner. So i can attest back in the early 70s when the Big 3s cars were the equivilent of 300 thread count sheets the AMCs were definitely 301 thread count sheets.
Ah, the glove box door. The one on the company car Hornet I was obliged to drive wouldn’t stay closed. In an attempt to adjust the latch I learned the plastic surround is held in place by ten screws. Ten! Sheesh. Meanwhile, the front seat backs were “secured” by only one pin and a single bolt that could — and did — snap while driving.
The Phillips heads holding the glove box surround tended to strip upon removal — or might’ve already been stripped during assembly. After disassembly, fiddling, and reassembly, the results were only partially effective.
But my experience with that Hornet might’ve been better if the engine had been painted in a candy color.
The picture of those door handles brings back some bad memories of those suckers getting completely iced over in winter. Even after you manage to unstick the handle you still don’t have anything to really grab onto to try to yank open the frozen door. Nice reminder of one of the reasons why I don’t live in serious winter territory anymore.
There’s at least one manufacturer of cut down Wrangler doors that still uses those latches.
You can carry your ham about an airplane, but it will count against your cabin luggage allowance. A support animal will not. (IIRC)
Things were feeling kinda bleak this morning. I didn’t sleep particularly well; I was having a hard time motivating myself to get out of bed and I just didn’t want to do it today.
I don’t normally read The Autopian in the morning but today I did.
Just reading that first paragraph turned my entire day around. Thank you, Jason.
You laugh but a 1970 Javelin with the Go-Pack is one of my bucket list cars.
Calling out “features” and marketing materials, from a dead company no less, that stretch farther than those leftovers in the fridge – that’s why we appreciates you, Torch. Although John may not, but he can get stuffed.
Those engines look like a display in a bakery window.
Is it cake?
AMC’s cognitive dissonance was one of its greatest charms IMO. Quirky does not equal luxurious, but bless their hearts they sold it hard.
Woke up this morning in a weird mood.
I just finished the first paragraph, and I see I’m not alone.
AMC is the car company we all need right now *sigh*
I have under dash parking brake handle in my 1962 Porsche, 1966 Mercedes-Benz and 1967 Citroën: They’re great and invisible when not in use. But like column shifters they went out of style for not being “sporty” enough, or something?
Pedal parking brake is also fine! Had that in the Citroën XM. The loud “thonk” when releasing it without your foot on the pedal was almost as much fun as playing with the suspension height in shopping mall parking lots.
Any good salesperson will tell you: “Everything is a feature, you just gotta mention it”.
It pulls to the left to keep you from veering off into a ditch.
It pulls to the right to keep you from veering into oncoming traffic.
The glovebox only opens with the touchscreen as a security feature.
“We use 50% less rat dung in our carpeting that *some other* car makers.”
304 cubic inches and a 0-60 of 10 seconds. Amazing how far we’ve come in 53 years when turbocharged 122 cubic inch engines can rip off 0-60 times in 5 seconds or better.
A lot of those cars seem very similar. I’m not surprised considering AMC was always making do with a shoestring and duct tape.
“Airline food ain’t what you gotta worry about.” Samuel L. Jackson stars in “Hams On A Plane.”
Hmm. That works on at least two levels.
“Shift Command Automatic Transmission” For when you drive your car with a MacBook Pro.
Is that really a composite image up top or did AMC just take too many dives into the parts bin?
Probably took glossy photos, cut them up and used the strips to make that composite.
Also wouldn’t be shocked if those painted engines ended up in production cars. Minus the chrome because that’s expensive.
Does anyone else feel like there’s some element of personal experience to the whole “ham in a roller skate on a leash” story?
I mean, we’ve all been there, right? Or somewhere near there…
I think he just picked something relatable and generic. He didn’t want to get too specific and personal on the cold start.
You might be better off with a live pig as an emotional support animal. The ham can move itself.
“This is Ham, my emotional support pig.”
I’m imagining someone pulling on a door handle and finding it just uselessly stuck on, crawling into a window of the vehicle to find vents only on the floor, rather than dash level. They reach for their registration, only to remember there is no glovebox, and that pesky parking brake lever is just being awkward, as they do. Then they see this brochure and they know. They need an AMC Hornet, and they need it now.
Yeah, but can that ham prevent damage to a Beetle?
I’m not sure, but I bet it can be used to fix the brakes on a Yugo.
I was wondering if this was the same ham used in the bumper research!
Jason seems to be the leader in ham-related auto journalism, an irony I find nearly as delicious as a good country ham.