You’ll Never Guess How We Lost An Hour Of Our Morning This Week: Tales From The Slack

Hail Caesar Ts
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We are busy people and it’s our responsibility to focus all of our attention on the news. The important news. Strike updates. Recalls. New models. It’s key to the functioning of this place that we do not go on an hour+ tangent about vegetables.

I just hope, that when you read this hour-long tangent about vegetables, you acknowledge that I’m correct.

Ok, it starts off roughly on topic with this story from CTV News.

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That could be a story, right?

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This is a real thing Canadians do. Here’s a description from the Canadian Encyclopedia:

The Caesar, also known as the Bloody Caesar, is considered Canada’s national cocktail. The key ingredients are vodka, clam juice, tomato juice, spices and Worcestershire sauce. It is typically served in a highball glass rimmed with celery salt and garnished with a celery stalk, olives and lime. Food and beverage worker Walter Chell invented the Caesar in Calgary, Alberta, in 1969. Since then, the drink’s popularity and origin have made it a national cultural icon. Canadians drink more than 400 million Caesars annually. However, it has not achieved significant reach beyond Canada.

I mean…

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Celery and peanut butter is great, and if you add raisins you’ve made popular American snack-time treat: Raisins on a Log!

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Two things here. That image is from “Letterkenny,” which is the best show you’re not watching right now. They do an entire episode on caesars, which prompted a writer for Food & Wine to make and eat all of these concoctions.

Also, this is a PSA I’ve been meaning to write: Celery itself feels like it’s just a random vegetable that exists solely as a vehicle for dips and such. This is partially true, but this is often because massive chain supermarkets cut off or remove the celery greens. Celery greens are great, fragrant, and chopped up act like an herb that adds layers of subtle flavor to a dish. When you make chicken noodle soup I suggest you do as I do and reserve some of the celery greens for the end of the dish.

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I feel like no one appreciated my thoughts on celery. Oh well. Here comes Mercedes:

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102 thoughts on “You’ll Never Guess How We Lost An Hour Of Our Morning This Week: Tales From The Slack”

      1. Agafa: Who wants some goat shin soup?

        Garbiil: Depends on what’s in it.

        Agafa: Boiled sinew and chopped turnips. Same as always.

        Garbiil: Are there any spices in the broth?

        Agafa: Heavens no. We haven’t had any spices since… well.. you know.

        Garbiil: I’ll just go ahead and starve thanks.

        Agafa: I guess I could boil some celery and toss it in. We are celebrating Victory Day after all.

        Garbiil: In that case, since we’re celebrating, I’ll take two bowls.

        Agafa: Nope. Just one bowl. That’s all you’re allowed.

        Garbiil: Mmm celery…

  5. Between this and the currywurst vs schnitzel debate, I’m convinced most folks in the comments have no taste buds.

    1) Ketchup is never acceptable on sausage. NEVER.
    1b) adding curry powder to non curry things rarely works. No, your chicken salad isn’t an exception.

    2) celery is only palatable in mirepoix, Trinity or similar as an aromatic (diced small and cooked to death to kill the raw flavor and mask the stringy-ness)
    2a) Raw celery tastes like rotten ass and
    2b) celery seed is the devil’s semen. Concentrated raw celery nastiness. Even long cooking does nothing to alleviate the putrescence.

    1. I race with a guy who believes ketchup should be illegal on hot dogs for anyone over 18. To the point that he put stickers on the ketchup bottles stating this in very “government” language. I enjoy using ketchup on hotdogs in his direct line of sight

      1. LOL.

        Where does he stand on mayonnaise? I just like mayonnaise. If mayonnaise is out and none of the other toppings seem like they’d clash…the mayo is probably going on my hot dog.

    2. Hard disagree on curry. Curry all the things, especially currywurst and curried chicken salad. It’s so good!

      I’m with you on raw celery, though. Cook that nasty weed and it’s useful. Don’t cook it, and it has about the same crunch as roaches do when I step on them. Ghastly. The worst.

  6. Celery is best naked. Not in a tomato-based horror beverage, not with disgusting slimy ranch on it, not chopped up in a salad, not with peanut butter on it which will inevitably be annoying. Just as a stand alone stacking vegetable.

  7. Non-sequitur here, but WTF is with the auto-play video every time I load your site? If I want to view content through a gunslit sandwiched between an ad and visual noise-vomit, I’ll head over to Jalopnik.

    1. “Is pizza a meal?”

      Yes. Sometimes three meals.

      (so long as nobody opens that piping hot pizza box in my car)

      That’s how you get
      I don’t even want to say it…

  9. Since we’re taking votes: I like raw celery and raw spinach. Cooking celery takes away the snap, and cooking spinach turns it into a witches vomit. I swear, the smell alone can peel wallpaper. The only good thing about pickles is they helped make an excellent “Andy Griffith Show” episode.

  10. Good heavens, raisins on celery? Next thing you’ll be putting it in your potato salad. Philistines! (insert Game of Thrones “SHAME, SHAME” gif here)

  11. On the celery greens, there’s a fair percentage of the population with a particular gene which causes us to taste certain things differently. Cilantro is the test: if you taste it somewhat like soap, you have that active gene. I love broccoli, spinach, collard greens, etc, but I have that active gene, so celery greens taste faintly of soap. Personally, I’m pro celery stalk: great road trip food: easy, cheap, not too messy, and can help keep me awake—but I cain’t be havin’ with no greens

    So, y’all are welcome to the greens I trim from mine!

      1. I don’t think you fully comprehend the meaning of that word in this particular circumstance.

        I could go full on preacher about the hell bakers that use raisins should be doomed to.

        I won’t. This is not the place for such vehemence.

        I’m team chocolate chip on this particular subject.

  14. I hope all your writers are paid a good celery. Cream cheese or nacho cheese. Is a good celery dip. And what would we do without celery and ranch to cool down the heat of our three mile island chicken wings?
    Also I am sure I have had this drink in the US but called something else. You never forget that first sip of unexpected clam juice

  16. I‘m with ya Central Market Matthew (and Jason): celery with real peanut butter (nothing but peanuts, oil and a dash of salt – not the spoiled spackling paste that Adrian is undoubtedly referring to) is delicious.
    And do yourself a favor and add finely chopped celery greens, celery hearts and maybe some ground celery seeds next time you make a tuna salad and try to tell me that it doesn’t make it 10 times better.

    Also, Peter Viera’s brilliant comeback to Adrian is the funniest thing I’ve read all week and I don’t want it to go uncommented on:

    Adrian: “Fucking celery”
    Peter: “Weird status update, but OK”
    (just noticed this is featured in the topshot – excellent)

    1. Peter is hilarious. But when-you-least-expect-it-and-you-have-to-think-about-it-to-get-it type of funny.

      The dude nearly makes me spit out my coffee at least once a day.

  17. Huh, I always thought a Caesar was like a Bloody Mary but with tequila rather than vodka. TIL.
    And I got to agree with Jason and Matt about celery. A celery stick with some peanut butter and raisins is a tasty, healthy snack and using the leafy green bits works great with soups or borsch.

  20. celery and olives are the only two food ingredients I do not like in any shape or form. I can tell if a dish has celery or olives just tasting it, even if I don’t see it. Raisins are close but I can stand them just a few of them

    Another rant, who decided to use matcha on desserts? Happy friday haha

    1. I do not like olives on pizza.

      I am meh toward the green olives with the pimiento (aka piece of pepper) inside.

      I will eat a bowl of Kalamata olives as a snack. Go figure.

        1. Man, I get annoyed when I get a stupid lemon/orange slice I didn’t ask for as a garnish. An olive IN the beer is beyond the pale. (I also really, really don’t like olives.)

          I guess this is a regional thing some people like, but once again, I’m begging servers to just ask first! Just ask. Some of us want to taste the beer, not citrus/olive.

          1. I agree ???? I usually hate unasked for garnish. But in the desert heat drinking beer that is a diuretic I actually got to appreciate the stuffed olives. Now no longer in Arizona have never asked for it and don’t miss it.

            1. That makes sense, though. Heat’s brutal.

              Here, I just ask for water (and more water, and more water, and more water, and more water, and I have to pee, so lemme finish this beer, ah, order me another one and more water). That water’s a good place to squeeze the lemon into if one shows up anyway.

    2. Oh, matcha. It’s an okay tea, but not a flavor I’m super fond of. All the matcha deserts that I’ve tried are just unappetizing to me, though. I don’t get the appeal.

      I’m convinced that the green color just looks good for Instagram. Like macarons or those bizarrely stacked bloody maries—these look spectacular! But they’re either a terrible texture (former…and maybe latter if you’re a fellow tomato-and-celery-hater) or unwieldy to actually eat/drink (latter).

  21. So a Caesar = Clamato
    Celery is a very versatile veggy. Need it for a lot of cooking. Any remember Mirepoix?
    Also I grew up having peanut butter on celery as a snack LOL

  22. Jason is referring to the classic kid snack from the 80s (probably before then) “ants on a log” – peanut butter filled celery stalk with raisins in the peanut butter to hold them in place. My 3YO loves this snack

    1. You can’t say that. Sweet or dill? Gherkin or spear? Does that include relish? How about cakes the base of pickles? Is a pickle base a real form of musical instrument?

      1. Agree. Specifics please.

        Personally, I like sweet pickles and sweet pickle relish. No dill. I love olives of all kinds, and will sit down with a can of black olives and polish it off in one sitcom.

        Celery can fuck right off.

      2. My favorite instrument is mayonnaise, good sir!

        Also, I hate sweet pickles so much. Sweet pickle relish has its uses (hello, deviled eggs), but sweet pickles on their own are the absolute worst, especially when they go unlabelled. I expect a tangy, tart, crunchy pickle only to get a mouthful of sickly sweet nonsense. No thank you.

      3. Either, we don’t really get a choice here in the UK but I think ours come down more on the side of dill. Whole gherkins or sliced lengthways, as long as I can put that fucker in a sandwich. Or straight in my mouth.

  24. Is Adrian the only one here with functional tastebuds? He’s right about both celery and peanut butter.

    Also, ranch dressing is the devil’s piss. Gross in every respect.

      1. Is it? Hidden Valley Ranch was produced in Santa Barbara, CA. Originally a lot of the packets were fulfilled via MAIL ORDER.

        Ranch is fundamentally very Californian, though the recipe for his ranch dressing was created by Steve Henson (founder of Hidden Valley Ranch) when he was working as a contractor in Alaska.

        Great history on ranch dressing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCyygfqKylg

      2. As Goof noted, ranch dressing is a foul imports from elsewhere.

        Texas existed long before people started slopping that vile glorp all over their food.

    2. The devil needs to see a urologist, stat 😮

      Peanut butter is good as long as it’s not the sugar-laden commercial stuff aimed at kids. Two ingredients are permissible in proper peanut butter; peanuts and salt.

      1. I do not like peanut butter and I do not like chocolate but I will eat my own weight in Reese’s peanut butter cups. Apparently the combination is acceptable.

        Celery is gross and hairy though.

      3. Peanuts are just such a mid nut. I don’t hate them—peanut sauce at Asian restaurants and pad thai are pretty tasty—but I don’t want them in butter form, either. The hyperprocessed stuff is pretty gross, though. I’m pretty sure it could double as bearing grease in a pinch, provided you opt for smooth.

        Also, if you want a sweet spread, Nutella is right there, folks.

        1. That’s fair. I pack bearings with Red ‘n’ Tacky grease and it is comparable in texture to some of the more egregious PB offerings.

          And the Nutella is indeed right there, meaning “in my pantry” 😀 It’s good stuff.

        2. To be fair, a peanut isn’t really a nut. It’s a type of legume, so it’s more like soybeans or chickpeas and the like. A lot of of those type seeds don’t have a whole lot of flavor.

          1. Yep. I wonder if this is where boiled peanuts came from? Allow me to offend the south further by noting how gross boiled peanuts are. Ew. Not a fan.

      1. Hear, hear. Ranch is one of those sauces that covers up anything it touches, too. That’s one of the things I really, really don’t get. If you don’t like pizza, maybe eat something else? Surely dipping bread into ranch as a vehicle for { vomits } that sauce is simpler, less expensive and achieves the same end?

        1. Yup, also not sure but just have to clarify that pizza w/ ranch is disgusting and not pizza itself…I love pizza and would be confused if someone didn’t like pizza ha ha

          1. I gotta be careful with pizza. No other food gives me the farts quite as much. So, I’m empathetic to any pizza haters, even if it’s the least offensive food I can think of.

        1. Blue cheese actually tastes good, though, provided it’s a quality version with big ol’ cheese chunks. I’d opt for crumbles or a drizzle on a pizza instead of like, dipping the whole thing in, though. The other flavors on a buffalo chicken pizza are yummy, and I want to taste them.

          The absolute war crimes that SOBER Baylor girls did with ranch dressing on food is something that’s permanently burnt into my brain. How? Why? Who hurt them??? I don’t understand???!?!?!

          1. I agree Bleu cheese from the train tunnel made at Clemson University is the epitome of proper blue cheese. But I would never waste that as salad dressing. But a dry left over pizza the next day dipping in anything is better than dry pizza. People remember to properly seal your left over pizza.

  25. That image is from “Letterkenny,” which is the best show you’re not watching right now.

    To be fair (to be faaaiirr), the number of times I’ve seen people reference it here would suggest a number of us might watch it even while we’re checking in here.

    3. That image is from “Letterkenny,” which is the best show you’re not watching right now.

      Hard no. Am watching. Even weirder show than “Corner Gas.”

          1. Quick summary: Corner Gas took place in a fictional small town in rural/farming Saskatchewan. Corner Gas is the name of the gas station, which is co-located with a small restaurant called the Ruby. The two shop owners shared a roadside sign (the kind with the removable letters) and were trying to come up with clever/funny ads that would mention both businesses. 🙂

            2. Yes, I am an American but I seem to remember this show. I really miss the Red Green Show. But corner gas it was about a rural truck stop and had a hot brunette that later played Robin Chibotsky in How I Met Your Mother? It was a good show.

    4. Heck, I found out about it when a Jalopnik commenter saw me use “hard no” in a blog and asked if I watched the show. I’ve been hooked ever since, haha.

      Remember when I wrote for a website? Puffalump Farms remembers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to sit around and wait for my bones to turn to dust.

      2. There’s an internet technology called BitTorrent a person could, hypothetically speaking, use to download digital content not available in one’s jurisdiction because no local provider purchased rights to stream this content.

        I share here for informational purposes.

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