There’s been a little talk around here lately about Adrian Clarke, our goth car designer who, up close, looks like someone who would hang out with Neo in the first Matrix movie. He’s imposing. He’s got the scary mohawk, the many piercings, and the impossibly long black coat concealing who-knows-what. Actually, I know what that coat hides… a big, sweet, soft heart.
I know this for a few reasons. First of all, when we met up last year in England we went out to dinner and a show and he was a lovely gentleman. He even got my daughter some candies, art supplies, and a stuffy. Since then he’s already sent over one car package of beans, sweets, and more gifts for Bette.
Second of all, knowing I was inbound to London once again, Adrian asked me to bring him something one could only get in America. Would that be a firearm? A thumbdrive containing forbidden dark electro? The blood of a Cajun?
(Also, note, these are DMs, not a general chat)
Haha, ok, not beans. We have some pretty good beans, but sure. So what could it be?
That would be our Andrea, the occasional contributor and frequent badass. How lovely of her.
I don’t really drink coffee or any caffeine, so I thought he wanted the liquid stuff.
Apparently, you get more out of the powdered stuff so it’ll go further when Adrian has the moments in his soul when he needs… fuckin’ Hazlenut Coffee Mate! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
According to my wife, who drinks coffee, the filter coffee here is tasteless and too weak and the americanos are fine, but not the same thing. Sure.
So I went to the grocery store hoping to score some and, lo and behold, the Stop n’ Shop had everything except Hazlenut Coffee Mate.
Desperate… for Coffee Mate? Wild country, that England.
So I stuff the big tube of powder in check-in luggage and make for England and then…
Oops. It’s a giant thing of powder. Of course they stopped me. It’s amazing I didn’t see this coming. Adrian was super worried:
There’s no stopping this silver tongue. 
It’s true! I wasn’t the Artful Dodger but I was the Artful Dodger’s friend Charlie. It wasn’t a great part, but I had a couple of lines.
So, there you have it, our scary goth designer is actually a stuffy-giving, sweetheart, hazelnut coffee swillin’ Karen.
I read Adrian’s original article, and I cannot for the life of me see what all the fuss was about.
We’re adults, and we’re allowed to have opinions, even strong ones, about cars. He’s a car designer that had a strong opinion, right or wrong, about the new Rivian models. I feel like that’s his job- to write about his thoughts on cars and generate discourse and discussion.
Hope he’s back writing here soon!
Is this part of Adrian’s reputational damage control campaign?
Adrian’s lack of capitalization gave me an Eats, Shoots and Leaves moment.
Why on Earth does he need coffee from the US, is the shipping crisis getting that bad? Why no comma after “hazelnut coffee”? And why is he calling Matt “mate”?